Ever thought about therapy?
Book Guy
I write it like I mean it, but mostly they just want my money.
I have recently been diagnosed with adult-onset ADHD, so the fact that I'm interacting with a clinician isn't strictly based on my sexual proclivities. I am learning all sorts of good things about me, about my orneriness, about my difficulties in job situations, and so forth. And I'm getting some good pills that aid me in (1) managing a more normal sleep-cycle, that isn't totally debilitating if it gets ever so slightly out of whack; (2) managing the interest in doing repetitive office-style work, the repetition of which I've never been able to stomach, despite having a good education and a fairly high mental capacity for the work; (3) managing the whole "runs off at the mouth" type of thing that happens either here (internet logorrhea!) or in my real life (more logorrhea!), in such a way that I "structure" and "consider" my thoughts and answers, before posting or saying them. All of that is positive developments. But it isn't really "fixing" my relationships and sexual ... issues.
Do I really HAVE issues?
1. It's too expensive, what I want to do. I have spent about $200,000 in 15 or 20 years of mongering. Some of that to prostitutes for full-service, some of it to strippers for the HINTS at full service. Wouldn't it be great to pick up a hot girl (or a girl who is at least just as hot as the one whom I got a lapper from, last night, after all the hotties had gone home) at a bar, be able to 5 out of 7 times get at least a little positive reaction from her? Instead, I sit on my ass on a bar-stool at Visions and WONDER what it would be like to have a hot (or not-so-hot) girl respond to ome.
2. And it's too time-consuming. I'm spending all my LIFE out at strip clubs trying to figure out why I'm not making real friendships. (Duh!) I have some great buddies (male and female) from my school, and they are decent people, and before I came back to school I knew some OK people from work, but I never was interested in interacting with them, and I certainly never actually bothered to organize a way to socialize with them. I'm almost 40, I need to have a "real" social life, not just the one I have now, of not really even knowing the real names of the people I spend all my social time with. Barbie and Bambi and Bubbles are fine, but they won't show up for my mother's funeral or support me through a difficult chapter-11, or whatever it is that friends are for. I'm spending all my time, that SHOULD be allocated to making REAL friendships, with making FAKE friendships.
So, maybe I DO have "issues." Anyone else considered therapy? Up side? Down side? I don't want to be NORMAL, but I do want to be less ... umm ... desperate, dependent, ineffective at life. I wanna get laid, still, and I wanna think of hot chicks as hot pieces of meat whom I can try to fuck. No reason to change that, I'm a normal human adult heterosexual (mostyl) male so I really can't see why I'd try to "fix" that biological drive. But I'd like to "fix" the way I RESPOND to the fact that I HAVE that drive.
See what I mean? Your thoughts?
Happy fuckin' Holidays, by the way. :)
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If you are emotionally stuck in a rut and want to get out - that is a problem too.
If you don't know how to interact with people outside of the protocol of "Wanna dance" "Yea, sure" - that is a problem.
It sounds to me like you have a slight if not big time sex addiction thing going on. A little more can be had here http://www.slaafws.org/40questions to determine what might be going through your mind.
SA isn't about having sex all the time - it's replacing something else - or multiple something elses - with the high one gets from the 'mones running through your blood.
Sometimes, it is simply social laziness - which I admit I have. I'm not willing to put the effort into some social aspects.
And maybe it is a touch of social anxiety. Like I said, a strip club has a specific social protocol. Everyone knows what is expected and what is not. What is to be talked about and what is not. Out in the open - the randomness of the interaction can be dizzying and confusing.
As I am married to a bitch as described above like casual guy therapy is a waste of time. I am pushing 60 anyhow - not looking to start over LOL. I have found there is no greater therapy for me than my SC hobby or great sex with a really hot gal.
They summed it up pretty well on South Park:
http://www.southparkstudios.com/clips/25…
"Do You Know What I Am Saying?"
"If you are blowing money on stuff that doesn't make you happy - that is a problem. If you are emotionally stuck in a rut and want to get out - that is a problem too. If you don't know how to interact with people outside of the protocol of "Wanna dance" "Yea, sure" - that is a problem."
I don't really see sex-addiction as ringing the right chimes, however. The more accurate point would be one about "social laziness," I think.
Though, to think again, maybe I should reconsider that. I spent a lot of time trying to figure out how to get laid by hot women, and I THINK (though, I don't really know) that I really put myself out there among civilians and gave it a real go. It just never seemed to materialize, and the idea of being socially pro-active actually caused me MORE, rather than less, grief. I was feeling like all that good effort I was putting in, was starting to piss me off. I was actually driving myself DOWN into an 8unhappiness spiral precisely because was social pro-active.
So, maybe it's all kind of mixed up in my head. I dunno. It still pisses me off, the way that women fuck the men who are bad for them and mistreat the men who are nice to them (yes, yes, I know all the reasoning about hunters, providers, alpha-males, aggression, selfish genes, etc.). And I still don't know how to go about being effective with "playing the part" of some person who DOES get laid.
But really, that's what I want out of this. I don't need to "unlearn" strip club skills, or lust. I just need to be able to pick up a hot girl and have a pretty girlfriend. Is that a target for therapy?
Hmm. Happy holidays. :)
We all pay. Look at the strippers and hookers as sex training for nice girls. Working on your skills and all that.
Women are all crazy. Hot women are typically full of themselves and are looking for the bad boy or the type A alpha male who will shower them with material things. Fck all that.
The ideal situation is a hot girl who used to be fat but still has bad body image. But those are few and far between.
But if you're always down, even with counseling, try joining a "men's group" to talk through things and you'll see you're not the only one with issues, But you'll also find ways to deal with things. Your counselor should be able to help you find a men's group.
