Stripper Love and Big Mistakes

45 comments

• Stiletto25

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  13 years ago

  I'm at a loss for words
• SuperDude

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  13 years ago

  Was it love or lust or both? I know two guys in the Detroit area who went down this road. Both have real money and hung out in SCs. First guy divorced his wife, paid her off and married the dancer. Second guy left his wife, moved in with the stripper and she kicked him out after six months. Moved back with wife and ended up in a divorce. In both cases the children were weapons in the war. That's standard in these cases. For however much pain you may be feeling, be glad you can hold your marriage together and keep both heads working. You lost control, but you can get it back and stay strong. You're not the first to fall this way, but you are rare in being able to accept the end and recover.
• Doc_Holliday

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  13 years ago

  I found one. Dipshit.
• Doc_Holliday

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  13 years ago

  1) married Johns deserve whatever happens to them. 2) if you spend more on the girl than you do on the house, or pay OTC, it's all business no matter what she says 3) limit yourself on girls you can afford
• Doc_Holliday

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  13 years ago

  Your first mistake was getting her attention with big tips. I'm guessing she dumped you because the money well ran day. If you want to get her back, liquidate your 401k!
• looneylarry

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  13 years ago

  joe, a tragic story. But much of the advice, though it was hard to read, was for a reason. It is not over-reacting to have the mindset of being prepared for it to blow-up, becaus ewhatever can go wrong, usually does. You were lucky. Thanks for the words from experience.
• rell

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  13 years ago

  yeah your story is sad but doesnt suprise me...ive done a relationship with a stripper before and it was ahuge mistake .. its a huge pandoras box and hopefully you truely have learned your lesson
• wm2slc

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  13 years ago

  I have many dancer friends that I see OTC... some physical some just as very good friends. I've been to their homes, met kids, BFs and even husbands. Of course the ones I have physical relationships with do not have BFs or husbands. I really do think that most consider me family they choose. I've had a couple that have shared problems they are having with $$ and I have offered to help and they tell me.."I'm sharing this as a friend, I can and will handle this, but thanks for your offer." I've even tried to slip them more as tips.. had one, very good friend tell me she knows what I'm doing and thanks, and gave the $50 back to me... Most have some problems, they really want to have some friends to talk with. I'm much older and I think they feel they can tell me things, I can offer advice(probably same things their dads would) and they can listen as it's not from their dads. I know this may be unusual, but I know these ladies are some of my best friends and always will be. My dad once told me, "when making friends, make sure some are beautiful ladies as they are much easier to look at than a bunch of old men" My dad is happy with my choices I think... ha ha BTW, the ones I have physical relationships with, are awesome, and I would give up the physical before the friendship...
• canny

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  13 years ago

  One dancer in the club that I go to the most often is friendly, affectionate, etc. until after I get a dance with her. After the dance she's chatting up her next potential customer. But the next time she see's me she makes a beeline for me because she knows that I'm good for a dance and a tip. It's pretty obviously a business transaction with her.....
• wm2slc

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  13 years ago

  I found that if you always tip big, you are less likely to become a friend, maybe if they want OTC, then they may be intereste... When you are the biggest, or one of the biggest tippers, at that point you become an income source... I have always tipped modestly, but regularly but not the biggest tipper in the place...
• samsung1

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  13 years ago

  Interesting you pick the name Becky for this gal [view link] Plies song called "Becky" about a girl giving good head.
• lopaw

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  13 years ago

  Falling sloppy head-over-heels in love with a dancer is usually a recipe for disaster. I keep successful OTC friendships/relationships because I shut off that emotion - it's strictly booty-call. You have to...especially if you're married and plan to stay that way.
• sayeh443

