OT: Life Changes

Find a good career counselor. I have a friend of whom you remind me. This man at age 24 had a college degree, had worked with a golf course designer, had assisted in the construction of two golf courses, had access to a great deal of "family" money, but really disliked what he was doing. His golf game was good, but not good enough to go pro. His family owned a large cab company and he came home, drove a cab for awhile, got to know the business which he kind of enjoyed, but it didn't fit his family's image of what his career should be. His love was to be "hands on" whether driving a cab or running a backhoe while building a golf course. His family's expectation was white collar; his inclination was blue collar. Interestingly he ended up as a teacher of special needs students and incorporated a lot of activity and projects into his instruction and was very successful, had family acceptance and a job which he found rewarding.

Gawker

My family has forced me to go to career counselors, psychologists, psychiatrists, inpatient and outpatient treatment, etc. Point in case - i think i have exhausted the external support systems that are in place helping one to find a "career."

Personally, I think its somewhat idiotic that I still have to jump through hoops for my father. There is more than enough money available that I would be unable to spend it all even if I tried my absolute hardest. I went to rehab for 27 months to humor my father. I went to college and grad school to humor him as well. Now I must have a job, when I do not even need the money? I do not understand the logic.

I hope he does not continue to fuck me through his will after he passes, but at this rate I can only assume his estate attorneys will continue to sodomize me long after hes dead.

@toomuchcover

sigh

I go through this idiocy with a few posters every time. What inconsistencies? Its difficult for me to be inconsistent when I am detailing my life. Feel free to list anything I have ever said that contradicts itself and I'd be happy to clarify. Just because you struggle to believe it, doesn't make it untrue. There are people from all different walks of life on the internet.

also, I have no idea what your second point even meant.

Another friend of mine came from what I'd call upper middle class - well off but not rich. He attended a major university on an athletic scholarship, got out and flirted with professional athletics, but never quite made it (played 5 NFL games during the Player's strike). He became a substitute teacher, worked nights on earning his MBA, taught and coached for 5 or 6 years and then was accepted into the FBI Academy. He became the Special Agent in Charge of a large metropolitan FBI office and loved every minute of it. My point is that career choice and decision is frequently not a conscious decision, but in reality is determined by happenstance. Being in a given place at a given time rather than pursuing a given pathway. The US Dept of Labor projects that the average HS grad in the class of 2000 will have five different careers in his or her lifetime - different CAREERS; not different jobs. I'm available at a rate of $1,000 per day plus travel expenses if you'd like me to come to FL for further consultation. Feel free to PM me.

In case you guys missed it...LMN exposed...

youtube.com

@ gawker

for $1,000/day you better have big tits and know how to deepthroat.

@ Bullwinkle

On the topic of nurture...while I do not blame my parents, I essentially had none growing up. My family money comes from my grandfather's patent on some very important medical technology. My father took that and the massive money it yielded and spent the bulk of his 30s and 40s building his gigantic company and his corresponding net worth. In his late 40s, he was reaping the benefits of his success but it also had some down sides. He had numerous, obvious affairs which caused a pretty nasty divorce. My mother got basically nothing thanks to the pre-nup, but she ended up remarrying a guy whose grandfather invented something that we use everyday. Point in case, shes set.

i initially was in a very prestigious private school in New England. living with my mom and her new husband. I got kicked out at age 13 for repeatedly getting caught on campus with drugs (mostly just pot and pills). Then I was sent to live with my dad in Miami.

My father started expanding the company overseas when I was a teenager and so from the age 13-18, I lived with my father, but he was in Asia and South America probably 3 weeks out of every month non stop. I tried cocaine for the first time when I was 13 or 14, tried heroin for the first time when i was 15, etc. The 8 figure beach front property we lived in basically become a flop house for myself and all my drug addled private school friends.

