Jokes for Today
A stripper's SO was holding his 8 month old baby while his bitch was in kitchen fixing lunch.
The baby murmured, "mother".
The guy gets all excited and hollers to his bitch, "Hey bitch, da baby just said haf a word!"
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Two strippers were standing at the bar ready for a night of business.
"It's gonna be a good night tonight, I can tell" says one of the girls.
"How can you tell?" says the other.
"I can smell cock in the air" replies the first stripper.
"Sorry", her friend replied, " I just burped!"
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A little boy walks down the street with a dead frog on a string.
He enters a whorehouse and approaches the madam.
"Madam, I would like to have a girl for the afternoon." says the little boy.
"Sonny, I think you're a little young for that." replies the madam.
The little boy places a $100 bill in the madam's hand.
"One lady coming up." says the madam.
"And I want her to have herpes," says the little boy.
"Why on earth would you want that?" asked the madam, "and anyway, I don't have any women like that. All my girls are clean."
The little boy pulls out another $100 bill and gives it to the madam.
"One dirty girl, coming up," she says.
The madam takes the little boy upstairs and leaves him in a room with a well endowed blonde. When he comes down a little bit later, she says, "Son, I can understand you wanting to get laid, but why on earth would you want to catch something like herpes?"
The little boy looks the madam straight in the eye and says, "It's like this lady... When I get home the babysitter's going to be there and I'm gonna fuck her and SHE'S going to get the herpes.
Then when my mom and dad come home, my dad's going to take the babysitter home and fuck her and HE'S going to get the herpes.
Then when my dad gets home, he's going to fuck my mom and SHE'S going to get the herpes.
Then about 10 o'clock tomorrow morning, the mailman's going to show up at my house and fuck my mom and HE'S THE ONE THAT KILLED MY FUCKING FROG!"
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Three blonde striipers died and found themselves standing before St. Peter. He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom of Heaven, they had to tell him what Easter was.
The first stripper said, "Easter is the holiday where they have a big feast, give thanks and eat turkey."
St. Peter rolled his eyes, said, "Blondes," and banished her to Hell.
The second stripper said, "Easter is when we celebrate the birth of Jesus and exchange gifts." St. Peter said, "Wrong," and he banished her to Hell.
St. Peter looked at the third blonde and said, "OK ... tell me." She said, "Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with His disciples when he was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested him. The Romans hung
Him on the cross and eventually He died. Then they buried Him in a tomb behind a very large boulder."
St. Peter was impressed. "Verrrrry good," he said.
The blonde continued, "Now every year, they roll away the boulder, and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of basketball."
St. Peter fainted.
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A man wearing a balaclava bursts into a sperm bank with a shot gun. "Open the f*****g safe!" he yells at the girl behind the counter. "But we're not a real bank" replies the girl. "This is a sperm bank, we don't hold money". "Don't argue just open the safe or I'll blow your f*****g head off!" She obliges and opens the safe door.
"Take one of the bottles and drink it!"
"But it's full of sperm" the girl replies nervously.
"Don't argue, just drink it" he says. She prises off the cap and gulps it down.
"Take out another one and drink it too!" he demands. The girl drinks another one. Suddenly the guy pulls off the balaclava and to the girl's amazement it's her husband.......
"Not that f*****g difficult is it?" he says
The baby murmured, "mother".
The guy gets all excited and hollers to his bitch, "Hey bitch, da baby just said haf a word!"
____________________________________________________________________
Two strippers were standing at the bar ready for a night of business.
"It's gonna be a good night tonight, I can tell" says one of the girls.
"How can you tell?" says the other.
"I can smell cock in the air" replies the first stripper.
"Sorry", her friend replied, " I just burped!"
___________________________________________________
A little boy walks down the street with a dead frog on a string.
He enters a whorehouse and approaches the madam.
"Madam, I would like to have a girl for the afternoon." says the little boy.
"Sonny, I think you're a little young for that." replies the madam.
The little boy places a $100 bill in the madam's hand.
"One lady coming up." says the madam.
"And I want her to have herpes," says the little boy.
"Why on earth would you want that?" asked the madam, "and anyway, I don't have any women like that. All my girls are clean."
The little boy pulls out another $100 bill and gives it to the madam.
"One dirty girl, coming up," she says.
The madam takes the little boy upstairs and leaves him in a room with a well endowed blonde. When he comes down a little bit later, she says, "Son, I can understand you wanting to get laid, but why on earth would you want to catch something like herpes?"
The little boy looks the madam straight in the eye and says, "It's like this lady... When I get home the babysitter's going to be there and I'm gonna fuck her and SHE'S going to get the herpes.
Then when my mom and dad come home, my dad's going to take the babysitter home and fuck her and HE'S going to get the herpes.
Then when my dad gets home, he's going to fuck my mom and SHE'S going to get the herpes.
Then about 10 o'clock tomorrow morning, the mailman's going to show up at my house and fuck my mom and HE'S THE ONE THAT KILLED MY FUCKING FROG!"
_________________________________________________________________
Three blonde striipers died and found themselves standing before St. Peter. He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom of Heaven, they had to tell him what Easter was.
