An Homage to Carnac the Magnificent
motorhead
Fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life
For our older ladies and gentlemen.
"I hold in my hand the envelopes. As a child of four can plainly see, these envelopes have been hermetically sealed. They've been kept in a #2 mayonnaise jar on Funk and Wagnall's porch since noon today. No one knows the contents of these envelopes, but you, in your borderline divine and mystical way, will ascertain the answers having never before seen the questions."
Strip club version:
Ed: Up the ass
Carnac: How does a proctologist make his living?
Ed: Just shut up and suck
Carnac: what do you say to your whiny wife when you run out of gas?
Ed: K-Y jelly. A rubber. And $200
Carnac: Name two things a baseball pitcher uses and the cost of a ticket to Orlando.
Ed: I don't do this for anyone else
Carnac: what your neighbor says when he mows yor lawn
Ed: Not in the mouth, please
Carnac: What Chuck Wepner said to Ali
Ed: That's the biggest cock I've ever seen
Carnac: What the 4H fair judge said to the blue ribbon winner
Ed: Thirty dollars or five for $100
Carnac: The price of Pizza Hut's new 24" pizza
Ed: 2 AM
Carnac: The time farmerart has to get out of bed to fix the leaking hydraulic valve
Ed: A beaver. A pussy. And a dick.
Carnac: Name two furry animals and the only president to resign from office
Ed: plz cum c me
Carnac: Today's launch code at Minot AFB
Ed: DJ, Dancer, and Bathroom Troll
Carnac: Name an 80's sitcom character, one of Santa's reindeer, and a monster who hates bridges
"I hold in my hand the envelopes. As a child of four can plainly see, these envelopes have been hermetically sealed. They've been kept in a #2 mayonnaise jar on Funk and Wagnall's porch since noon today. No one knows the contents of these envelopes, but you, in your borderline divine and mystical way, will ascertain the answers having never before seen the questions."
Strip club version:
Ed: Up the ass
Carnac: How does a proctologist make his living?
Ed: Just shut up and suck
Carnac: what do you say to your whiny wife when you run out of gas?
Ed: K-Y jelly. A rubber. And $200
Carnac: Name two things a baseball pitcher uses and the cost of a ticket to Orlando.
Ed: I don't do this for anyone else
Carnac: what your neighbor says when he mows yor lawn
Ed: Not in the mouth, please
Carnac: What Chuck Wepner said to Ali
Ed: That's the biggest cock I've ever seen
Carnac: What the 4H fair judge said to the blue ribbon winner
Ed: Thirty dollars or five for $100
Carnac: The price of Pizza Hut's new 24" pizza
Ed: 2 AM
Carnac: The time farmerart has to get out of bed to fix the leaking hydraulic valve
Ed: A beaver. A pussy. And a dick.
Carnac: Name two furry animals and the only president to resign from office
Ed: plz cum c me
Carnac: Today's launch code at Minot AFB
Ed: DJ, Dancer, and Bathroom Troll
Carnac: Name an 80's sitcom character, one of Santa's reindeer, and a monster who hates bridges
19 comments
Actually, I wonder how many on here have no idea where that routine comes from.
Such as: "May your favorite sister be named 'NFL Sack-of-the-Week'."
Probably 99%.
@motorhead,
2 AM: the last time that I had to get up at that hour for an emergency was last week - diesel generator crapped out and the entire camp woke up freezing and bitchy with no power. However, most of my computer number crunching is done at that hour - easier access to the super computer centres in Calgary or Houston in the middle of the night.
Many late night hosts have tried to emulate his schtick--none even come close.
Allen and Parr are a bit before my time as late night hosts, but Steve Allen always was funny as a guest on talk shows.
Steve Allen started The Tonight show in 1954. I don't recall ever seeing him, but since he was on till the later '50's< likely did. I do remember seeing Parr. NO ONE, and I mean NO ONE has ever even come close to Johnny, Ed, and Doc. Oh, and who can forget Carol!
Carnac: What are two big hits, two big mitts and a country western singer?
In college, I had a professor who wrote Carnac questions as part of some of his exams--meaing he gave an answer, and students had to provide the question.
Just two years ago, I saw a pops concert of the Seattle Symphony. Doc Severinsen was the guest conductor, and guest soloist. He can still play a great trumpet at age 85!