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self destruction: coming to terms

LMN

Saturday night I thought I was going to have a heart attack. It felt this painful tightness in my chest and severe pounding in my head behind my eyes. I couldn't breathe. My nose was gushing blood. I was stumbling around my bathroom, blood pouring all over the white marble, all over my towels, my clothes. I ended up lying on the floor until it passed. This is the second time this has happened recently.

People at work seem to know something is wrong. I'm not sure how much more I can show up hungover with bloodshot eyes probably stinking of weed and liquor. Eventually someone is going to say something.

I think my parents know what's going on. My mother came to the country for the first time in a couple years and kept calling and texting me profusely. Rare behavior on her part unless she suspects I'm doing a lot of drugs.

I don't know what the next move is. Life is just a terminal illness anyway I guess.