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  13 years ago

  Very sad story.
• staxwell

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  13 years ago

  Wow, that's just...wow. I'm having second thoughts.
• runrdude

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  13 years ago

  Thanks. That story helped me.
• Leonard313

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  13 years ago

  It's a tough read. On the one hand, I can kinda relate. I went to Detroit as well and dropped more than I could afford one weekend. First sex I ever had outside of marriage and it was amazing. Like anything amazing, you don't want it to be over, so yeah, I wanted an e-mail or phone number or something...but didn't have the balls to pursue it. Then I met another stripper in a club nearby. same urge, to maybe go back, maybe become a "regular", maybe get "something more". And again, dropped more than I could afford. On the other hand, I don't have that much sympathy (for myself or him) because it's all about money. That's all it is. The most pathetic guys in the club aren't the married guys looking for an escape from their life...that's just natural. And it's not the horny 21 year old geeks that blow in their pants as soon as the girls touch them. The most pathetic guys are the "regulars"...who think the stripper(s) are their friends. They show up at the club with hardly any money, thnking they'll get free attention because they're "special". But they aren't. As soon as a guy in a suit walks in and starts making it rain...you're an afterthought or worse, an annoyance. That's their job. They make you think you're special. And even us veterans can get fooled from time to time (by the good ones). But when I'm out of dough...the night is over. When I walk in with a briefcase full of cash...I'm their new favorite. Same with extras. You want a little extra hand or mouth action in the private area when you're dropping $20 a dance...stay there for 10 dances. Drop $200 like it ain't nothin. She says, "I don't do that."...test her. What if I stay for 10 songs? What if I tip an extra $50? $100? $150? $200? $250? Everybody's got a price. They chose a profession where they get naked for money and let scumbags touch their private parts. Even the elite girls have a price..it's just higher.
• Stiletto25

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  13 years ago

  " Even the elite girls have a price..it's just higher" Mmmmm interesting.
• fillyfan

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  13 years ago

  While you seem to have escaped major trouble so far, I would advise you to stay clear for awhile and cover your tracks. Detection comes at the most inopportune times and can happen when you start to drop your guard. Be careful and change your patterns now.
• skeets35

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  13 years ago

  What are you, 18 years old? Grow up for God's sake. This women sells sex for a living and you were simply her money train for a short time. Now, not only have you put your marriage in jeopardy, she will always be able and come back for more money or else spill to your women the relationship. Try to sleep with that on your mind for the next few years. If you want OTC action, do your communicating on a pre-paid cell ONLY, no emails or FB, even fake accounts can be traced. And for God's sake, grow up.
• JohnBuford

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  13 years ago

  That was a tough read.Well written and a good lesson for anyone who is thinking OTC,and ITC can get away from us at times.
• joesparty

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  13 years ago

  Good comments here. I wasn't looking for a therapy session, and now that more time has passed (I wrote this a few weeks ago and it took another week to get published), I'm feeling even luckier to have escaped the situation relatively unscathed. And lucky that she's a good person who hasn't gone back on her promise to keep our relationship quiet. Finally, a little distance (in time and in the fact I still haven't gone back to her club) helps immensely. FYI for those that asked, or those who were wondering, I think the word that best describes the situation is infatuation. I was infatuated with her and the situation. It wasn't about money, because (as I noted in the main article), I rarely paid her. Sure, I was a regular at the club, but I rarely paid her for OTC. I'm just glad that this has made a couple guys think twice about what they're doing. Maybe not all of us will stop, but hopefully we'll all stop and think first.
• georgmicrodong

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  13 years ago

  I think "infatuation" is absolutely the right word here. Thank the gods I've managed to avoid the worst of this type of thing so far. It's easy to like a girl who's giving you sex. For me, it's much less satisfying if I *don't* like her at least a little bit, and if any here are the same way, you know it's entirely too easy to let that get out of hand. I honestly believe that the reason *I* haven't fallen into the same trap is the fact that I don't have to hide it from my wife. I know that sounds weird, but I think the fact that I have a solid emotional base at home, one that, because she already knows, isn't going to change when my activity is "found out", reduces the emotional need that I think is at least partly responsible for some of the stories found here.
• jackslash

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  13 years ago

  A beautiful girl treats us as if we're special and gives us sex. The only thing that's surprising is that we don't fall in love more often.
• endlesstempo

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  13 years ago

  Thanks for this. Infatuation is totally the right word to describe it. I'm in this situation right now, and, without divulging too much detail, I think this article may have just saved me a lot of trouble.
• HonestT

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  13 years ago

  Joesparty, thanks for the confessional. Many of the comments were helpful as well. Nothing like having money, (temporary) power, and women to make you jumble your priorities.
• steve229

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  13 years ago

  Infatuation Not seeing the rest of you is getting the best of me It’s such a shame that you shot me down It would have been nice to be around I’m touching your skin If it’s only a fantasy, then why is it killing me? I guess this must be...infatuation
• mjx01

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  13 years ago

  1) Do you love your wife? 2) Is your wife putting out? If you've answered yes to both questions... seems like a big risk to me. If you've answered no to any question, you have bigger issues that dancer infatuation.
• Dougster

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  13 years ago

  I don't understand how married guys can live with their conscience if they are fucking whores, knowing they are putting their wives at risks of STDs and all. Maybe their conscience is a little impaired to begin with and they just find stupid rationalizations?
• Leonard313

