Flagooner's jokes of the day
TheeOSU
FUCK IT!
Flag and his buddy were sitting having coffee when flag complained "My joints are stiff"
His buddy replied "Yer rolling them too tight."
His buddy replied "Yer rolling them too tight."
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The doctor said, "Then stay out of the joints."
Doc.: Drink more water.
Flag: They don't serve water in the joints where I go.
Flag says: "I'd like to get in her pants."
His buddy, shocked, said: "You are nearly 90 years old! Why do you want to get into her pants?"
Flag replies: "I've peed in mine."
The doctor says to Flag, "Why do you want the Viagra pills broken into 4 pieces? The directions say you have to take a whole tablet.
Flag says, "All is want to do is stop peeing on my shoes."
"It began when my crazy friend decided that my dad, Charles, and another friend’s equally ancient father, Al, had been spending too much time nodding off in front of their TV sets. She thought it would be nice to spice up their lives with a birthday celebration that would include an outing to the nearest gentleman's club.
So off we went to Mr. J’s, an unobtrusive-looking Santa Ana bar, on a Sunday afternoon to catch the first show of the day. The timing was perfect, as far as we were concerned. There were the three of us (two daughters and their crazy friend), the two elderly gents and a club empty of everyone except dancers, bartender and bouncer.
The dads rolled into the club, literally: Al sitting in his wheelchair and my dad steering his walker. Everyone looked our way, but if our little oddball parade surprised anyone, they didn’t show it. We noticed some smiles, but the staff was professional, if that’s what one would call it.
The dads took a spin down to the stage, where they parked at the edge waiting for the show to begin. We sat several rows back, unsure what to expect.
Then the lights lowered and dancers began appearing onstage, strutting sexily, snaking around a pole and doing slow strip-teases. The dads weren’t sleepy this afternoon. They were laughing and nudging each other’s arms.
But my crazy friend thought they were missing out on part of the traditional strip club routine. So she pulled some $1 bills out of her wallet, and handed them forward to the dads.
Both put the bills in their pockets.
“No,” she said, “they’re for the girls. Give them to the girls.” They looked at her like she was speaking a foreign language. Two Depression-era guys with a couple of extra dollars that appeared out of the blue? No way would they give them away.
My friend kept on trying. She asked each of them which dancer he liked (both chose Cheyenne) and announced she was buying them each a lap dance. My dad, the birthday boy, would be first. He put aside the walker and stood up, his arms outstretched.
Cheyenne wasn’t sure what was going on. Neither were we. Then my dad stepped in close and began gliding her around the club in a Viennese waltz. He had a grin the size of Texas.
Other parties were held for him that year, including a large family-and-friends gathering. He enjoyed them all. But I never saw that same smile again.
The day after our trip to Mr. J’s, the three of us took Dad out to lunch. “Did you have fun yesterday?” Al’s daughter asked. “I really did,” my dad said. “I don’t quite remember why. But I had a very good time, indeed.”
Flag says to his buddy "I got a new hearing aid and I can hear everything now, it's fantastic."
Buddy says, "What kind is it?"
Reply : "3 O'clock."
A few days later, the doctor saw Flag walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Flag and said: "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
Flag replied: "Just doing what you said, Doc. Get a hot mamma and be cheerful."
The doctor said: "I didn't say that. I said, You've got a heart murmur - be careful."
Flag doesn't believe her, but tells her to go ahead and try.
"Pull down your pants," she says.
He doesn't understand but does it anyway. She inspects his rear end for a few minutes and then says, "You're 84 years old."
"That's amazing," Flag says. "How did you know?"
"You told me yesterday."
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him.
Flag said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000", the jeweler said.
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
Flag seeing this said, "We'll take it."
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and Flag stated, by check. "I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.
Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned Flag. "There's no money in that account."
"I know", said Flag, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"
HUSBAND WANTED!
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,
AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.
On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman, Flag with no arms or legs sitting in a wheelchair. The old woman said, "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you ... you have no legs!" Flag smiled, "Therefore I cannot run around on you!"
She snorted. "You don't have any hands either!" Again Flag smiled, "Nor can I beat you!"
She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently. "Are you still good in bed?" With that, Flag leaned back, beamed a big broad smile and said, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
Flag says: "I feel just like a newborn baby."
"Really? Like a newborn baby?"
"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."