On The Road: Wandering Out West, Burger King Babes, Piss Bottles, Def Leppard and My Desert Rose(s)

"Why would you wanna pay for blue balls?"

"Why would you wanna pay for blue balls?"

Was the phrase that kept repeating in my head as a friend tried to talk me into a boys night out at a local strip club. It's been told to me countless times by a lot of people who I consider to possess a decent measure of intelligence. I had been to strip clubs before but the experience was middling at best, and certainly not cost efficient at all. I already knew the answer, bars and nightclubs. That's where it's at. The answer I was about to give until...

"Dude Rachel Starr supposed to be there, she's fucking hot!"

Alright I spent a lot of time jerking off Ms. Starr over the years, and definitely somebody who I consider very easy on the eyes. This peaked my interest. You don't get a lot of celebrities coming through way the fuck out in west Texas so why the fuck not, I was in. I wondered how sexy she looked person anyway. It was at a club in El Paso, TX called Red Parrot out on the far east side of town. Little did I know this was unlike other strip clubs I've been to.

As I'm drinking with the fellas this super busty girl that looked kind of like a Latina Carmella Bing is up dancing. After I tipped her on stage she came and sat on my lap. This girl was fucking hot to me, I had to take her for dances. At this point Rachel Starr is an after thought. It was only $20 to go to VIP so no big deal. Not really private just kind of a dark elevated area in the back of the club, you on leather sofa and people are sitting maybe 6 feet in front of you at tables with their backs to you watching the stage. I didn't give a fuck, all I know I had this hot girl, with huge naturals and a gigantic ass on my lap, I was good. She starts grinding on me and not to long into the first song she whips off my belt. Hot. Unbuttons my jeans. Hotter. Then zips down. Wait wtf is going on here?

Then whips out Jr. and goes to town on him like a Auschwitz prisoner that was just entered into a Nathan's hot dog eating contest.

***It was in this very moment that I learned how important money was. It all made sense now. All the violence, corruption and heartache over it, I completely understood it. There was my life before this moment and then after. Because I finally found out what I was going to be doing for every single second of every single minute of every single hour for the rest of my life, to put it as eloquently as I can: fuck all the bitches and hos at the strip club***

Then she pulls a cover on it and goes for a ride. After I'm done I'm so ecstatic and thrilled and such fucking new guy that I ask

"How much do I owe ya?" (Note to all PL's reading. Do Not Say That Ever. I repeat Do Not Say That Ever)

"Ummmm like $400?" as she pulls some crazy number out of her ass to her idiot customer. It felt like a great deal at the time but later would I learn in this town that's a fucking beating. Looking back on it and all the good times that followed it was well worth it though.

I get back down and buy this girl drinks as if I just won the world series. Rachel Starr finally hops on stage and due to there not being a ton of patrons, I get a lot of attention. This girl who I consider one of the top 10 pornstars all time is rubbing her tits in my face and she turns around and stick her naked ass in my face and I even get a taste of that pussy probably a taste of herpes too but fuck it, I didn't care it was all joy in this one big happy sex orgy place I was in. This was one of the best nights I've had. I just never knew that kind of fun could be had at a strip club.

I wound hitting it off with that stripper and actually dated for a bit. Not even 2 years apart age wise so it didn't look crazy at all. Up until that point this was easily the hottest girl I ever banged. And finally getting her my bed was a proud day. It was the pornstar level sex I had daydreamed about my whole life. Not long after that, I found this website TUSCL and made an account. I needed to learn everything I could about strip clubs. And learn I did. Soon this stripper that I was honestly head over heels for started with asking for favors, money, problems in her life aka SS started coming to me. And I admit I definitely helped at first, I was completely and utterly sexually satisfied I wanted to help out somebody who was doing that for me. But I had the playbook in hand when reading this site. Despite being all over the country in all different kinds of cities and states, all the veteran members were all saying the same things. And it was playing itself out right before my eyes. It was clear it was best to keep this a customer/stripper relationship. I would keep this girl as a favorite though. These strippers need to be treated as some sort of demonic creatures from ancient folklore, succubus, sirens. Yes they can be beautiful, but don't let them get too close as they will devour you alive. Fuck them yes but don't get drawn in and eaten.

During this time I was addicted strip clubs. I would go multiple times a week. I would go partying on bar hopping with strippers on worknights, and I just didn't give a fuck. It was a blast. This is what the 10 year old me thought how the adult me would be living, finally. Then one night I see a dancer I haven't seen before come into the club. Came from a closed club. This girl was even hotter than the first which I didn't think was possible. Gorgeous face, juicy ass, tits were just perfect with pierced nipples. This is was one of the hottest girls I've seen in person, tv, movies, or wherever the fuck. I had to have that. She was dancing up and down the pole to some weird trance music.

