Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess.... 'Will you marry me?'
The Princess said, ‘NO!!!'
The Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf and drank beer and scotch and went to strip clubs had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.
The End
A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read: "Dear wife, You must realize that you are 54 years old and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight. - Your Husband." When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows: "Dear Husband. You too are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don't wait up."
Playboy is coming out with a new magazine for men who are married. Every month the centerfold is the exact same woman.
If god had been a woman sperm would taste of chocolate.
Last week, She checked into the Four Seasons in Palm Beach and was a bit lonely. She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages."
She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony -- a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and felt quite certain she could bounce a quarter off his well oiled butt.... you get the picture. She figured, what the heck, I'll give him a call.
"Hello, ma'am, how may I help you?" . . Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy! Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated she rushed right in, "Hi, I hear you give a great massage, I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night -tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything baby. Now how does that sound?"
He says, "Oh my God... that sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line."
A husband and wife are shopping in their
local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up
a case of Budweiser and puts it in their
cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the
wife.
'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he
replies..
'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands
the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar
of face cream and puts it in the basket.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the
husband.
'Its my face cream. It makes me look
beautiful,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and
it's half the price.'
On the PA system: 'Cleanup on aisle 25, we have a
husband down."
Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music.
The iTit will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size.
This is considered a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
If God had been a man, sperm would be chocolate!
Hmmm-- Re the iTit: it gives new perspective to whether you want to be an early adopter.
An offshoot joke:
A guy walking downtown during th encountered a panhandler. In accordance with the spirit of helping those in need, the man hands panhandler a 20, adding that he hoped it would "help him buy some tail".
PH: "I don't chase after or pay for pussy". G: "Well, I hope it will buy you some drinks." PH: "I don't drink." G: "OK, I hope you win some your bet on todays golf classic. PH: " I don't gamble, or even play golf." G: "Come with me, I'm going to introduce you to my wife. I want to show her what happens to a guy who doesn't drink, gamble, play golf, or chase pussy."