In a way, TUSCL is it's own men's group (no offense to the other participants), but you need to try something else.
"Hot women are typically full of themselves and are looking for the bad boy or the type A alpha male who will shower them with material things. Fck all that."
I agree 100% with this. I would rather pay for it at SC then get involved in a relationship with them.
I remember 20 years ago I had a few dates with an engineering secretary who would not fuck bc I was married and told me I had 6 months to leave my wife or the relationship was over. One nite I might have actually gotten some but her 8 yr old son interrupted things. She was telling co-workers who were telling everyone else. Instead of fooling with that stupid bitch, I just needed to be going to a Strip Club!
1. Thanks for the replies. Yeah, I see where you're going. Yeah, you too. :)
2. I got some private messages. Thanks for those, too. I'll get 'round to replying some time soon, I'm sure.
3. Middle-aged men CAN attract physically appealing women. Remember when you were 20 and all the hot girls were dating older guys? Well, NOW YOU'RE THE OLDER GUY! You just have to be the right KIND of older guy, that suave lives-his-life-the-way-he-wants runs-his-own-affairs type of guy, not the desperate-to-get-to-work-on-time so that he won't-get-fired-by-his-adolescent-boss type of middle-aged guy.
4. Clubs aren't THERAPY, in that they don't IMPROVE my social skills, my dependencies, or any of my complaints. But they are BENEFICIAL, in that they offer a type of sexual release (if indeed I get one) and also a type of social outlet. They're like crutches -- they don't do anything to actually CURE the problem, but without them I'd be stumbling even more, yet if I get dependent on them I may NEVER heal. It's a double-bind.
5. Hot women aren't as bad as people report. When you get on their good side, you find out they're just as full of insecurities, and nincompoop stupidities, as anyone else, and all of that "not going out with the guy they should go out with" is probably something SHE regrets as much as HE does. Many "typical backstabbing manipulator" hot women aren't actually TRYING to manipulate, and if you were somehow able to be the angel on their shoulder and point out to them every instance -- "see, look, he feels pussy-whipped, like you're jerking his chain again" -- then many of them would probably be quite surprised. "Really? I was just letting him see my tits because he likes to look at them. I didn't know that the fact that I TEASE but then DON'T please, actually means I'm BAD rather than GOOD. Don't boys LIKE being teased?" It's this odd obliviousness they have.
Really, once I had to EXPLAIN to a long-term girlfriend of mine, that if she ever again ACTED like she was going to fuck me, BUT THEN DIDN'T ACTXUALLY DO IT WITHIN THE NEXT TEN MINUTES, I would break up with her. It came as a big surprise to her. She genuinely thought that, because I responded positively to her (ultimately false) promise of potential sexual intercourse by beginning to follow through on the act, therefore, I was pleased with her promise, whether it ultimately turned out to be true or false. I can see how she allowed a little bit of self-congratulation, and a little bit of willful obtuseness, to go a long way, but just because it's a girlish crime doesn't mean it's not a common one. I see that kind of self-misleading going on among a LOT of hot girls. They just can't quite BUY the idea, that they're mis-wielding their power. "Wait, what? Me? I don't have power ..."
Then again, there are the proactively, commitedly, deliberatley manipulative cunts. But I honestly think they're pretty easy to spot.
My trouble isn't, in dealing with hot women who "jerk my chain," though that did happen to me once or twice during my formative years, to a great degree. I think I've gotten over those past hurts.
Rather, my trouble is, I DON'T KNOW ANY HOT WOMEN. It's not that I can't make friends, or can't "pick up" a girl, it's that they aren't accessible to me, OR TO ANY OTHER MEN who don't deal drugs. This is the thing. They keep themselves locked away where we don't get at them. When they have to go out on the street, they plaster a cell phone to their ear or drive in a little white Honda against the flow of traffic so we can't get AT them.
So, as a general concept ... I'm OK with people, and with hot women as people. But I'm not OK with my own social milieu. I just don't know how a mid-forties guy can possibly have a job AND meet hot chicks AND sleep AND eat and have time to ... ya know, bathe, do the laundry, that kind of stuff.
In fact, the ADHD takes up all my time. If I do have a job, I do'nt have time to eat. Really, for me, a mere M to F, 9 to 5 job takes up more time than is biologically possible for me to commit. I can't get the work done during work hours (mostly because they want me to do six people's jobs and I'm very bad at doing a half-assed version of anything) and I can't get errands done sufficiently not to get ill from over-work. It's all sprinting from office to car to laundromat to cafeteria, or doing without one of -- shower, clean clothes, food, sleep. I have never read a book and also held down a job at the same time. I have never had a friendship and a job at the same time. I have had to quit every single social and personal activity in order merely to be able to ATTEND a job, if I hold a job at all. I don't know how other people do it. But finally a doctor has said to me, "Ya know, that's not normal. Other people get their weekends off and manage two or three meals a day." And he's concluded, "It's not your fault." (Remember that scene in "Good Will Hunting"?) It's very nice to hear, after twenty years of getting fired for being brilliant ... which never made sense to me until now.
OK then. 4:23 am. Must be the Ritalin kicking in ... :)
Happy holidays, the remainder of them.
I've also found it easier to attract women as I get older. All the things you are supposed to do just come more naturally.
Now as for you, BookGuy, my prediction is that in therapy are you going to have to learn to value women for things other than looks, and to have more realistic goals regarding your interactions with them. I get the feeling that, right now, your goal is to be the Fonz: snap your fingers and a half dozen hot girls come running up to you whether you like it or not.