Cheating

Probably extras is worse because you might end up giving your wife stds or having to pay for an abortion. Emotional, you just need the mental toughness to purge it from your head.

In terms of morality?

I actually think getting into an emotional affair is worse because it essentially means you have stopped loving your spouse. I feel that getting extras is not as bad because you are really just satisfying an urge or desire.

In terms of health, then yes getting extras is worse (though I suppose it depends on the extent of said extras).

They are both bad.

Neither one of them is bad, in and of itself. Breaking promises is the bad part. If those things result in broken promises, then they're bad. If not, then they aren't.

@gmd - I guess that's why I posed the question. In my case, I did fall in love with a co-worker and honestly felt guilty like I had cheated on my wife even though there was never anything physical involved.

Because of my upbringing I have always felt a little "naughty" at the strip club, but never really guilty. My extras have never been expected or over the top - just fun. And I get to go home to my wife with a mostly clear conscience.

@jay - I'm probably just rationalizing the guilt away - but most of the time, the wife knows exactly where I'm going and I can honsetly say she really is fine with it.

An "emotional affair" is a term invented by women. Most times it's just a friendship that a husband has with a female .. At worst, it's a crush that doesn't get acted upon sexually .. There cannot be cheating without physical contact .. period.

Extras at a strip club would be cheating .. because there there is sex .. even though most times it's just not that good because of the lack of emotional connection.

An emotional affair is unacceptable if you are married.

If youre spouse knows you are engaging in extras at a club, then fine. At least he or she is kept abreast of the situation and can take it or leave it. If you are engaging in extras and your spouse has no clue, thats just slimey.

Some people's definitions of extras are not sex in my opinion. Some females define cheating different as well. As a guy I used to think it simply meant the guy was sleeping with another girl. I know some girls define cheating as simply having a relationship that crossed the line. You have to know the female to know where the line is. If she is ok with you having relationships with other females, is it really cheating? Some do not think so. So IMO, the act of cheating can be defined by the two married. If both know what each other is doing and are ok with it, then they might not think they are cheating even if they are both sleeping with others. my opinion.

I have to agree with donnied. Emotional affair is "terminology" you hear on Lifetime or OWN. Flirting or fantisizing about women other than your wife is completely normal for a heterosexual male and is not cheating if you don't act on it. If you are in Cancun with your wife and see a hot young thing in a thong bikini, are you supposed to pretend she doesn't even exist? Are you supposed to castrate yourself because you might get a little aroused? Hell no.

It's not cheating if you don't get caught.

I don't know what an emotional affair is, like others have said sounds made up.

Now if we're talking about two sexual relationships one with emotional involvement and the other purely physical I think the former is much worse.

That said I would certainly be disappointed if my partner was engaging in a purely physical relationship, so I'm not hypocritical enough to say it's okay.

But still I'd be more likely to overcome the fact that my (hypothetical) wife had fucked some guy on a weekend trip to Vegas than I would if she engaged in a romantic and extended relationship with someone.

"An "emotional affair" is a term invented by women"

Oh really? I'm a woman and I have NO idea what an "emotional affair" is.

It's not cheating if...

youtube.com

I've never understood this "emotional affair" thing. If a man is emotionally close to a woman who is not his wife, but they never cross the physical line, how is that cheating??? I think women just made that up because they feel that they should be the only woman their man confides in or shares with emotionally. The real issue is that if you actually fall in love with another woman, it becomes much more likely that you WILL cross the line physically.

As for SC extras, I think that's just flat out cheating. Hell, a lap dance without extras is probably cheating.

But at the end of the day, I agree with sharkhunter: the two people in the marriage need to decide for themselves what is and isn't out of bounds for their relationship - regardless of what other couples might decide. Then if you go outside of those boundaries, you know you're cheating.

Okay for all you people wondering, I have had an emotional affair before and it sucks. Its unacceptable. It doesnt mean you fantasize about other people or youre just friends with the opposite sex.

A long long time ago I was in a great relationship. I loved the person. Things were great. There was a problem though- I was also in love with someone else. I never had anything physical going on with the "other person". It was a pure emotional attachment that i couldn't get away from. I fantasized about this person, not sex, but long walks on the beach and crap. It was pathetic because I knew it could never work out between us. Eventually my emotional attachment started to get between me and my " real" relationship. I pulled away emotionally from my "real" relationship because I was getting my emotional needs met by this other man who I wanted and was in contact with.

It was stupid. I should have cut off contact with this other guy the minute I knew I was falling im love with him. He could never give me what my SO was giving me, but my mind was always with him.

Thanks for your unique perspective. Now I can understand better from the dancer friend's perspective. That there is something of an emotional need.

Sex is a physical need although it has emotional overtones for some, but not all, people. Some people need more sex (or more adventurous sex!) than their partners need or than their partners provide in a relationship. I maintain that it is still possible to love your SO and remain emotionally committed to your SO even if you meet some of your sexual needs outside the relationship.

Think of the parallels with other biological needs--- people differ in how much and what kind of food that they need and want. Is it possible to still love your partner even if you have friends other than your partner with whom you share an occasional meal--- of course. So why should sex fall into a different category than other biological needs such as food, sleep, exercise? I think that a more serious relationship threat occurs when you start seeing the same person (other than your SO) for sex (or food or exercise, etc.) and you begin to establish an emotional attachment that undermines your commitment to your spouse. But this perspective depends on your ability to detach casual sex (the biological needs aspect) from the emotional bonding aspect of sex.

"The only way to get rid of temptation is to yield to it." --Oscar Wilde

"An "emotional affair" is a term invented by women"

Oh really? I'm a woman and I have NO idea what an "emotional affair" is.

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lopaw, that's why you're one of my favorite posters here! great!

steve229,

..and

"I can resist everything except temptation" --Oscar Wilde

The guy seemed to be tempted alot. LOL

"No person shall be held to answer for a capital, or otherwise infamous crime, unless on a presentment or indictment of a Grand Jury, except in cases arising in the land or naval forces, or in the Militia, when in actual service in time of War or public danger; nor shall any person be subject for the same offense to be twice put in jeopardy of life or limb; nor shall be compelled in any criminal case to be a witness against himself, nor be deprived of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor shall private property be taken for public use, without just compensation."

That said, I'll plead the 5th!

If done without a SO's consent and they find out, both are egregiously bad. Its like the difference between murdering someone with a gun or knife. End result is the same, just slightly different tools used.

Both are CHEATING!!!!! IMHO.

It's only "cheating" if you're breaking a promise.

Stilleto- This is why we love you. You're wise beyond your years.

Is there not a PROMISE made when two people marry???

Or is the whole marriage ceremony a SHAM!!!

@stilleto - thanks for defining the emotional affair - that is exactly it.

@samurai - great response.

I also agree that there is a huge difference between scratching a physical itch and an emotional one. If a lap dance is cheating then so is checking out internet porn. I know there are some who believe that too - but I just don't.

"Is there not a PROMISE made when two people marry???"

Most of the time. The nature of any given couple's vows are up to them, and may not be the same as another couple's. If you're assuming that all such vows are the same, that would be what most people call and "unwarranted" assumption.