Thanksgiving day jokes

The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did .... she's 21 and her name's Sandy.

The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me again because she can't afford batteries!

A man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead". The operator says, "How do you know?" He says "The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!"

I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair, but by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing.

I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning!

My buddy Kevin asked me, What's your favorite mythical creature? I said, Those happy women in Tampax ads.

A couple driving home hit and wounded a skunk on the road. The wife gets out and brings it back to the car. "We need to take it to a vet. Its shivering, it must be cold, what should I do?" she asks. Husband replies "Put it between your legs to keep it warm." "But it stinks!" she exclaims. "So hold its nose!"

Tony had just finished reading a new book entitled, 'You Can Be The Man of Your House.'

He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, 'From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert.

After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe.

Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?'

His Sicilian wife Gina replied, "The fucking funeral director would be my first guess."

On their way to the church to get married, a young Catholic couple were involved in a fatal car accident. Being good Catholics the young couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter finally showed up, they asked him. St Peter said "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out" and he leaves them sitting at the Gate. After three months, St Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes" he informs the couple " I can get you married in Heaven". "Great!" said the couple "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?" "You must be fucking joking" says St. Peter, red-faced with frustration slamming his clipboard on the ground. "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple".

"OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouted "It took me three months to find a priest up here.....Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"

I knew a hot dancer and asked her if I could name her legs. I named the left one thanksgiving and the right one Christmas. Then I asked her if it was ok to visit her between the holidays. She smiled.

She married and had 13 children. Her husband died. She married again and had 7 more children. Again, Her husband died. But, she remarried and this time had 5 more children. Alas, she finally died.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, “Lord, they’re finally together.”

One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, “Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?” The friend replied, “I think he means her legs.”

One day the teacher asked the children in class to give examples of what was not good to put in one's mouth. Little Johnny says "It’s not good to put a lit light bulb in one's mouth." The teacher says, "That is correct, but why?" Little Johnny answers, "I don't know, but my Mom always tells my Dad, "Turn off the light before you put it in my mouth.”

Q. How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?

A. Two. One to hold the chair and the other to suck my dick.

Nice!

Thanks to the couple guys that commented but it does appear that either hardly anyone likes these jokes, don't like jokes at all, or TUSCL's esteemed scholars are above the lowbrow activity of enjoying a joke so i won't clog up the forum with them. That will leave more room for the packers, movers, spammers, trolls and arguing that everyone seems to enjoy. Happy holidays! :-)

Stop being a feminist. You got a lotta attention even if no conservadudes and libtards pat your ass. One was good , lol or maybe 5

I always enjoy a good joke, yesterday however people had other responsibilities don't take the lack of responses as a criticism.

I enjoyed them. I just didn't know that you posted them as an attempt to have your ego stroked. Next time I'll post a comment.

One question. Are you a Millenial?

I believe that it was Confucius who said " It is difficult to soar like an eagle, when you work with a bunch of turkeys".

^^^ whoever said that was NOT making a sexual reference...rofl

@ flagooner, if I want my ego stroked i'll go to a strip club not a strip club forum. I posted in an attempt to add some levity among all of the arguing and bullshit. It appears that people would prefer to argue so that's fine, let them argue. I'm guilty of that myself at times. And no I am not a millennial.

@shadowcat, you have perfectly summed it up.

Well, I do enjoy your jokes. Thank you for posting them.

yes. i'm still with family and am mentally exausted. btw the gas prices and catholic priest/ lawyer quips were good.

Titties

Webster's new definition of hormones: The sounds a stripper makes.