My father got involved in my life for the first time when I was 17 years old and one of my friends overdosed and went into cardiac arrest at his house. By "involved" I mean I was shipped off to a rehab center on the West Coast for a while. I came back to prep school to finish my senior year. I had atrocious grades as I spent the last 4 years stoned out of my mind but my father made a donation to the ivy league school he went to and sent me over there. Spent the next 6 years (4 of college, 2 of grad school) back in the North East, alternating between skipping class, getting high, getting arrested by campus police, my father making a donation or an appearance to get me out of trouble, repeat.

Haven't spoke to my mother in a few years.

So nurture? Dont know it.

I have no idea if the OP is truly recounting his life experiences. I do agree with the advice given by both Bullwinkle and gawker. People who earn their own money doing something legal have the right to spend it as they see fit. Those that inherit money often have a difficult time understanding the value of money and more importantly, the value of personal achievement. That achievement can be monetary success or impacting the lives of others in a positive way.

I knew a guy that came from a wealthy family that was successful in a completely different business area than his family. He never used any family money or connections to start his business or make it grow. I played golf with his father several years after he started his business and his father talked about how proud he was that his son had been so successful and had refused any of his offers for help early on. When I asked him about it, my friend told me that he never wanted his greatest achievement to be being born. I think that the OP may be in a situation where he hasn't accomplished anything in his life that he is proud of, and until he does, he will continue to lead this self destructive life.

My advice to the OP is to go out and have a positive impact on others. Volunteer for something. Help build a Habitat for humanity house (they take people with no experience). See how others live in the real world. Even if you are not making a ton of money, that satisfaction of making a positive difference in the world may provide you with self pride and satisfaction. I bet your family would be proud and still support you if you were doing something they could tell their friends about that wasn't edited to sound better than it really is. Good luck.

Just like others have stated. You have a sense of "entitlement" that you don't have to work and can live off your fathers coattails. THAT IS WHAT YOUR FATHER DOESN"T WANT!!! That is why you are jumping through hoops for him.

If you really want to change. You will take these next 5 month and figure something out.

In other threads people said volunteer...then you went off on why should someone with money give back. It is a way to find yourself is why. You never know u might find a Career or something you like doing. You don't have to give money. give your time. If you are athletic... Volunteer coach... If you are artistic... Volunteer to teach art.... If you are musical talented.... Volunteer to play music or sing. If you can build something... Volunteer for habitat for humanity. Or just go and volunteer at a hospital reading or something. You might get some connections to help you figure out what you want to do for a Career. It might not be what you were volunteering to do but you can meet others who can open your mind to new things.

But step # 1 IMHO... Get the idea of the entitlement out of your head. Figure you have to earn your money. Even the trust money.

@bullwinkle

I have a girlfriend. She is actually from a similar family situation. But she mostly lives in Venezuela, which is how I am able to so frequently spend time with strippers. Unfortunately, lately, she is so high on cocaine all the time that the last time we got into an argument she literally tried to stab me with a steak knife.

FYI

I struggle with the concept that because I was born wealthy I have an obligation to give away my money to other people or give of my time. Thats a really odd, nonsensical belief that so many people just seem to blindly accept. If I am going to piss away money, its going to be on something for myself that I enjoy - like a car or drugs or pussy - then on some nameless, faceless, "less fortunate" people. Sorry that isn't the most politically correct thing but its the truth.

My deepest fear is that after my father dies, he will put some clause in his will that I cannot assume his estate without some ridiculous contingency. The career in private equity seemed to make him happy but I just fucking hated it so much I couldn't keep up the charade. I'm an only child and my father isn't remarried so I need to maintain some sort of career he approves of. That is my issue. I just have no fucking idea what I can tolerate to do day in and day out. I want to blow my brains out when I am part of the rat race.

The operative word here is "get".

Oh surprise, when someone cannot relate or disagrees with my POV they resort to saying I'm a troll. Give me a break.

While I appreciated everything you said, Bullwinkle, I don't agree with it all. Doesn't make me a troll.

