My company is bidding on a new project, and I was in charge of getting the proposed team's resumes together, which got me thinking ...
If you were preparing a “resume†type summary (# of years of experience, unique skills, qualifications, etc.) of your strip club experience, how would it read?
Mr. Dudester - looks good, do you have any advanced degrees?
I have an advanced degree in the school of hard knocks? Does that count?
Chandler's qualifications include:
"Mr. Dudester - looks good, do you have any advanced degrees?"
What an opening for some community college!!! Not to mention "professional development seminars" and "weekend retreats", etc.
I would be interested in seeing the resumes of strippers or ex-strippers... I talked to one dancer and asked if she puts her stripper job down on her resume or just put a unemployment period...she said that she lied and put down on her resume that she worked as a bartender, not a dancer, at the club. She said she also gave the name of the manager who she slept with as one of her references LOL.
I have alot of experience in RECEIVING a HJ or BJ. I saw some bit on HBO's real sex series (the show generally sucks) about women holding BJ training parties. Anyone up for being a crash test dummy at one of these BJ-tupperware parties?
No you dont get the "job". In this challenging economy, a resume like that is a dime-bag-a- dozen. You need to list what set's you apart from the 1000's of other strippers who have the same experience. Where's the higher skill-sets such as any Missionary work? extra-curricular course studies in Anal-101? and specifically if you have the ability to suck the chrome off a trailer hitch?
The single biggest problem with it, you mention "dancing" far too many times! I also did not see any Correctional Institutions listed? I take this to mean you worked at clubs which were raided for prostitution but you were never arrested and therefore other strippers did more/were arrested.
Fix up the resume and repost it. Thank you.
SC Patron Resume how
OBJECTIVE: Ejaculate inside dancer as she also achieves orgasm.
QUALIFICATIONS: Blowing loads in dancers for over a decade. Consistently bringing dancers to earthshattering orgasmic delight, including but not limited to moaning, screaming, and squirting.
EXPERIENCE: Filled dancers with seminal fluid in Florida, Texas, California, New Mexico, Rhode Island, and of course in TJ.
EDUCATION: PhD in Dancer Diddlin' from FSU.
REFERENCES: Tiffany, Candy, Luscious, etc...
Ok, How- Did I read your resume correctly, FSU ?!? Better not stand for Florida State University or I'm chucking your resume in the toilet and shitting on it!
TB- Big improvement but your still not hired because your resume is totally plagerised or written by someone else. There is NO STRIPPER who does everything you say and understands English Grammar that well!
Just revise it like this:
Ivana Vutubangme address phone#
My rezamay: I suk cock reel gud
That's it! You are hired!
Sorry T Bro, you still may not pass muster as you have no drug experience.
Admit it , Steve. You're going to hire the applicant with the big tits, regardless of what hers, or anyone elses resumes look like.
Sounds like how is a bit jealous of the 'Noles!
My resume:
Been there, done that!
Questions?
Not jealous any semi'Holes! They aren't even ranked in the top 25 of ANY NCAA sport. I'd wipe my ass with a resume from some Fl State grad!
TB- use my resume guide, 5 words : "I suk cok reel gud", says everything the employer needs to read and make sure there are some photos from different angles and a great head/money shot!
I'd hire porn-stars based on same criteria.
Tell the kids to pee in the cereal with the water for flavor.
gatorfan, as T-Bro pointed out, "FSU" = Full Service U, not Fla St.
I have to credit him with the acronym, since I only plagiarized it from his "dancer" resume.
More important than whether you'd hire T-Bro's fake dancer, would any dancer hire me based on my resume?
PL Resume Steve229
OBJECTIVE: Long term ATF relationship. ATF must be sweet, innocent, girl next door type, college student just working to pay her tuition, who only gives air dances. (Must also be smoking hot, however).
QUALIFICATIONS: Well dressed, distinguished looking, polite, delusional, “perfect gentleman†with innate ability to accept any statement from dancer, no matter how outrageous, at face value. Skilled at handing over large sums of cash to attractive, scantily clad young women for low mileage dances and conversation.
EXPERIENCE: Upsold, shortchanged, overcharged and otherwise taken advantage of (and not in the good way) by various ROBs in numerous clubs in multiple states.
EDUCATION: Currently financing numerous dancers’ college studies.
REFERENCES: Tiffany, Candy, Luscious, plus that new blonde girl whose name I didn’t get last time.
How- your resume is generally good, you probably should list the size of your equipment and what specific techniques or skills you possess (dirty sanchez, sprinkler, 69 latin style, etc).
Steve229- I'm sorry college financing alone wont work, now had you listed financing an extravagant lifestyle, college and anything else the stripper wants would have helped. Your qualifications section needs alot of work, less consideration for the grooming stuff, you should point out your net worth, credit card limits, and personal property. Every stripper thinks they are smoking hot, you are going to have to give examples of girls they need to resemble. And your experience section is a little weak, keep it to 5 words or less, they dont give a shit unless you are listing specific sexual skills as How tried to offer.
Actually, a stripper could apply for a sales position with this:
Hostess with five years experience. Have excelled at the art of entertaining clients and feigning interest. Have also encouraged same clients to invest anywhere from hundreds to thousands in a single evening, promising much, but delivering little. Have also handled same customers by assuring them that the next experience would be better and have noticed repeat business from some of the same customers.
Yep, JEALOUS!
You're right Fla State has a better ping-pong team, everything else they suck at
gatorfan opined: "How- your resume is generally good, you probably should list the size of your equipment and what specific techniques or skills you possess (dirty sanchez, sprinkler, 69 latin style, etc)."
Size of equipment: Use your imagination. Now, imagine more girth...