The first stripper said, "Easter is the holiday where they have a big feast, give thanks and eat turkey."
St. Peter rolled his eyes, said, "Blondes," and banished her to Hell.
The second stripper said, "Easter is when we celebrate the birth of Jesus and exchange gifts." St. Peter said, "Wrong," and he banished her to Hell.
St. Peter looked at the third blonde and said, "OK ... tell me." She said, "Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with His disciples when he was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested him. The Romans hung
Him on the cross and eventually He died. Then they buried Him in a tomb behind a very large boulder."
St. Peter was impressed. "Verrrrry good," he said.
The blonde continued, "Now every year, they roll away the boulder, and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of basketball."
St. Peter fainted.
_________________________________________________________________
A man wearing a balaclava bursts into a sperm bank with a shot gun. "Open the f*****g safe!" he yells at the girl behind the counter. "But we're not a real bank" replies the girl. "This is a sperm bank, we don't hold money". "Don't argue just open the safe or I'll blow your f*****g head off!" She obliges and opens the safe door.
"Take one of the bottles and drink it!"
"But it's full of sperm" the girl replies nervously.
"Don't argue, just drink it" he says. She prises off the cap and gulps it down.
"Take out another one and drink it too!" he demands. The girl drinks another one. Suddenly the guy pulls off the balaclava and to the girl's amazement it's her husband.......
"Not that f*****g difficult is it?" he says
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6 comments
A: you fuck her!!!!
Kathy quietly sipped her whiskey until Joanne finally asked, "Well, what do you call your boyfriend?" Kathy frowned and said, "The postman." "Why the postman?" asked Joanne.
"Because, he always delivers late and half the time it's in the wrong box."
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One day a hooker went to file her taxes, and for occupation she put prostitution.
The tax collector explained that prostitution was an illegal occupation.
She said she'd have to go home and think about it and that she'd call him back in a hour with her occupation.
An hour later she called him and said, "I've got it... I'm a chicken farmer."
He said, "How do you get chicken farmer out of prostitution."
She said, "I raised over a thousand cocks last year."
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A husband and wife were watching a TV program about psychology and explaining the phenomenon of "mixed emotions". The husband turned to his wife and said "honey that's such a bunch of crap. I'll bet you cannot tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time."
She looked at him and replied . . . "out of all your friends you have the biggest penis. . . "
2 men are sitting next to each other on a plane. The first man is quitely chuckling to himself.
The 2nd man asks, "May I ask whats so funny?"
The 1st man replied... "Did you ever get so flustered by a situation, that when you go to speak, you completely mix up what you are saying?
Well, im on line at the ticket counter earlier and I was taken back by how beautiful the woman behind the counter was.
I meant to say.. I need a Ticket to Pittsburgh, but it came out... I need a Picket to Titsburgh"
The 2nd man responds. "Hah. I know exactly what you mean. Why, just this morning, I was having breakfast with my wife.
I meant to say.. Honey, would you please pass the Salt.
Instead, It came out as.. "you miserable Bitch, you ruined my life!"
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An old man was sitting on his front porch down in Louisiana watching the sun rise. He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm. He yells out "Hey boy whatcha got there?"
Boy yells back "Roll of chicken wire."
Old man says "What you gonna do with that?"
Boy says "Gonna catch some chickens."
The old man yells "You damn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!"
Boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old man's surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.
Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round thing in his hand.
Old man yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
Boy yells back "Roll of duck tape."
Old man says "What you gonna do with that?"
Boy says back "Gonna catch me some ducks."
Old man yells back, "You damn fool, you can't catch ducks with duck tape!"
Boy just laughs and keeps walking. That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home and to the old man's amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it. Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end.
Old man says "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
Boy says "It's a pussy willow."
Old man says "Wait up.... I'll get my hat."
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I’ve got some good news and some bad news†the doctor says. “What’s the bad news?†asks the patient. “The bad news is that unfortunately you’ve only got 3 months to live.†The patient is taken back, “What’s the good news then Doctor?†The doctor points over to the secretary at the front desk, “You see that blonde with the big breasts, tight ass and legs that go all the way up to heaven?â€, the patient shakes his head and the doctor replies, “I’m fucking her.â€
A: you fuck her!!!!"
A2: dress her up as a choir boy!
The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"
He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."
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A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
"You'll get your chance in court." said the Desk Sergeant.
"No, no no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"
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It was a beautiful, warm spring morning. A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo. She was wearing a loose-fitting, pink dress - sleeveless with straps. He was wearing his usual jeans andT-shirt.
As they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla. Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy. He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand. He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink dress.
The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny. He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead.
Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She did, and the gorilla was about to tear the bars down.
"Now show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said.
This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy, and he started doing flips. Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut.
"Now, tell him you have a headache."
He caught his breath, then told the boys he was the president of the United States. He offered to reward them with whatever they would like.
The first boy asked for a 10-speed bicycle. "You've got it," answered the president.
The second boy asked for a burial plot in Arlington National Cemetery. The president noted that was a strange request for a boy to make. "Yes, Sir. But when I tell my daddy what I did today, he's gonna kill me!"