Hopefully I'll have more intelligent responses when I check this thread again.

@LMN.... "I struggle with the concept that because I was born wealthy I have an obligation to give away my money to other people or give of my time. Thats a really odd, nonsensical belief that so many people just seem to blindly accept. If I am going to piss away money, its going to be on something for myself that I enjoy - like a car or drugs or pussy - then on some nameless, faceless, "less fortunate" people. Sorry that isn't the most politically correct thing but its the truth"

Right there is a major issue with you. It is all about you and nobody else. That is why you cant find happiness. You step on anyone or anyone because it is all about you. Let me put it this way...if you have a child or someone you truly love....is it about them or you?? Think about that...think about that really hard.

@LMN...."My deepest fear is that after my father dies, he will put some clause in his will that I cannot assume his estate without some ridiculous contingency"

Again this is that fucking "entitlement" feeling. It isn't your fucking money. It is your dad's. If he wants to give it to the red cross or something it is his choice. NOT YOURS. If he wants you to understand work ethic or some other thing in his mind... IT IS HIS FUCKING CHOICE.

You have to get that through your thick fucking skull. So when people give you some sound advice which they have here on this thread. You re not listening.

I hope insulting you a little it will stick. Because I will tell you one thing. You were the fucking asshole brat who I kicked the shit out all the time because they felt entitled for something. If it was because their father was a good athlete and they should make the team... I beat them out by working harder than them....or student that they should have things handed to them because his father was on the board of director... I studied harder and got better grades. Of the asshole in the bar who thinks his money talks and that he can be disrespectful to staff and other patrons....he would meet me outside. I have does this to many people and in many places. So don't think that this wouldn't fly in your neck of the woods if I was around. You would have my boot in your ass. it is pricks like you who pushed me to make me the man I am today. So get off your fucking high horse. get your hands in the mud and stop living off of your family name. You might get some real friends and get a real relationship that is meaningful.

Now I know you will go off on me because that is who you are. But think about it. maybe that is why you are in the situation you are in.

Some good posts from some smart and experienced folks.

I’m not as smart or experienced – so my 1 cent is that many people choose a particular career for the wrong reason(s) (e.g. money; prestige; etc) – and their chosen career is probably not a good fit w/ their natural abilities/gifts so they either dislike their job very much and/or are not as good at it as if they have chosen something more suitable to their skills/talent.

There have also been many successful people whom were utter failures at earlier points in their lives until they found their calling or niche.

Hopefully you can find a line of work that you are good enough at w/o it being too overwhelming.

LMN, I know you'll never understand any of this, but you asked for some advice, so let's just hope you listen to somebody.

You said " my parents, I essentially had none growing up.."

Exactly. And you spend the rest of your life suppressing the pain of being parentless by taking drugs and feeling entitled because you think they abandoned you and fucked you over, so you're entitled to fuck them back.

You have a choice. Either die from an overdose, or become a man and take control of your life. Because right now you're a fucking 6 year old entitled brat who thinks the world owes you something because your childhood sucked.

BWAHHH !!!! Stop fucking crying like a little child and DO SOMETHING !!! If you were a man you'd tell your father "Dad, thanks for all you and your Dad have done to provide $$ for me, but as of today I'm taking control of my life and I'm starting from scratch, getting a job, and becoming a man. I don't need your money anymore".

NOBODY GIVES A FUCK IF YOU GIVE "YOUR" MONEY TO OTHERS !!!! What will help you, however, is if you become a man and become self sufficient where you don't need anyone else's money.

Now, you can call people trolls and names and get pissed, but if you really want to fix your life, I and others have just given you what you need to do it.

So either decide to become a man, get off the fucking drugs, forgive everyone who has hurt you, and become self sufficient. Until you can do that, you'll live the rest of your life like a spoiled little 6 year old brat, and die in a drug-induced coma. It's your choice.