Skills: Never done a Dirty Sanchez, but that's my favorite nickname for a disgusting act. I assume sprinkler involves urine, so I'm happy to report very limited experience there...however, there was this one stripper with whom I was showering after a hotel romp, and while we were standing in the shower, she just squatted and let loose with her golden stream. She was a free spirit, at least...
Sad to report I'm unfamiliar with the "latin style" twist to the 69, though I've 69'd latinas. Can you clue me in?
DJ, several years experience I know how to get the party going and the music rocking. I'm not afraid to turn up the volume to make it a party. I can talk customers into spending their money. Not too bad with the dancers either. I help give them some extra experience if you know what I mean haha....
To close out the evening and make sure everyone drives safely sometimes I remind them with a little joke about everyone driving 90 because there's no way they could catch us all. Just joking... I wouldn't say that. I just play some good music sometimes like "Can't Drive 55" right before closing.
Ok do I have the job now?
Did I say I can talk customers into spending money? I've had dancers comment on my talking ability.
how- Did her golden shower sprinkle on you or was it just for show? For 69 latin style- theres some samba-salsa hip motion with it, and sprinkler is a tongue movement around her pussy. Putting the size of the equipment is important, always add 3 inches to whatever it is since Spike TV has said women assume we exaggerate everything by 3 inches.
casualguy- You can be the deeejay but work on the comedy routine before you start. Also, there is no fucking the strippers by the deejay!! Only managers and bouncers can fuck the strippers, got it?
just for show, gatorfan, but after she was done, it was obvious to both of us that I needed to plug that leak...so, she bent over and I did
how, a good plumber always plugs all potential leaks, something to try next time eh?
gatorfan, I did plug the primary source for potential leaks, but the secondary source (for #2-type leaks) remained untapped. She did ask me to tap it on another occasion, but I stayed in the other hole instead.
I'm not a 'Noles fan, but I do respect them. I believe that if you add their total Div I Football National Championships to the total of the gators, the two schools can then equal Miami's total. Am I wrong? :)
An other thing, some of the girls from uf make great strippers at Cafe Risque in Micanopy.
My SC Resume:
OBJECTIVE: To fuck as many of these gals as possible.
CAREER OVERVIEW: Experienced player (punter) who has had 19 different dancers (Sex plus HJ and BJ from some) in last 5 years both ITC and OTC - slightly over 300 sessions. Lifetime VIP at 2 clubs in Houston Area.
EXPERIENCE and ACCOMPLISHMENTS: Lap Dances in full 2 way contact environment at dozens of clubs nationwide, sessions at various area motels, fucked dancers in open vip area with mgr / bouncer not 15 ft away, fleeced out of $200 by dancer while still recovering from sex, fucked dancers in VIP for as little as $100, , skiped out from work to fuck dancers on company time, did one dancer 75 times over 3 yr period, phone confrontation with dancers live in "please leave her alone." Also kicked off Strippers Web Twice - A dancer called me a whoremonger there. Thrown out of a Montana club for feeling dancers tits -they are only one way contact there.
ITC PREFERENCES: Full Sex GFE, HJ. Sometimes just Lap Dances. Common Opening Line: "Hey honey do you like to play?" "I may take a dance, cmere and sit in my lap for awhile honey."
FAVORITE CLUBS: Treasures, Ricks, Ritz, Heartbreakers, Allstars, St James (The Church), Vixens
FAVORITE STRIPPER SITE: tusl.net
Clubber- if you take the number of Miamis NCAA violations and add to them the number of FSU's losing seasons (in ANY sport) and you'd get about the same number as our national debt. My figures could be exaggerated but you get the point. Yes some Gator gals make great strippers, they are hot.
Player11 - "FAVORITE STRIPPER SIT: tusl.net" , I thought this site was TUSCL.net. Resume looks more like a Penthouse Forum submission than employment application.
gatorfan, a fine example of a lovely Gator grad is ESPN's Erin Andrews.
And player11, the fact that you told-off a stripper's live-in dude is out-of-place on your resume. But the Montana story is gold.
Erin Andrews is welcome in any locker room for interviews.
I agree with How, we want to see the criminal history for strippers not customers arrest records.
gatorfan, I am not sure if you watch SEC basketball games, but a couple seasons ago, Erin was covering a game involving Tennessee. UT coach Bruce Pearl, a notorious hound, was practically drooling all over her during the halftime interview. It was hilarious!
A typical response, bring up old history that has NOTHING to do with the topic. Just proves my point.
Never said uf women were not hot, just that not altogether brilliant. That is often the norm at state schools where admission standards are lower. Ergo, some student/athletes that can't get in at a private school, say The U, opt for the states schools. Just how it goes.
Erin hot? If you say so. Good looking, I'll buy that, but hot, not in my book.
I think I remember about the Bruce Pearl interview. I definitely remember Erin Andrews having a problem on a baseball? interview where she received some sexual remarks by a player, happened maybe a year ago.
The girl in profile photo is hot, Erin is good looking.
I suppose we can agree that Erin is more "good looking" than "hot," but when compared to typical sideline reporter-ettes, she's a veritable babe.
how, Correct. I remember seeing a sideline reporter years ago, named Jill something I don't remember. Anyone know? Now she was hot! Her father was a QB for the Eagles years ago.
Pervert, with thirty years experience in strip clubs, seeking placement as director of new strip club talent. Well renowned for my skills at oral sex (recommendations available), I am also excellent at training new talent in the ability of giving great lapdances, so as to please clientele. I am also creative in design ideas with budget as my only restraint, and I have a background in music to ensure that clientele are entertained, and their experience becomes memorable enough to ensure repeat business. I am flexible in salary and hours. I look forward to meeting and interviewing with your company.