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  13 years ago

  jackslash, very insightful. Dougster...if you're married and don't understand, I envy you. If you're single and don't understand...well, I still envy you, for being single...but you have no idea what you're talking about. I'm married and haven't had sex since a mistress I had sex with over a month ago. And after I had (safe) sex with a stripper (although we exchanged oral unprotected) back in April, I got my blood tested shortly thereafter and it was clean. Not saying it's the "ideal" plan...but when you're in a bad marriage, there aren't any "ideal" choices, just "rock, hard place, and other rock."
• Dougster

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  13 years ago

  Leonard313:"Safe sex" Yeah, like condoms are 100% effective.
• runrdude

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  13 years ago

  I have sex with strippers and I do not put my wife at risk for STD's. Figure it out.
• Doc_Holliday

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  13 years ago

  You're wife's still a virgin??
• runrdude

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  13 years ago

  LOL Might as well be now......
• looneylarry

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  13 years ago

  I am bemused by the tsk-tsking going on by some of the posters. When the wife turns the dial down to 0 and leaves it there, what do you do? It would be nice to turn my dial down, too, but it is not that simple. Don't look at porn, don't go to strip clubs, don't look at other women, don't look out of the corner of your eye. If she could scramble my thoughts with a remote-controlled device, she'd do it. And I know what you're thinking, "For God's sake, just get out!" Well, when you have children, why am I the one required to take a hike when it is her problem? I want to be a full-time father to my children, and I don't want to be chased off like a stray dog. You can take your sanctimonious crap and go pack sand.
• akarno

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  13 years ago

  You can't trust dancers......I was in a 2 years relationship with a dancer and nothing good about it!I just had my eyes to cry aft spending over $200k on her.
• zman429

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  13 years ago

  Looney - been there done that. Suggest you lay cards on table and tell wife no sex isn't going to work for you, get some counseling and resolve relationship issues. That's the best way to be a good father to your kids and to be a good mom she should want a happy family.
• georgmicrodong

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  13 years ago

  zman, what is going to help this relationship? Making her have sex when she doesn't want to, or making him do without when he doesn't want to?
• steve_ny

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  13 years ago

  My take on the situation is that she was developing real feelings. If it was just manipulation, she wouldn't end it. She would keep it going as long as possible and maintain the income stream. She didn't want a relationship and it probably was starting to feel complicated. I give her credit for doing what I believe was the right thing. One major recommendation, stay away from the club for a significant amount of time. If you keep paying her, you are dragging out your feelings. You will feel different if you can stay away for awhile.
• pianoman101

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  13 years ago

  I've been to many clubs and have been a regular customer at a few. I know several dancers very well from when I was a regular. I've done 30 or more champagne rooms with 9 dancers and many couch/lap dances with at least 40 dancers as a regular and occasional customer at a least 10 clubs. I would say that it is rare for a dancer to develop a sexual relationship outside the club that is not mostly about money. Depending on the club, I estimate between 40 to 60 percent of the dancers use drugs (mostly cocaine) and most of them you cannot trust at all! However, I also estimate about 5 to 10 percent do develop, or have had honest, sexual-love relationships with customers. In their degree of sincerity, they are no different than non-dancers among the general public. (Even among the general public I estimate LESS than 20 % of non-dancers develop honest sexual love where material wealth or extreme insecurity is not the major reason.) The rare exotic dancers that engages in genuine friendships and love/sexual relationships are among the ones with the strictest rules about touching and, in most cases, are very smart and have a college education, and they do not do drugs. But some do drink alcohol. I'm close friends with 4 part-time dancers like that. One has a semi-professional job during the day and dances for extra money (she use to do it in college); another lost her job as a teacher and dances (she also danced while in college) to supplement unemployment; and the other two are college students who dance because its the only way to pay for out-of-state tuition and their status as international students. All four live in cities outside of the city they dance in. This is because they don't want anyone where they live, or place of employment, or at their school, know that they strip. At my place of employment (I will not reveal my job) I frequently see two of the dancers. I keep what they do as a secret, and they keep it a secret that I first met them at a strip club. I go out frequently with (and have had some sex with) two among the four dancers. But I know all four very well and have seen plenty of hard evidence (college transcripts, job badges, met their non-stripper friends at their work place, etc.) to know that they are telling me the truth. They have never asked for money and, in fact, they have turned down offers of money from me to help them when in a financial bind. At times they even insist on paying for drinks or dinner. Three of them were originally from another country but are either citizens now, or are green card holders. All four have extremely individualistic and unique personalities. Most notably all 4 are emotionally very secure about themselves, which is rare among most other women in the general public or among strippers. Also, 3 of them are from moderately well-off families who do not know that they strip. Interestingly three hardly ever drink alcohol, don't smoke, and have no tatoos. One has tatoos, drinks and smokes but nevertheless is very different from most exotic dancers and other women. All four, as well as nearly all dancers, are highly tolerant of men's physical appearances, the roughness and touch of a their hands, and personalities of men in general (as are most women, but perhaps to a lesser extent). All four view most customers as men who show varying degrees of disrespect for strippers and especially view strippers mostly as sexual objects--no surprise here! They all agree with my analogy that 80 percent of the time they tolerate customers sort of the way a nurses aid or a plumber has to tolerate their job, but still have to do it. They allow for a limited amount of physical contact (including sucking their tits in the champagne room) that in most cases does not turn them on. But all four told me that they get turned on occasionally, at least a little, by the right guy who is nice and attractive to them. How's that different than when dating a really attractive nice guy? You get paid directly, and sometimes a lot, for letting him touch you intimately...what a deal when it's a pretty nice guy!! Also, I know 2 really decent club managers and 3 bouncers who are married to dancers. The two club managers were protective of, and took good care of, one of my close dancer friends when she worked at their club. So in my experience, and observations, it is possible to develop a close and even genuine sexual relationship with a rare and exceptional dancer. But don't expect success, if you're a jerk and clearly put out vibes that you don't really respect them. And if you're interested in a friendship or love affair with a stripper, and lucky enough to have one, expect that they may be as fickled or unpredictable as any other woman...after all, they are women!!
• deejaymedstu