LMN: As we've already well established you're a sociopath ("a lack of empathy, emotions, or ability to identify with others coupled with a superficial charm, persuasiveness, focus, and egomania") and therefore unlikely to ever change from that mindset, it may be best to find a job more suited for your personality.

theblaze.com

You know, going to something like a culinary school for a few years would probably keep your Dad off your back, and you may outlive him before you actually have to do any real work.

On another note, I find it hysterical that someone who can actually compose an entertaining post and actually answers hostile replies with something besides "Fuck you faggot" is called a troll, while the actual trolls are constantly celebrated and encouraged on this site. Let's face it, a walk through the ocean of most souls on this site would scarcely get one's feet wet.

CP

(And it's "case in point," not "point in case." Sorry for the grammar police tidbit.)

@LMN your dad is requiring that you have a job and career because he is trying to teach you how to be responsible. You know, a grown up who can live on his own without the need for family money. Somebody who can set a budget and live within it, just like the rest of us do. This doesn't mean that he doesn't want you to have access to family money, it just means that he wants you to be a responsible adult, which is something you've repeatedly shown that you are not, both here on this board, and I'm sure in real life.

So, with that out of the way, what do you really want to do next? It's not about what you're going to do for the rest of your life, it's about what you're going to do for the next 5-10+ years.

Having a career used to mean you did one thing until you retired, but in this day and age, that's not the case any more. I'm on my 4th career right now. I'll do it until I get tired of it, and then go do something else, just like I did on my previous careers.

My previous careers were things that I was interested in, but after I had been doing them for a while, felt that I had done what I had set out to do, and so moved on to doing something else.

In your case, it sounds like private equity isn't your cup of tea, so besides doing drugs and partying hard, what else are you interested in trying? If you don't know the answer to that, then if I where you, I would make figuring that out a priority.

Surely you have other things you want to do or at least try.

Personally I would use this as an opportunity to reset and re-baseline your life. Simplify down to the basics, set a realistic budget, and try live within it. Get a job you're interested in doing and go with that. If it turns out that after a while the job isn't for you, it's not the end of the world, just move on to the next thing that you find interesting.

Having your talk with your dad was good. He saw that you weren't happy with where you were at, and so gave you a breather to get on to the next thing in your life. That's what any reasonable dad would do.

@LMN - your life experience is actually fairly common for those living in your circumstances. I know and work with dozens in your situation.

It seems you want some advice of what to do next to 1) actually be happy and 2) satisfy your father by the end of this year.

My advice is to make a list of what interests you and then draw from that list to start a business that actually has some chance at success. You have a lot of resources from a business standpoint. Creating a business and being your own boss can be very rewarding....drop me a PM if you want more specifics....

@LMN- This book has been highly recommended for decades:

amazon.com

"In today's challenging job-market, the long-trusted guidance of What Color Is Your Parachute? is needed more than ever. Published in 22 languages and 26 countries, and with over 10 million copies sold, What Color is Your Parachute? has helped millions discover their unique gifts, skills, and interests and land a job--even in hard times."

"This 2014 edition of “[one of] the 100 best and most influential [nonfiction books] written in English since 1923,” according to TIME.com, is refreshed with up-to-the-minute statistics, job-field analyses, and advice on social media and search tactics (including Facebook, LinkedIn, Twitter, Skype, Yelp, and YouTube). However, Parachute’s core message remains intact: WHAT, WHERE, and HOW."

What do you most love to do? Where do you most love to do it? How do you find such a job and persuade those employers to hire you?

I'm pulling for you.

Almost seems like LMN's lifestyle is an attempt to destroy the money because it is symbolic of his distant father. Also the self-destructiveness is something along similar lines and a cry for his father to take notice.

I think the bigger issue here is first trying to fix the relationship with his father. Hopefully that's possible. Probably if that were to occur the decision about career would just fall into place. It's like LMN is rightfully just trying to prioritize things in the meantime - what difference does career make when there is the bigger huger problem staring him right in the face.

