Jack's Words to Live By

I am now a retired senior citizen and one of the oldest members of TUSCL, a PL emeritus, as it were, and I feel I have a duty to share the wisdom I have acquired with the younger generation of PLs. Here are my words to live by.


1 If you walk a mile in my shoes, you'll end up in a strip club.
2 When you start to get angry at some douche-bag trying to cock block you, calm down and remember that he is her husband and you're in the supermarket.
3 You have to LIKE a girl's posts on Facebook at least 25 times before you ask her to take a load in her mouth.
4 If you study chemistry, you will learn that beer is a solution.
5 If I wanted to fight my way through huge bushes, I would travel to the Amazon, not date civilian girls.
6 There are 2 ways to make a woman do what you want, but nobody knows what they are.
7 Someone who says that "more than a mouthful is a waste" clearly doesn't know his way around a set of tits.
8 Going to school, pursuing a career and raising a family are the ways they keep you from having any fun.
9 If I find you more beautiful on the inside than on the outside, you're not a woman. You're a bottle of beer.
10 It's hard to win an argument with a smart person, but it's impossible to win an argument with a stupid person or a woman.
11 Being married means getting fucked daily without having any sex.
12 Chivalry means you hold the door for her before you throw her on the bed and fuck her right in the pussy.
13 Love is the key to happiness, and I love a blow job and a beer.
14 The cheapest way to get a little pussy is to adopt a cat.
15 Don't assume that every time a woman yawns she wants you to stick your dick in her mouth.
16 When you feel bad about never having been a great athlete, remember that Bruce Jenner won the Olympic gold medal in 1976.
17 We know that beer contains female hormones because after you drink enough you can't drive or shut the fuck up.
18 When the hostess of a party says, "Thanks for coming," it is inappropriate to reply, "Thanks for swallowing."
19 When your girlfriend asks you to show more interest in her family, don't fuck her sister.
20 When you feel embarrassed that you can't remember the name of the bitch you woke up with in bed, consider the fact that she's hoping that you don't remember her name or phone number.
21 You should respect all women, even if they're fat or ugly. You won't want to fuck them, but they can still make you a sandwich.
22 Beer never told me to get a job, mow the lawn or stop sleeping around.
23 When you want to feel better about yourself, put a "Honk if you think I'm sexy" bumper sticker on your car and wait at green lights.
24 It doesn't matter if you think the glass is half full or half empty. What matters is who's been drinking your beer.
25 The best way to save a woman from choking is to pull your dick out of her throat.
26 If beer and boobs aren't the answer, you're asking the wrong question.
27 When everything is coming your way, you're driving the wrong way on the expressway.
28 It is better to have loved and lost than to live with a psycho for the rest of your life.
29 The one thing that will always stick up for you is your middle finger.
30 A woman can't remember where she put her keys or cell phone but she can remember what you said three years ago.
31 You will feel better about yourself in Walmart than in the gym.
32 If every woman in the place refuses to motorboat you, you're not in a strip club. You're in church.