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An Homage to Carnac the Magnificent

Dec 12, 2011, 11:04 PM

Fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life

For our older ladies and gentlemen.

"I hold in my hand the envelopes. As a child of four can plainly see, these envelopes have been hermetically sealed. They've been kept in a #2 mayonnaise jar on Funk and Wagnall's porch since noon today. No one knows the contents of these envelopes, but you, in your borderline divine and mystical way, will ascertain the answers having never before seen the questions."

Strip club version:

Ed: Up the ass Carnac: How does a proctologist make his living?

Ed: Just shut up and suck Carnac: what do you say to your whiny wife when you run out of gas?

Ed: K-Y jelly. A rubber. And $200 Carnac: Name two things a baseball pitcher uses and the cost of a ticket to Orlando.

Ed: I don't do this for anyone else Carnac: what your neighbor says when he mows yor lawn

Ed: Not in the mouth, please Carnac: What Chuck Wepner said to Ali

Ed: That's the biggest cock I've ever seen Carnac: What the 4H fair judge said to the blue ribbon winner

Ed: Thirty dollars or five for $100 Carnac: The price of Pizza Hut's new 24" pizza

Ed: 2 AM Carnac: The time farmerart has to get out of bed to fix the leaking hydraulic valve

Ed: A beaver. A pussy. And a dick. Carnac: Name two furry animals and the only president to resign from office

Ed: plz cum c me Carnac: Today's launch code at Minot AFB

Ed: DJ, Dancer, and Bathroom Troll Carnac: Name an 80's sitcom character, one of Santa's reindeer, and a monster who hates bridges

comments (19)

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dallas70214 years ago

I resemble that remark!!!

Actually, I wonder how many on here have no idea where that routine comes from.

mikeya0214 years ago

Dont forget that Ed always repeated Carnacs answer before Carnac opened the envelope. Priceless!

Fenster14 years ago

The best part was the curse placed on the audience for cheering wildly when told that they're down to the last envelope.

Such as: "May your favorite sister be named 'NFL Sack-of-the-Week'."

magicrat14 years ago

Nobody still in Carson's league.

Alucard14 years ago

"Actually, I wonder how many on here have no idea where that routine comes from"

Probably 99%.

georgmicrodong14 years ago

@magicrat: Even Carson's league is in a league of its own. :)

snowtime14 years ago

Plenty of us remember Carson and the routine. Good job Motorhead!

rh48hr14 years ago

I remember it. I watched Carson all the time as a kid. Loved it!

farmerart14 years ago

The more posts like this that I read on tuscl, the more I realize how truly different my life has been. I have heard of Johnny Carson but I never saw his show (is he still alive?). Television reception was not available in the rural area where I grew up until the late 50s. I did not even own a television set during the 60s. 70s, and most of the 80s. I bought my first set in 1988 for the Calgary Winter Olympics when I was 39 years old.

@motorhead,

2 AM: the last time that I had to get up at that hour for an emergency was last week - diesel generator crapped out and the entire camp woke up freezing and bitchy with no power. However, most of my computer number crunching is done at that hour - easier access to the super computer centres in Calgary or Houston in the middle of the night.

Clubber14 years ago

Steve Allen? Jack Parr anyone?

DoctorDarby14 years ago

"May the fleas from 1000 camels infest your shorts" Many late night hosts have tried to emulate his schtick--none even come close. Allen and Parr are a bit before my time as late night hosts, but Steve Allen always was funny as a guest on talk shows.

Clubber14 years ago

DD,

Steve Allen started The Tonight show in 1954. I don't recall ever seeing him, but since he was on till the later '50's< likely did. I do remember seeing Parr. NO ONE, and I mean NO ONE has ever even come close to Johnny, Ed, and Doc. Oh, and who can forget Carol!

Alucard14 years ago

The networks keep trying to NO Avail!

Jackmd14 years ago

Watching Clubber and Alucard's pictures above are making me dizzy and sea-sick.

Alucard14 years ago

Well don't look at them!

Clubber14 years ago

His is disgusting!

ricksybaris14 years ago

Ed: triple and home run; catcher and first baseman gloves; Dolly Patron. Carnac: What are two big hits, two big mitts and a country western singer?

Doc_Holliday14 years ago

Good one Lemmy!

Club_Goer_Seattle14 years ago

Motor, a great contribution! How did I miss this thread at the time it came out? The Carnac routine was my favorite Johnny Carson skit. I even used the setting for it to dole out some jabs at a going away party on one job I had.

In college, I had a professor who wrote Carnac questions as part of some of his exams--meaing he gave an answer, and students had to provide the question.

Just two years ago, I saw a pops concert of the Seattle Symphony. Doc Severinsen was the guest conductor, and guest soloist. He can still play a great trumpet at age 85!