@LMN: Has your father been to the shrink with you? Does he understand his role in all this and the role he would need to play in your life beyond just writing a check? If that's all he'll ever be, it's a much harder problem. I knew one girl with similar problems, and part of the solution was completely cutting her mother out of her life. Not a word of contact for the rest of her life no matter how she cried and screamed. I don't know the theory beyond and haven't talk with her in a few years to see how it worked out.

Take the next month and read the collected works of Albert Camus, Jean-Paul Sarte, and Kierkagard. If you don't intentionally OD or drive your Porsche into a bridge abutment at 120 mph, then you will be able to face life on your terms.

On another note my ATF who has been a constant in my life for over 5 years is in week three of rehab and just signed up for 6 months at a sober house. She's lonely, broke and feeling badly for herself. She calls me daily and calls her 8 year old son daily. I wrote her a lengthy letter the other day with lots of advice (which she asked for) and while I readily admit having feelings for her, I know that I don't love her. I love what she does for me and I said to her:" when we started seeing each other outside the club, you stated daily that ours was just a business transaction. In a business transaction I constantly ask, 'What's in it for me?'. Now that she needs a carton of cigarettes weekly, and 2 rolls of quarters every week for phone calls, I no longer ask what's in it for me. Instead I'm asking what's in it for her?" I no longer expect her to "pay me back" but instead will get my payoff if she's successful in her quest for a sober life.

If I am able to meet her from time to time while in the sober house I'll want to fuck her till the cows come home, but one doesn't lead to the other. Separate issues. Think about it.

Thanks for the helpful feedback. I'd like to say it will make a difference but the truth is I have heard the same from therapists since I was 13.

I have often been asked "what do I like to do" - and the answer is not much. I find life mostly pretty dull and boring. That's why I like doing drugs, it's an intermission of light between the grey dull drums that make up our day to day. Even sex is boring. So I fuck strippers. Then that's boring so I fuck strippers who like to be hit, choked, gagged, etc.

In prep school, I actually used to sell coke. How fucked is that? I don't even know why I did it, it's certainly not like I needed the money. I'd drive around in the Mercedes my father bought me selling coke to all the prep school kids.

@ Dougster

You asked a good question about therapy with my dad. No, he's never participated. Nor would he be open to it. Nor would i, really. I used to go to therapy a lot with my mother (we had our own issues). After a while I just figured "fuck it" and stopped. As I mentioned, I haven't even spoke to her in a few years. Her entire life is living off rich men. She reminds me of the sycophant strippers I fuck.

@LMN: I still think fixing the relationship with your father is the best path. How about working for him as means to kill two birds with one stone?

@dougster

I'd need a specific post graduate degree (not the one I have) to work in his business. He had wanted me to do that, and really encouraged me to, but I ended up pursuing degrees in the field of finance. Truthfully I think I just did that to spite him.

Hey man, it's ok to be in that shit.

Do not force yourself to change.

Change will come to you later when the time is right.

Right now, just keep doing what you are doing.

You are just in the twenties.

When I was in my twenties, I was having the fun of my life. My GF was so upset about it she wanted to put chains on me so I could change for the better.

Better for what?

Ask yourself this question.

There is no better situation than what you have now.

@LMN: from the brief information you've mentioned it sounds you may be in a bit of luck. It does sounds like your father does care about you. Maybe was just clueless as to how his distance from your life affected you? That could be due to many things, as I'm sure you've discussed with your therapist. I also suspect your own behavior might have contributed to the distance, although the parent is most likely primarily responsible. I really thinks that repairing the relationship with him is going to be the better path, than totally cutting ties and starting from scratch as others have suggested. I'd say try and find a way to do that.

