Sailors walking into strip club reminded to ‘clap like Mike Pence is speaking’

SAN DIEGO, Calif. — A group of sailors preparing to enter the Rear Admiral Gentleman’s Club were reminded by Command Master Chief Petty Officer Michael Tubbins on Saturday evening to “clap like Mike Pence is speaking,” — referencing the primal sexual energy typically elicited by the vice president’s remarks, sources confirmed today. The sailors, who varied in age, rank, and number of vice presidential addresses attended, appreciated the reminder, according to defense officials. “Obviously, we’ve all attended a few speeches by the vice president, usually while on temporary duty away from our home station” stated Petty Officer 3rd Class Jason Smith. “Heck, we all know that one junior sailor new to the fleet who marries the first Mike Pence speechwriter he meets. But we’re young, horny sailors so being in a strip club was a new experience for us and the Master Chief’s advice for how to act was invaluable.” “These kids aren’t dumb. They know if there is one thing you do in a strip club it’s clap but it’s usually more reserved like when a movie ends or when your plane lands safely,” Master Chief Tubbins told reporters. “But when a young lady in six inch glass heels and a G-string with several C-section scars takes her top off that’s not time to just be polite, you need to really help her feel welcome.” Sources confirmed that the entire group of sailors responded in kind and expressed enthusiasm that was more than worthy of a Mike Pence address. “I do this job for the applause so I’m always hoping it’ll be loud but from the second I stepped out there I was like whoa, is the vice president here? This is crazy,” said DyNasti, a dancer at Rear Admiral. “And when the DJ started spinning Hail to the Chief, I knew I had to work that pole the way Mr. Pence works that podium.” Tubbins, who was present for the Pence’s “ISIS is defeated(-ish)” speech in January, expressed pride in his sailors’ effort but says it still cannot compare to the atmosphere of a real Mike Pence speech. “Friday night had more boobs than a typical speech by the vice president but no VIP room will ever match the raw energy, intensity, and emotion of a Pence original.” At press time, Command Master Chief Tubbins had been asked to resign from the Navy for daring to imply that sailors would bring the type of enthusiasm exhibited in a vice presidential address into a titty bar. Additionally, Petty Officer 3rd Class Smith and Dynasti are now married and expecting their first child together. (From the Duffel Blog)