Lawyers

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural West Virginia. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the United States and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own.

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in West Virginia. We settle small disagreements like this; with the "Three Kick Rule."

The lawyer asked, "What is the Three Kick Rule?"

The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth.

The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie . The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay old man. Now it's my turn."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck.

A man walks into a bar with a disgusted look on his face.

Bartender asks, 'What's wrong buddy'?

Man replies, 'All lawyers are assholes'

A voice from a dark corner of the bar speaks up, 'I resent that'!

Man asks, 'Are you a lawyer'?

The voice in the corner replies, 'No, I'm an asshole'

Why did New Jersey get all the chemical plants and toxic waste dumps, while Washington D.C. got all the lawyers? New Jersey chose first....

Not a lawyer joke...


A man with a gun walks in to a bar...
He unholsters the weapon and waves it in the air, shouting, "I have a 45 caliber Colt 1911 with 7 rounds in the magazine and one in the chamber, and I want to know who's been sleeping with my wife!"

A voice from the back shouts, "you're gonna need more ammo!"

Speaking of wives...


A young blonde is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home early to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She pulls the gun from her purse and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!''

Late one afternoon, the Air Force security at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their “secret” base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.

The pilot’s story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.

By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn’t a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying “you-did-not-see-a-base” briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.

The day after that though, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the SP’s surrounded the plane, only this time there were two people in the plane.

The same pilot jumped out and said, “Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!”

Guy comes home and asks his wife what she would do if he won the lottery. she immediately says I would divorce you and take half the winnings .Guy then says ,well I won twelve bucks on a scratch ticket, here's six bucks keep in touch

A young woman walks into a bar to meet her friend. She tells her friend that last night she had her first taste of semen. Her friend said she went to a party all night and had a taste of four frat boys, a drummer, a singer, a cop, a lawyer and two firemen. Oh, and a bartender while she was waiting for her to get there.

What is the problem with lawyer jokes? Lawyers don't think they're funny and nobody else thinks they're jokes.

back to lawyers...

How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they’d rather keep their clients in the dark.

Someone mistakenly left the cages open in the Reptile House at the zoo, and there were snakes slithering all over the place. Frantically, the keeper tried everything but couldn’t get the slippery animals back into their cages.
Finally, he yelled, “Quick, call a lawyer!”
“A lawyer? Why?”
“We need someone who speaks their language.”

A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, “Do you serve lawyers here?”
“Sure do,” replied the bartender.
“Good,” said the man. “Give me a beer, and I’ll have a lawyer for my gator.”

Two lawyers are in a bank when, suddenly, two armed robbers burst in. While one of the robbers takes the money from the tellers, the other lines the customers, including the lawyers, up against a wall and proceeds to take their wallets, watches and other valuables. The first lawyer shoves something into the other one’s hand.
“What is this?” the latter asks without looking.
“It’s that $100 I owe you.”

A man was sent to hell for his sins. As he was being taken to his place of eternal torment, he passed a room where a lawyer was having sex with a beautiful woman. “What a rip-off,” the man muttered.
“I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer spends it with that gorgeous woman.”
Jabbing the man with his pitchfork, the escorting demon snarled, “Who are you to question that woman’s punishment?”

At the start of an important trial, a small town attorney called his first witness to the stand. She seemed like a sweet, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. You've become a huge disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a hot shot lawyer, when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She replied, "Why, of course I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, also, is a real disappointment. He's lazy, bigoted, never has a nice word to say about anybody, and he drinks like a fish. He's been divorced five times, and everybody knows that his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."

The judge rapped his gavel, to quiet the tittering among the spectators in the courtroom. Once the room was silent, he called both attorneys to his bench. In a quiet, menacing voice, he warned, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt!"

It’s an old one but…

What’s the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?

One’s a scum sucking bottom dweller, and the other is a fish.

Lmao