If he just doesn't want involvement with you beyond an occasional visit and writing a check I don't know what you would do, but I think those measures should be an extreme ultra-last ditch resort. I'm sure with a little imagination you can come up with something (move closer to Aspen - be away from people other than family and close friends as opposed to strangers and people at parties and in nature with time to reflect likely won't hurt. Although I'm sure slowing down from your current lifestyle is going to be dang near impossible if there continues to be nothing to fill the void.)

Good luck no matter what path you choose!

So when I'm desperately seeking the approval of strangers on the internet is that related to my daddy issues?

"That's why I like doing drugs, it's an intermission of light between the grey dull drums that make up our day to day."

Bullshit. That's an excuse. There are millions of people on this planet with "boring lives", and they don't fuck themselves up with drugs. They decide to so something useful instead of sit around and be bored.

Decide to do something useful. IT DOESN'T MATTER IF NOTHING INTERESTS YOU, JUST FUCKING DO SOMETHING !!! Something challenging, something that makes the world a better place, something that takes your mind off YOURSELF and focuses on OTHERS.

I had to make a decision in college what I wanted to do with my life and what career path I wanted to make. I wasn't sure either. They had some test to help you find out what you were good at and where your interest lie at and what type of personality you are and what type of careers might be suited to you. At one time I thought about going into meteorology. Then I thought they don't make much and I might be working out in the boon docks collecting data or have to wear a suit and tie everyday and be seen on tv. Neither choice sounded appealing.

Another idea I had was to work at NASA. Then I found out government jobs didn't pay as good as civilian jobs, in many cases. The space shuttle blowing up and government cut backs to the space program made that look like a dead end. At another point I thought about becoming a professional race car driver. I thought I could drive pretty good. Driving fast didn't bother me. I knew someone in High School who pursued racing and found out later he became a teacher for Nascar racing. However I went on a Nascar simulator ride at Carowinds one time and that made me change my mind. I thought this seems like driving in heavy traffic going around in circles. How much fun is that?

At another time I thought about becoming a professional Astronomer and possibly studying astrophysics. I knew one guy who was studying astrophysics in college. I ended up choosing something a bit more broader but technical.

Your biggest challenge is determining what motivates you and what interests you have that may line up with being acceptable. That is with a job or career that is interesting for someone. For most people, making money is motivation by itself to excel. For others, money is just gravy. I heard a few people actually enjoy their jobs and for them it is not a job, it is fun or a learning process. The only person I ever met who was enjoying his job got a new job running a computer network who happened to be on call for any repairs. He killed time in between repairs by playing all sorts of online games.

I applied for jobs ranging from stock broker to the FBI after I graduated from college in the middle of a recession.

Maybe I should take that back about working in a job you enjoy. I believe I have some relatives who excel at their jobs so they must not mind it that much. I'm not sure about enjoying it but maybe they do. They are quite smart. One of my nieces won a national science award.

Then I have some relatives who I believe are choosing the career path of professional bums. They take after their lazy mother, not related to me, who never did hardly a day of work in her life. They are all struggling with money now as a result.

Join the Peace Corps. Fuck a hippie chick with hairy pits. Drink some Ayshuasca.

Or you can go to Home Depot, buy a rope, and hang herself.

Why don't you move to Washington or Colorado and open a business selling pot. That way you can meet your dad's demand and be doing what you love -- drugs and strippers.

@LMN I'll let you in on a little secret. Life isn't dull and boring if you're doing something you like to do and you're getting paid to do it. From there, it's a simple matter of living within your means.

You say there's not much you like or are interested in doing. Dude. You're a youngster. You don't really know what you like because you're not old enough to have actually experienced much. As others have said, sometimes you need to pick something and just start doing it. You'll know soon enough whether you like doing it. You may surprise yourself and make some discoveries about what you like and don't like, but unless you take that first step of getting out of neutral, you won't find any of that out.

This isn't rocket science, it's simple application of trying things to see what you like and don't like, however you need to be willing to actually try things. Step outside of your comfort zone for once and try some new.