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  13 years ago

  I would strongly recommend not to date one. 70% of them suffer from some form of addiction and they mostly just want your money no matter how much they flirt with you or let you touch them. Just go, have a fun time, and move on. If you can take her home, go for it but don't get attached. I knew a stripper and she was a good friend of mine. She was quite generous with her money but I never pursued anything with her. Plus, maybe 95% of them have baby daddy's and that's another story and for some reason, they are probably in jail. Anyway, save yourself the trouble and just have fun there and leave a happy man. I am an excellent salsa dancer and have asked some dancers to be my partner at a salsa club and they have not showed up. It's true if you tip big, you are now seen as a paycheck and not as a potential mate. I also met an awesome dancer in TJ and she was studying forensic criminology (she really was since I tested her by asking her some questions about it since I took an awesome criminal justice course and know biology quite well). I just remember the fun times and memories and just move on with my life. Find a nice girl at a coffee shop, grocery store, night club, mall, etc and take her out instead.
• socrates17

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  13 years ago

  My 1 relationship with a dancer was totally wonderful, probably because it was completely platonic. When chatting one day at the bar of a local establishment we discovered a mutual love of science fiction. We wound up going (dutch) to movies together, dinner together, I got her real name and life story, and she introduced me to one of the greatest writers ever (multiple award winner Connie Willis) who I would not have discovered on my own. She left the business and moved on and I still miss her as a friend, but there is no regret or pain involved. I was not married at the time but I did have a steady girlfriend.
• malibucoconuts

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  13 years ago

  Wow, this is an amazing discussion. It have helped me avoid a big mistake. Thanks joesparty.
• sameli

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  13 years ago

  I've always thought the best way to think about this kind of thing is the same way you do about your all time favorite cute waitress/bartender. You can be "real" work friends, you can honestly care for someone (and in some ways, they care for you) and have a relationship that on some levels is legitimately personal -- but the bottom line is that you would not have met, nor have developed either the ITC or OTC relationship, if there wasn't an element of commerce to it. The only partial exception I can see is if it includes OTC meetings that do not involve any of "that kind" of activity, and in which there is no payment for time. In short, you're simply meeting for, say, dinner, with no ties. Yet even then, 1) there's often an unspoken quid-pro-quo that exists in which future club visits (and $$$) are expected, and 2) in most cases, they usually feel that there's something a little creepy about someone who goes to a club often enough to become a regular (my only long-time regular made the mistake of mentioning something about being tired "of guys who go to clubs" -- she realized what she said and blushed and apologized, but it wasn't a surprise. There's not going to be a "love connection" here (in the very few cases where that happens, it happens VERY quickly). Being the regular can be a fun experience, and as socrates17 said, can be a relationship that is honestly enjoyable -- but the best (and really only) way you can come out of it in a good way is if both parties know going in what it is, and what it isn't. 1) OTC meeting that does not include the type of
• Rlionheart

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  13 years ago

  You've said it yourself but for emphasis you are soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo lucky That is probably the best break you'll ever get. Don't repeat the mistake regardless of how charming, beautiful, etc. she is. It's only downhill from here pal and it will make your life sound like a CW song.
• MADDOG_ROMEO

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  12 years ago

  yup