An Homage to Carnac the Magnificent

avatar for motorhead
motorhead
Fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life
For our older ladies and gentlemen.

"I hold in my hand the envelopes. As a child of four can plainly see, these envelopes have been hermetically sealed. They've been kept in a #2 mayonnaise jar on Funk and Wagnall's porch since noon today. No one knows the contents of these envelopes, but you, in your borderline divine and mystical way, will ascertain the answers having never before seen the questions."

Strip club version:


Ed: Up the ass
Carnac: How does a proctologist make his living?

Ed: Just shut up and suck
Carnac: what do you say to your whiny wife when you run out of gas?

Ed: K-Y jelly. A rubber. And $200
Carnac: Name two things a baseball pitcher uses and the cost of a ticket to Orlando.

Ed: I don't do this for anyone else
Carnac: what your neighbor says when he mows yor lawn

Ed: Not in the mouth, please
Carnac: What Chuck Wepner said to Ali

Ed: That's the biggest cock I've ever seen
Carnac: What the 4H fair judge said to the blue ribbon winner

Ed: Thirty dollars or five for $100
Carnac: The price of Pizza Hut's new 24" pizza

Ed: 2 AM
Carnac: The time farmerart has to get out of bed to fix the leaking hydraulic valve

Ed: A beaver. A pussy. And a dick.
Carnac: Name two furry animals and the only president to resign from office

Ed: plz cum c me
Carnac: Today's launch code at Minot AFB

Ed: DJ, Dancer, and Bathroom Troll
Carnac: Name an 80's sitcom character, one of Santa's reindeer, and a monster who hates bridges




19 comments

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avatar for dallas702
dallas702
13 years ago
I resemble that remark!!!

Actually, I wonder how many on here have no idea where that routine comes from.
avatar for mikeya02
mikeya02
13 years ago
Dont forget that Ed always repeated Carnacs answer before Carnac opened the envelope. Priceless!
avatar for Fenster
Fenster
13 years ago
The best part was the curse placed on the audience for cheering wildly when told that they're down to the last envelope.

Such as: "May your favorite sister be named 'NFL Sack-of-the-Week'."
avatar for magicrat
magicrat
13 years ago
Nobody still in Carson's league.
avatar for Alucard
Alucard
13 years ago
"Actually, I wonder how many on here have no idea where that routine comes from"

Probably 99%.
avatar for georgmicrodong
georgmicrodong
13 years ago
@magicrat: Even Carson's league is in a league of its own. :)
avatar for snowtime
snowtime
13 years ago
Plenty of us remember Carson and the routine. Good job Motorhead!
avatar for rh48hr
rh48hr
13 years ago
I remember it. I watched Carson all the time as a kid. Loved it!
avatar for farmerart
farmerart
13 years ago
The more posts like this that I read on tuscl, the more I realize how truly different my life has been. I have heard of Johnny Carson but I never saw his show (is he still alive?). Television reception was not available in the rural area where I grew up until the late 50s. I did not even own a television set during the 60s. 70s, and most of the 80s. I bought my first set in 1988 for the Calgary Winter Olympics when I was 39 years old.

@motorhead,

2 AM: the last time that I had to get up at that hour for an emergency was last week - diesel generator crapped out and the entire camp woke up freezing and bitchy with no power. However, most of my computer number crunching is done at that hour - easier access to the super computer centres in Calgary or Houston in the middle of the night.
avatar for Clubber
Clubber
13 years ago
Steve Allen? Jack Parr anyone?
avatar for DoctorDarby
DoctorDarby
13 years ago
"May the fleas from 1000 camels infest your shorts"
Many late night hosts have tried to emulate his schtick--none even come close.
Allen and Parr are a bit before my time as late night hosts, but Steve Allen always was funny as a guest on talk shows.
avatar for Clubber
Clubber
13 years ago
DD,

Steve Allen started The Tonight show in 1954. I don't recall ever seeing him, but since he was on till the later '50's< likely did. I do remember seeing Parr. NO ONE, and I mean NO ONE has ever even come close to Johnny, Ed, and Doc. Oh, and who can forget Carol!
avatar for Alucard
Alucard
13 years ago
The networks keep trying to NO Avail!
avatar for Jackmd
Jackmd
13 years ago
Watching Clubber and Alucard's pictures above are making me dizzy and sea-sick.
avatar for Alucard
Alucard
13 years ago
Well don't look at them!
avatar for Clubber
Clubber
13 years ago
His is disgusting!
avatar for ricksybaris
ricksybaris
13 years ago
Ed: triple and home run; catcher and first baseman gloves; Dolly Patron.
Carnac: What are two big hits, two big mitts and a country western singer?
avatar for Doc_Holliday
Doc_Holliday
13 years ago
Good one Lemmy!
avatar for Club_Goer_Seattle
Club_Goer_Seattle
13 years ago
Motor, a great contribution! How did I miss this thread at the time it came out? The Carnac routine was my favorite Johnny Carson skit. I even used the setting for it to dole out some jabs at a going away party on one job I had.

In college, I had a professor who wrote Carnac questions as part of some of his exams--meaing he gave an answer, and students had to provide the question.

Just two years ago, I saw a pops concert of the Seattle Symphony. Doc Severinsen was the guest conductor, and guest soloist. He can still play a great trumpet at age 85!
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