"Yo girl this ain't fucking Disney on ice!"

It broke the ice. I was confident and had money so that's it, I was in. It's so easy. These were probably my favorite times in a strip club. I now had two favs and others who were competing for my attention/dollars and I saw what kind affect it had. By day I was just some soldier busting ass, doing all kinds of back breaking shit but by night I was Dean Fucking Martin and I spent like it too. I was consumed. There wasn't any question of what anymore it was just when, where and with who this time. Soon enough Fav 1 got pregnant probably by some gangbanger in Juarez and Fav 2 was it. But she was alot tougher to get stuff from. Gave great lap dances, she had one move where she would finger herself then put it in my mouth "taste me" oh hell yeah that favor would be returned but I guess it wasn't a sexy when I did it. "Ugh it smells weird!" Yeah she was not an really extras girl but I was her main regular so I figured I put some work in see where it gets me. I would see this girl every single time she worked if I was free. What else was there to do? Trust me I had nothing more important going if I could help it. But the lines were starting to blur between customer and falling in lust. I would race out of work just to go to the strip club. Probably not a healthy sign there.

One day we were probably 2 of maybe 4 people in the whole club. She's says

"Ok I want you to fuck me but I wanna get paid for it, $200"

I was just so confident at the time, I forgot what was going on but didn't quite feel like spending that much that day, what the hell, she's DTF now I'll just get her some other day maybe even OTC style. I just couldn't do no wrong. At this point I was getting whatever I wanted so what was the rush? I had this world in my hands.

"Na I'm good right now."

"I'm kinda stunned your saying no to me"

But that offer was never put back on the table. Despite numerous attempts to get it back months later. Hook. Line. Sinker. It made me want that shit even more. I tried believe it or not made a 4 figure offer once and still no. As nuts as the sounds it would've been worth it to me. She did to me what I was supposed to do to her.

"Why not, I mean you offered before what's going on?"

"Your just gonna have to live with that" she responds in a very spicey way.

I wanted it too much. I loved getting lap dances from this girl. She made me cum ldk style so many damn times. I did get extras out of her but not all the way. It's my biggest strip club regret to be totally honest. To this day if you said she could be in my bed right now I would gladly give up crazy money. I am still in search of stripper like this who to me is a stunner of a 10. The shit still bothers me. Sometimes you just want steak and not another fucking hot pocket. It was during this time I looked at dating advice stuff/how to act with women and it was obvious how I fucked that up. I left my zone, became uncentered. I chased. Cats really are a great analogy for women, you gotta do you and let them just come to you. I lost some of that killer confidence I had when this shit began. It's that Big Dick Energy that this very girl was telling me about that I had that I then gave up to be a foaming at the mouth Rottweiler instead of super cool Hugh Hefner. That will not happen again. Great learning experience though and honestly it was still a great time. Like a Super Bowl loss kind of thing. Fun season but come on dude.

At the time I didn't quite grasp that fun times at the Red Parrot were the exception rather than the norm across America and that I was a regular at one of the best strip clubs in the US especially value wise. A lot of clubs they might have a great VIP but no alcohol, others might have alcohol but lame rules. This club had it all, great place to watch sports, alcohol, variety of music, laid back atmosphere, friendly staff, great VIP, cheap and mileage out the fucking wazoo. No doubt I got really spoiled here and lead to some big time frustration at other clubs. As I write this I'm still looking for a club to replace it.

After times like these on your home turf, I couldn't help but wonder what else was out there. And my tourist experience from then on out would be completely different. There would be no more getting thrown of an Albuquerque night club by transvestite bouncers, no more getting drunk at a Rockies game and stumbling in search for where they make Coors Light in downtown Denver, No more walking around holding up your wallet above your head to attract hookers in Vegas (look some guy told me it works, I believed him, sounded legit) Nope no more time for that stuff there were strippers to see. And see I did.

I must've drove 20k plus miles just on I-10 alone going all over the southwest. I probably hit almost 100 clubs. One thing I do is I like regionalize the music I'm listening too to where I was at, so if I'm at Buc-ee's in Texas there's a good chance I'm listening to ZZ-Top or on the beach in San Diego, I'm going Kenny Loggins or the Beach Boys, or if I'm the hood in LA I'm going Coolio-Fantastic Voyage or Skee-Lo-I wish or some shit like that. I know it's dorky but I love it. I just loved hitting the road and seeing new places, new people, new cities, stuff I always had to leave to the imagination was being replaced by reality. One thing that stood out too, a lot of these places out in the southwest had all these hotties working fast food spots. It was always some smoking hot 19 year old petite Latina type girl working the counter that I wanted to do everything to. I don't know what it was, but I kept seeing that definitely in El Paso and especially in SoCal. "Hi can may I take your order?" "Uhh I'll have you and I'm just gonna jump head first over this table. Also you mind throwing in some extra sweet & sour?" They do say at Burger King you can have it your way.

