Apple event

Mar 25, 2019, 6:56 PM

Apple had an event today. It was the sort of nothing-burger we’ve come to expect in the Tim Cook era. This Onion parody captured the mood.

CUPERTINO, CA—At a highly anticipated press event at its Silicon Valley headquarters Tuesday afternoon, tech giant Apple officially unveiled to the public a panicked and completely idea-free man.

The white, ultrathin man, who exhibited such features as artificial excitement, a fully quavering voice, and what appeared to be a near total lack of inspiration, was put on full display for thousands of shareholders, industry insiders, reporters, and fans today in what Apple hopes will be a game-changer for the multinational corporation.

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Papi_Chulo6 years ago

Steve Jobs was Apple - I'm surprised Apple has remained this strong w/o Jobs there - appears to me the company is just riding the coattails of the Jobs era.

Papi_Chulo6 years ago

Jobs was famous for his product launches - now every tech nerd tries to emulate what he made unique and cool.

Papi_Chulo6 years ago

^ i.e. his presentation style

JamesSD6 years ago

I mean I can see where in a dupoloy situation Apple has been able to limp along following the Asian model of "same product, small improvement"

mark946 years ago

One rule for investors is to sell a stock when it builds a world class headquarters. It’s a sign that management is more concerned about status and comfort rather than customers and product.

6236 years ago

Jobs was a massive risk taker and some of his attempts crashed just as hard as some of them soared. Good on him, he was not afraid to fail.

Trillion dollar companies don’t take those kind of risks nor should they.

Mate276 years ago

Apple is up 2% today, and over 10% for the month.

mark946 years ago

They announced a new video service but not what it would cost, what it would include, or when it would be available.

They announced an expanded news service, and what publications would be included, but not which content. For example, will it have select articles from the WSJ, or its entire library of print and online articles.

The entire event seemed a half-baked attempt to distract from its hardware disappointments.

mark946 years ago

Now, the Babylon Bee has news

CUPERTINO, CA—In what was arguably the highlight of Apple's product event in Cupertino yesterday, the company unveiled its new single-use Lightning cables.

As soon as you get one charge out of the cable, it will disintegrate into a fine powder. Your phone will then automatically order a new one from Apple's online store for $49.99.

"The thing people like most about using Apple products is spending more money on Apple products," Tim (Apple) said at the event. "Well, get ready to spend even more money. You wanted it, you asked for it, and we're the first company in history to give it to you: single-use cables!"