Dr. Ruth

Q: My fiance and I have been together for almost 10 years and have a very good relationship; we are getting married this year. We can talk about anything, and we are very open about our feelings regarding all aspects of our relationship. He finds me very attractive, mentally and physically, as I do him. We have a healthy sex life, and we are open to new things. But … I have a question about strippers. He rarely goes to the club. He has probably been fewer than 10 times the whole time we've been together, and it's always with friends. But sometimes when he goes, I can't help but feel a little tug on my heart. I do trust him completely, so that is not a concern, as he would have no reservations about me going to see male strippers, if I was so inclined. I want to understand why sometimes I may feel bothered by him going and most of the time I couldn't care less. A: You're saying that your fiance goes to a strip club once a year and sometimes it bothers you and sometimes it doesn't, but I don't believe you. I think it always bothers you, though to different degrees each time, which is why you're taking the time to write to me. And guess what? It's all right that it bothers you. You feel a little jealous and wonder whether he still finds you attractive, which lowers your self-esteem. You might feel the same way if you caught him looking at some woman at the beach wearing a bikini. At the same time, if you catch some man looking at you on the beach, you feel a little tingle of excitement. Freedom has its rewards and its costs. Overall, I think we're better off with more freedom than with less, but the fact that not being able to have your man under lock and key sometimes makes you a little uncomfortable is just a normal consequence of our lifestyle, and my advice is not to be too concerned by it. Q: Someone just told me that he was having intercourse with his wife and he went "too far" in. She had to take a trip to the hospital to get her insides put back together. Can this type of thing really happen? Can a man's penis really "overpenetrate"? A: I'm not a medical doctor, but let me make some presumptions. At the end of the vagina is the cervix, which connects the vagina to the uterus. The cervix is very sensitive, and just having a man's penis come into contact with it, not to mention penetrate it, would be painful. So I believe that the average woman having sex with a man with an oversize penis would stop any activities that might cause damage right away, because she would be in pain. But some women don't complain. They might put up with pain, and so over time intercourse could cause some damage. So without actually answering your question, my advice to you, and to anyone feeling pain during intercourse, is to stop whatever you are doing right away and investigate what might be causing this pain, ultimately by having an exam by a gynecologist. Q: I have a problem coming to orgasm. My first husband died nine years ago, and I recently married in August 2010. I enjoy sex to the fullest, but cannot come to a climax with my new husband. He has tried everything, but to no avail. I have had no sex for 10 years, until now. I take medications for cholesterol, and an anti-anxiety med, plus meds for asthma. Please help me, as I am getting frustrated. A: Medications can have an effect on sexual functioning. So the first thing you should do is talk to your doctor about this. Perhaps switching medications or changing the dose might help. If that doesn't work, then go to see a sex therapist. You might be anxious, and this anxiety might be stopping you from having orgasms, but it's not a diagnosis I can make based just on what you've written, especially as there is medication involved. So do a little sleuthing, starting with your doctor, and I am sure you can correct this. Q: I am in a relationship, and my boyfriend is on BBM, which is a BlackBerry free chatting. Now, my boyfriend mostly only has a whole lot of girls on it, none of whom I know. He says they are all friends. Should I just ignore this? A: The problem with your situation is that the answer is in his head. Are these just friends who happen to be women, or is he using this as a way of keeping his options open? You might not be able to read his mind, but what about his other actions? Is he a caring and loving boyfriend? Does he treat you with respect? Do you feel like he loves you? If the relationship as a whole seems like a good one, then perhaps you should ignore who he is chatting with. But if the relationship is not so good, then my advice to you is to look for a new boyfriend.