The Granny Pimps

A few years ago the security department at my company decreed that I had to stay at the Four Seasons Hotel while I was in Jakarta on business. The Four Seasons was regarded as having exceptionally good security. Recent bombings at hotels in Jakarta had rendered top shelf security a lot more important than usual.

The Four Seasons in Jakarta was one of the more “elegant” high end hotels at the time. It is off the main roads. It is a quiet venue lacking any on-site mingles bar.

In other words, it’s a dull place to stay.

But, as a guy who had already spent many years living in Jakarta, I already knew where to go if I wanted trouble.

One evening as I was returning to the Four Seasons after dinner with some friends I saw two older women sitting in the lobby having some tea. They were well-dressed and looked like a couple of respectable Indonesian grannies. One appeared to be in her late 50s and the other in her late 40s. When they saw me entering the lobby they began smiling and waving enthusiastically at me. They seemed to recognize me.

Although I didn’t recognize them, my first thought was that they might be a couple of my former co-workers. After all, I had lived and worked for many years in Jakarta. Had I failed to recognize friends because they had aged so much since I last saw them?

I didn’t want to appear rude to a couple of former friends, so I smiled back and approached them, expecting to soon recognize a couple of former co-workers, possibly even some friends of mine.

I took a seat with them but still could not place either one of them.

After confirming that I could speak Indonesian, one of them pulled out what looked like a family photo album and handed it to me. As I opened it up and began looking through page after page of photos of very sexy young Indonesian women, they explained that they could deliver any one (or several) of these sexy young women to my hotel room within 30 minutes.

So they weren’t former co-workers and they didn’t really know me at all!

I was surprised that they were operating brazenly in the lobby of the Four Seasons. The hotel staff surely knew what these ladies were up to.

I decided to have some fun with them. I pretended to be interested in the girls in the photo album. (I actually WAS interested, but I had no intention of transacting business with these granny pimps).

Expecting that they would only accept cash, I asked if they accepted credit cards. They confirmed that they only accepted cash.

I pretended to be disappointed and said, “Aku tidak bawah duit.” (I don’t have any cash.)

They said there was no problem. They knew of an ATM about a five minute walk from the hotel. One of them would walk with me to show me where it was.

I was well acquainted with the area and knew where the nearest ATM was but pretended I didn’t.

They just knew I was going to hire at least one, possibly two, of their girls for the night and were anxious to get me to the ATM.

But I’d already had my fun with them. I pretended to have an incoming call on my cell phone, spoke briefly to my imaginary caller and then informed the granny pimps that I had to go to my room and finish this call.

They were disappointed but remained friendly.

I disappeared into the elevator and thought I’d surely seen the last of them.

I was wrong.

The very next evening as I was returning to the hotel from dinner with another group of friends I spotted the granny pimps again. The were in the same spot, enjoying some tea in the Four Seasons’ elegant but nearly empty lobby. They erupted in smiles and frantic hand waving when they saw me enter.

I decided to have some more fun at their expense.

I sat down and ordered myself a double Macallan, neat.

They immediately handed me the photo album which I began to pore over, commenting here and there about how hot some of the girls were.

“Sudah ke ATM?” (Did you already go to the ATM?) they asked me.

“Sudah!” (Already!) I replied. “Aku dapat duit banyak!” (I got a lot of cash!)

They both smiled broadly. They were salivating like a couple of Pavlov’s pooches. They just KNEW they had an imminent sale.

Then, wrinkling my brow, I pretended to be looking for something I couldn’t find.

I explained that the girls were all so pretty but they were too young for me. I wanted an older woman who had some experience between the sheets. The younger, inexperienced girls were always too timid.

One of the granny pimps took the photo album from me and quickly found a photo of a woman who she said was 28 or maybe 29. She was very sexy.

I said I was hoping to find someone older still. I wanted a woman with deep sexual experience to match my own.

The younger of the two granny pimps was getting it all wrong.

She suddenly blurted out that they didn’t have her picture in the photo album but that they could get me a 14 year old girl within 45 minutes. The older granny pimp rolled her eyes in apparent disgust at her partner’s foolishness and explained to her hapless accomplice that I wanted an OLDER woman, NOT a younger, woman.

They sank back into their well-upholstered seats. They looked defeated.

Suddenly the face of the younger of the two granny pimps lit up.

“I’ll go to your room with you!” she happily announced.

Her older accomplice just looked at her, slack-jawed.

I reached for my phone and pretended to have another incoming business call. I made my excuses and disappeared into the elevators chucking to myself about the amazing granny pimps of the Four Seasons.