chronot --> "And I'm just wondering what the etiquette is as far as asking for extras go?"
There's no real polite way to do it, that's guaranteed not to offend some dancers. You're basically soliciting her for prostitution. There's no way around that. You might as well man up and do it.
I've never asked myself, but girls themselves have been pretty explicit. "Are you looking for sex?" "I'd be willing to fuck you for money" "suck your dick" "go back to your hotel room" etc have been solicitations I've heard from the girls. I guess it depends on your clubs and dancers' customs. I don't travel much so maybe other areas are different.
Also, if they ask "to party" they're asking you if you do hard core drugs and/or if you're willing to do them with them. Also "party favors" are the actual drugs themselves, the white power kind, the serious stuff. That's not my thing, but don't let the word "party" confuse you. I just mention it in case it comes up and you are unaware. It's best to stay way from those girls.
chronot --> "Do you come right out and say you want extras or whatever to the girl before entering the VIP area, is it discussed once in the VIP area and things are heating up?"
I can't help your there. All of the solicitations I've heard have been in the main room at the tables, at the bar, or outside in the smoking area.
I do know that any girl who dodges the question or answers in code or with ambiguous language is probably leading you on to get your money and won't deliver nothing but to-the-code dances (aka clean dances). The more ambiguous she is, the cleaner (to strict code) her dances will be. That much I do know.
chronot --> "How specific do you get when bringing it up, do you just say "extras" or come right out and say HJ, BJ etc?"
Don't use the word "extras". No one says that. That's a forum only word. I'd ask explicitly. Sometimes they use the word "takeout' which here, in cleveland, appears to be the local term for OTC (or out side the club) or p4p (pay for play) aka prostitution aka sex in your hotel room or sex at your house. Typically it's a 1 hour rate, at near local escort prices, per hour.
I don't get extras, so make my advice with a grain of salt. But it's solicitation so you might as well own it and man up.
chronot --> "since it was more physical I though that was something that needed to be discussed up front."
You might ask her what her rules are for dances, upfront (before you agree an before you go back to the lapdance areas). Not every customer does that. Many don't and just try touching, like shadowcat says. Both approaches are fine.
The bouncers, IME, won't throw you out unless you actually take a swing at them. With touching, when it's not allowed, girl will probably correct you first, or the bouncer will verbally warn you or tap you on your shoulder. I've been warned / correct by a bouncer before, on my first trip, too.
It's not too bad. Most of us went to the club the first time without any guide, and we did just fine. You'll be OK.
Most girls realize they won't make much money or they won't make extra money without touching. The only places you don't get touching are cities (like mine) that have codified city ordinance forbidding touching. ($300 fine, misdemeanor fourth degree). It pays to know the state laws, city ordinances (laws), and the individual club rules. What the club follows is a concatenation of the set of all three. On top of that, the dancers may have their own personal boundaries. Like shadowcat says, she'll correct you if there's a problem.