My first big on the road OTC score was a San Antonio Men's club. It was kind of slower night for a weekend, late on a Friday night, and one very cute Latina that was a 9 in my book was getting a lot of catcalling by a bunch of douchebags all in the same Hurley hat. I went up to her and said "Look it's either me, or the fucking hat guys, you pick" Got her number and the next night was one of the most intense sex sessions ever. Stuff of dreams. Huge confidence booster too, where I can just pull off a hit and run like that with a chick that looked like that. I remember driving on I-35 going to pick this girl up and listening to Def Leppard's (who I just saw in concert) "Love Bites" thinking that all my life when are the best years gonna be, and now realizing I'm probably in them and couldn't be any happier. These are the kind of weekends you dream about and I'm living it.

Texas had some good memories. Knocking back beers with Vinnie Paul (RIP) from Pantera at The Clubhouse in Dallas. Ok fine he was in one corner and me and fellas were in another but still. Getting sold every dream in America by all those Cuban dancers at Baby Dolls. "Si I go home with you papi but you buy dance now and tip me" In San Antonio at Sugar's watching some stripper pay off her pimp right at the bar, he slaps her and then a big brawl spills out out the club and into the parking lot. Alrighty then, ok the next club is...Ricks! Where we get to have your hottest dancers hang out with the hip hop hookah crew all night. Seeing all the smoking hot strippers at Houston Men's Club and pushing the mileage limits to ridiculous heights at St. James. Alot of haters on H-Town but not when it comes to the Adult entertainment world.

In El Paso at the recently closed Cabaret Club, walking into pitch blackness and seeing a giant round shadowy figure state in a deep voice "Sexo muñeca, caurenta dolares" Just walk towards the (bathroom) light Muddy, don't stop. Whatever you do don't stop. You there? Ok you can projectile vomit now. Then there was learning about the importance of timing and why daytime clubbing can be sooooo damn good. At Tequila Sunrise/Xcape getting everything under the tequila sun mileage wise from this Bridgette B lookin stunner of a fav I had. Then at Dreams taking my ATF upstairs for some intense doggystyle lapdances, some hottest lapdances (or rather me dryhumping the *shit* of this girl) ever and she was totally into it too, staring back at me while I go to town, Oh man I'll melt right now just thinking about it. Communal lap dance areas but nobody else was there, so take full advantage and don't look back. Then in Austin having about 30 kiss marks on my cheeks from all the Latinas giving me smooches at Chicas Bonitas, I had no idea what they were saying to me but I think they dug me. Smoking fruity pebbles hookah with Nicespice and having Nicole1994 show me how she doesn't shave her legs. Yeah Austin is definitely weird.

West of me. Tucson watching some old guy make a big scene and profess his love for a stripper, "Look at you! Your beautiful!" at the top of his lungs. Note to self, never be that guy. To get out of that awkwardness I took a busty waitress for lap dances "Put the tray down and get on this dick" And having an OTC date text me back while I was halfway on the way back home to El Paso. Lordsburg I turned around back to Tucson. So a 2 hour one way and 2 hour another for absolutely no fucking reason other than I was horny. Oh lord the stupid shit my dick makes me do. Phoenix, having dancers get me drunk at Sugar 44 and meeting half of the ASU graduating class of 2022 working at Le Girls. At Hi-Liter because I'm very active during LD's, almost breaking the damn plywood VIP booths which apparently I hear are no longer there.

Then there was California. To me the most beautiful place in the States hands down (If you can avert your eyes from the drunk hobos that is) People actually live here, it's fucking paradise. This is the place I always saw in the movies growing up and always wanted to see it in person. I'll say this, Hollywood does not do it justice, you really got to see it for yourself. Due to the terrain the sunsets there would just pour through the neighborhoods, along with those palm trees all together it's really cool sight. I came here to find my own Gwen Stefani, Pamela Anderson, whoever the fuck LA girl you see on TV just running around. I had a bunch of vacation days so I burned them and spent like a damn near month out there. I would be living out of my car a lot of nights to roll that money over to the strip club. I was used to sleeping in the dirt so I knew after the first uncomfortable night it gets easier from there, body adjusts you know? Don't give me that look. Piss bottles were sometimes needed yes but I would make it work by shitting/shower/shaving/working out at the local YMCA. Who needs to spend $90 for a bed fuck that noise I needed that for VIP. You could say my Best Western stays were just swallowed by Veronica and I'm more than ok with that. I would also proudly do lame tourist stuff like pretend I’m Maverick or Goose at Kansas City BBQ in San Diego or act like I’m in Full House in front of those houses from the intro in San Francisco. Yeah I did gay shit in the day time but at night I assure you it was very straight.

