Getting over an ATF
gentleman6555
New York
Despite all the advice to the contrary, I fucked up and got emotionally involved with a stripper. We’ve been seeing each other OTC for awhile now and the sex has been great. We text a lot, snuggle, talk etc., though we never shared last names.
But now she’s seeing a different richer guy and the writing is on the wall that this whole thing will probably go away. I’m married anyway so this was never going to last. Anyway I don’t know what I’m really asking, just venting.
Haven’t felt this twisted over a girl since high school. I guess in a way that’s part of the whole experience. Lesson learned. Now- any advice on getting over it?
But now she’s seeing a different richer guy and the writing is on the wall that this whole thing will probably go away. I’m married anyway so this was never going to last. Anyway I don’t know what I’m really asking, just venting.
Haven’t felt this twisted over a girl since high school. I guess in a way that’s part of the whole experience. Lesson learned. Now- any advice on getting over it?
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Try to not think about her. One method to get over an atf - is to find a new atf. That should keep your head in the game. Nothing beats that new whore smell - lol! It might also keep your schedule about the same.
If you want to take a break for a bit - that’s another good option. You might enjoy having some more money in your pocket - and spending more time with your wife.
Just remember - she’s really not worth thinking about. If she’s moved on - it’s best that you do the same.
Isn't it amazing that you got so emotionally involved with someone who you didn't even share last names with? Crazy, isn't it? From the outside looking in, the normal person's response to this is: "what are you, a fucking idiot?". That said, since I (and I gather most of us) have made the exact same mistake as you, you're in a good place to commiserate :) I just look back on my experience, and the many outrageous interactions and patterns we had, and wonder how I could have ever fallen into it. I think it's a slow build: it is absolutely abnormal psychology to be in love with a prostitute with whom you don't even share last names, but things like this feel normalized if you just ease into it slowly and your brain has time to make up excuses for each small anomaly.
Give it time...
Many a PL falls in the PL-trap of thinking this-time/their-situation is different and their particular SC-relationship is more-legit per se that the other losers, whether consciously or subconsciously.
Also, find another ASAP. That's the easiest way to get over it in my experience. May take some time, don't rush it just to get one, find what you want.
Now, maybe just me, but when I went through this I realized the importance of backups or secondary girls. These girls are fickle and flighty, any time may be the last time you ever see them. So I try to keep in contact with 2+ girls as I'm well aware I may lose one at any moment.
I've not seen my ATF in almost 9 years. A few have been a CF, but none approached replacing my ATF. I can identify with you. Difficult to explain the relationship we had. I was the one that broke it off long before the last time I saw her. Still, to this day, it hurts. One can't care for another for 8+ years, and just act like they never existed.
[inside joke]
For a few months I just kept clubbing and tried to forget about her, and since August I've had another OTC girl that I've seen several times. But now there's an unexpected development: She got out of jail recently and called me the same afternoon, stating that she would like to "get together" a few times before she moves away! Now I have to decide if I even want to see her again, knowing that I'm likely to get infatuated with her all over again.
Perhaps the best advice I can give came from a TUSCL friend who will remain anonymous: "The best way to get over one woman is to get under another"
@. Wow! That's a tale brother. Must have eaten at you for a while, you should be totally cold now.
I’m not trying to be a dick - but I’d let her go. Since you’ve not seen her for awhile - you aren’t feeling the infatuation now - so maybe it’s best to not restart the flame?
Getting emotionally involved makes the here and now more fulfilling, but it is destined to make the eventual split more painful.
At least with a civvie there is a chance it will work.
Of course you should see her - a jailbird sounds like a total keeper
Some of the dumbest money I have spent was trying to pick up where I had left off, but with a different dancer without spending the same amount of time and effort I had finding and getting to know the former CF. If the clubs near you have a lot of dancers who are to your liking, that kind of thing may be mostly a non-issue, but it's better to go in without the expectation of a new one having all of her same strong points, and allow yourself to appreciate her different ones without comparing one certain attribute of the new one to that of the old one.
This is a little bit of a rehash of a previous thread about CF's and ATF's, but I've added a little more perspective on how I avoided making the situation worse than it could've been.
I found this discussion board on TUSCL after a couple visits to see my former CF. I read several discussions where PL's were falling in love with their favorite. I also read several discussions about OTC. I realized what I really wanted with my former CF was to arrange OTC dates. All I really wanted was an opportunity to have sex with her. After about 5 visits, I got the vide she was not the type to do OTC. I then took a proactive approach and went to some different clubs where I successfully got ITC FS with girls that were just as hot as her.
Now that I had some leverage, I planned on one more visit to see the CF and ask her if she would do OTC. On that night, from the moment I paid cover, I felt out of place being at her club. Suddenly, I noticed all the girls in the club acting very pushy in their approach to ask for dances. The CF herself was acting very pushy and it caught me off guard. I was beginning to get turned off by her behavior. While getting dances with her, I asked her if she would do OTC. I already knew her answer would be "no". Her answer was indeed "no". This was supposed to be the last time I would go see her. However, for the next 3 months, I could not get her out of my head. I eventually came around to going back to her club to see if the previous visit was a fluke. I did feel more comfortable in the club this time. However, when she approached me, it was more of the same pushy behavior that turned me off the last time. I got the confirmation I needed that it was indeed time to cut bait for good.
I had enough control to know that my interactions with her were just 100% fantasy, yet once I saw all the signs it was time to cut bait, she stayed in my head for months and thoughts about her just would not go away until recently. Sometimes it just takes time to let things pass by.
That is some story. Serious money invested there bro to end up like that. Must have been hard.
The best way to get over it will be different for everyone. Don't know what your situation is with your wife, but this might be a good time to reconnect with her. If the situation there is untenable (which I would assume is why you are clubbing) then finding another fave might be the next step If the money is there.
Pro tip: Always have viable backup ATFs already lined up before you lose your current one.
I tried this tactic on SA for a while and found the married women fit in 2 categories:
1) ones who didn't want any money. They were just looking for someone to pay them some attention and have discreet sex. They were NEVER attractive. I'm not as picky as most of the guys here, but even free sex wasn't enough to overcome the lack of attractiveness.
2) the attractive ones, who did want money - sometimes lots of it. One even went so far as to say in her profile "my husband is OK with the idea of other people supporting me in exchange for sex". Well, of course he is! There's nothing that makes me want to give you money for sex more than knowing some other guy is getting it for free.</sarcasm>
Even though my feelings for my ATF haven't abated in the slightest since she left, nor apparently, hers for me, and we both know our lives aren't going to change, it's still painful in some ways.
...unless you're a @JohnSmith midlife-crisis-type, in which case you should get some therapy.
"Even though my feelings for my ATF haven't abated in the slightest since she left, nor apparently, hers for me, and we both know our lives aren't going to change, it's still painful in some ways."
I don't think she feels the same since I broke it off, but my feels are still there. The few times I've seen her since, she would hardly even talk to me. Part of the reason could also be, we were with others that don't know of our SC relationship.
Now? Not so sure. After all this time, and all her demonstrations? Don't know if I could handle that. :(
I think a lot of who left who has a lot to do with the feelings aspect. I think I hurt her, but we really never had a chance to talk about it afterwards. I tried not to hurt her by way of an explanation. Wasn't her or myself as the reason. Location was the issue.
Given the circumstances, I don't see how things could have turned out any better, and I can definitely see how it could have been worse.
We would have never been a couple. I am married and she was so much younger. Would never work. I was a father figure. She was alone with few friends and no family. but it was still great while it lasted.