An Homage to Carnac the Magnificent
For our older ladies and gentlemen.
"I hold in my hand the envelopes. As a child of four can plainly see, these envelopes have been hermetically sealed. They've been kept in a #2 mayonnaise jar on Funk and Wagnall's porch since noon today. No one knows the contents of these envelopes, but you, in your borderline divine and mystical way, will ascertain the answers having never before seen the questions."
Strip club version:
Ed: Up the ass
Carnac: How does a proctologist make his living?
Ed: Just shut up and suck
Carnac: what do you say to your whiny wife when you run out of gas?
Ed: K-Y jelly. A rubber. And $200
Carnac: Name two things a baseball pitcher uses and the cost of a ticket to Orlando.
Ed: I don't do this for anyone else
Carnac: what your neighbor says when he mows yor lawn
Ed: Not in the mouth, please
Carnac: What Chuck Wepner said to Ali
Ed: That's the biggest cock I've ever seen
Carnac: What the 4H fair judge said to the blue ribbon winner
Ed: Thirty dollars or five for $100
Carnac: The price of Pizza Hut's new 24" pizza
Ed: 2 AM
Carnac: The time farmerart has to get out of bed to fix the leaking hydraulic valve
Ed: A beaver. A pussy. And a dick.
Carnac: Name two furry animals and the only president to resign from office
Ed: plz cum c me
Carnac: Today's launch code at Minot AFB
Ed: DJ, Dancer, and Bathroom Troll
Carnac: Name an 80's sitcom character, one of Santa's reindeer, and a monster who hates bridges
Comments
last commentI resemble that remark!!!
Actually, I wonder how many on here have no idea where that routine comes from.
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Dont forget that Ed always repeated Carnacs answer before Carnac opened the envelope. Priceless!
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The best part was the curse placed on the audience for cheering wildly when told that they're down to the last envelope.
Such as: "May your favorite sister be named 'NFL Sack-of-the-Week'."
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Nobody still in Carson's league.
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"Actually, I wonder how many on here have no idea where that routine comes from"
Probably 99%.
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@magicrat: Even Carson's league is in a league of its own. :)
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Plenty of us remember Carson and the routine. Good job Motorhead!
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I remember it. I watched Carson all the time as a kid. Loved it!
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The more posts like this that I read on tuscl, the more I realize how truly different my life has been. I have heard of Johnny Carson but I never saw his show (is he still alive?). Television reception was not available in the rural area where I grew up until the late 50s. I did not even own a television set during the 60s. 70s, and most of the 80s. I bought my first set in 1988 for the Calgary Winter Olympics when I was 39 years old.
@motorhead,
2 AM: the last time that I had to get up at that hour for an emergency was last week - diesel generator crapped out and the entire camp woke up freezing and bitchy with no power. However, most of my computer number crunching is done at that hour - easier access to the super computer centres in Calgary or Houston in the middle of the night.
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Steve Allen? Jack Parr anyone?
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"May the fleas from 1000 camels infest your shorts"
Many late night hosts have tried to emulate his schtick--none even come close.
Allen and Parr are a bit before my time as late night hosts, but Steve Allen always was funny as a guest on talk shows.
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DD,
Steve Allen started The Tonight show in 1954. I don't recall ever seeing him, but since he was on till the later '50's< likely did. I do remember seeing Parr. NO ONE, and I mean NO ONE has ever even come close to Johnny, Ed, and Doc. Oh, and who can forget Carol!
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The networks keep trying to NO Avail!
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Watching Clubber and Alucard's pictures above are making me dizzy and sea-sick.
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Well don't look at them!
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His is disgusting!
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Ed: triple and home run; catcher and first baseman gloves; Dolly Patron.
Carnac: What are two big hits, two big mitts and a country western singer?
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Good one Lemmy!
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Motor, a great contribution! How did I miss this thread at the time it came out? The Carnac routine was my favorite Johnny Carson skit. I even used the setting for it to dole out some jabs at a going away party on one job I had.
In college, I had a professor who wrote Carnac questions as part of some of his exams--meaing he gave an answer, and students had to provide the question.
Just two years ago, I saw a pops concert of the Seattle Symphony. Doc Severinsen was the guest conductor, and guest soloist. He can still play a great trumpet at age 85!
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