In Los Angeles going into Bare Elegance late on a Friday night after almost giving up on the night. Holy shit. Watching all those beautiful angelic girls walking around butt naked is a must see for any monger. Heaven is literally under a freeway. Walking in to 4Play with blue jeans/t shirt and less than $200 was probably a mistake. Or being the only Gringo at Nicola's in East LA. I wasn't a fan of the club or talent so I bolted but I was head over heels for the brats and sausages that the Mexican grandma outside was selling off her grill. I can proudly say it was the first time I ever left tits and pussy for wieners. Gotta stop at City of Industry too though. One of the most annoying club atmospheres outside of VIP but inside VIP woah man are LAer's lucky. San Diego yeah the clubs suck with no contact but if you forget that for a second and cheer up because your in San Diego, radical dude! I was at Pacer's which at least served alcohol. I must've talked with this one stunner that looked just like the singer Selena for like two hours, she was fun to talk too we were both laughing hard and really vibed well. VIP sucks there so around 930 on Friday I tell her I think I'm gonna get outta here. She said "Yeah I think I'm gonna leave soon too" It's 930 on a weekend night. No stripper leaves at that time. I must've been drinking too much to pick up on the hint. DUDE! SHE WANTS TO FUCKING GO HOME WITH YOU! DUDE! ANYBODY FUCKING HOME UP THERE! HELLO! YOU FUCKING IDIOT!

San Francisco to me is just a gorgeous city. Driving up there in my Lambo (ok it was a Honda but can I get a little wiggle room for some hyperbole) along the pacific coast was awesome. The whole city is walkable, so unlike LA in that way. Especially for the clubs, you really don't need drive to go club hopping, so drink away if you can afford it. Took a girl downstairs at CF's that looked like Jordana Brewster. I walk in to and past beaded VIP curtain and it's a fucking bed. She gets naked and lays on her stomach and looks behind at me biting her lip.

"You wanna fuck me?"

"Yes. Yes. And Yes."

Lasted probably under a minute. Easily one of the hottest sexual experiences ever though, especially ITC. I still don't know if it was one of my best experiences or biggest fuck ups all I know is I loved it for every single one of the 28 seconds it lasted. I guess some shit is just too hot to handle sometimes WTF. At Larry Flynts saw one busty stunner named Sasha who after dancing on stage would hide in the dressing room the rest of the night. That girl was *exactly* my type, very rare to see. The nerve of that girl saving me all that money like that. They make it so fucking hard for us to dump hundreds on them sometimes don't they? Eating fried chicken at Gold Club while seeing Victoria secret level girls dance on stage in the fucking DAYTIME was...a fucking fantastic way to spend a random ass Tuesday afternoon.

Back home I would see both favs again on one more night, bought a bunch of drinks and had fun. I thought it was a renewing of something but it turned out to be the end. I wish I would've bought more rounds if I had known that would be it (And would've gotten more creative with the two) but in the end it just goes to show that stripper careers can be so short so strike while the irons hot. Have fun move on. When I look back on everything I kick myself more for the opportunities I didn't jump on then money I regret spending. I was always thinking there could be something better around the corner and a lot of times there wasn't. I've become much more of a seize the moment type, because there could be a chance you never see any of these people again. Yeah I would do some things differently, I made mistakes but more big time wins in there then losses by far. I'm glad jumped into this world, what else is there to spend money on? I could have had all these experiences above or I could have took out a loan to buy a new truck like many I know have done. Probably would've costed around the same, it's just not even a question to me what I'd rather do.

Now as I get head from a one armed stripper at a gas station in Jersey, I wonder where all the time went. Some of these crazy places I traveled too I wonder if I'll ever get back. Sometimes I was with buddies, sometimes I was solo, but as long as I had money I knew I would always have strippers and as long as I had my phone I would have the TUSCL crew and as long as I got drunk enough I would have some guy named Pedro and his Llama or so I'm told. Jack Daniels is a motherfucker. All I know is I had the time of my life. No savings whatsoever, but it's all good, it was worth every penny. Billy Joel take it. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0AR5bcjn…

Now it's time to go EAST!!!!! *Drives into the Atlantic Ocean*

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