Went on a couple week adventure down under a few months back in October. Had some good times. I don't see a ton of Aussie reviews on here and I had to even ask founder to add a bunch of strip clubs. The reviews that were there were way out of date, so there's a lot of uncharted tuscl territory here so lets do a deep dive. A lot of this stuff had no idea what I was getting into.
-First thing getting there was a pain in the ass, you gotta REALLY want to go and I did but I'm coming from the east coast of America so I had to fly into LAX from LGA, that's like 5 hours and that's just the warm up. Or you could also do either SFO or DFW and then head out to Sydney from there. Then LAX to SYD is 15 hours. After hour 10 you just start hating life. And they got you in the dark the whole time. But both legs combined are long enough though where your not going to be able to sleep through all of it. Also I sat in the back as I always do, there were quite a few empty seats, not sure if that's every flight.
-Touched down, I'm irritable and pissed off. The rental car folks had to fetch my rental car from another lot, I start hooting and hollering to myself AHHHH WTF and the rental car folks came over and tried to calm me down, that's not like me at all but your just so cooked after that flight. Believe it or not this is where a planet fitness card comes in, it's been great for a needed shower/workout when traveling America and it even works here in Australia there's a few planet finesses in Sydney so I stopped on by a took a much needed shower.
-I was tossing it around it my head, maybe I could squeeze in Adeleide, na it would have been impossible so I cut that out and ended up doing Sydney right from there head up to Queensland, Brisbane/Sunshine Coast/Gold Coast, using M1 then back down back through New South Wales down to Victoria using M31 to hit Melbourne bring it back to the ACT and stop in Canberra and then finish up in Sydney. That was the path I took. Some stops along the way also. About 9 hours or so between Melbourne-Sydney-Brisbane so probably around 40 hours or so just on the highway.
-In America you'll see hit deer all over the highway, in Australia you'll see a bunch a of dead Kangaroos.
-DO NOT speed in Australia. The roads are all camera'd up. I only got one ticket but it was doozy. I did 20 over in Queensland on the hume highway. I got hit for $740 AUD! This was after the fact through the mail afterwards when I got back so I had no idea at the time. Then they show you like this video online, this is Liz (shows some dyke lady) Liz was almost killed on the highway due to speeding. Be the change to make Liz safe. Yeah fuck you Liz. I was also banned from driving in Queensland for 3 months. (not gonna be back for a while so not too worried about that) How many times have YOU gone 20 over? WTF kind of commie bullshit is this. Outside of that I tried to be pretty careful driving.
-Parking can be tough. Tight spots not a lot of lots around. Europe has an excuse many cities built in the old world originally I get that, but Australia there's a whole lotta room to build in this country.
-The weather was overall amazing. Plenty of sun. October is Australia's spring, t shirt and shorts were fine everywhere I went.
-You know the old song Kookaburra sits in the old gum tree, well the Kookaburra birds are all over the fucking place and they do not shut the fuck up. It's might get real annoying for you quick.
-Outside of that bitch ass ticket, overall I thought it was pretty much paradise, it reminds me of California before they fucked it all up. All these gorgeous blonde girls at the beach, oh yeah that's I'm talking about it.
-Everything is mate. Mate, mate, mate, mate. Thanks mate, yeah mate. Also I didn't know this but Sheila I thought it was a widely used to term, it's like calling a girl cunt down there, so maybe don't say that one.
-Food wise I wasn't really here for the food but I would go to these bakeries and they would sell these minced meat pies for breakfast. They were pretty good, I was living off those things down here. A couple of them was all I needed.
-I did not partake in the brothels. Prostitution is legal in Australia. But I don't know it's not really my thing to be honest, maybe in a future visit but I just wanted to see what the strip clubs were like first.
-The demographics in the clubs are mostly gonna be white and then Asian and Pacific Islander folks what it more reflects in the general demographics of Australia. And I did catch some Latinas. Black strippers and blacks in general are much more rare then back in the US. Their black/natives are aboriginals and they are more up in the rural regions where it's way, way the fuck out in the boonies.
-The girls are nowhere near as chunky as in the states. It was very rare to see obese girls working in Australia. Now some of you might love that and some might hate that.
Q U E E N S L A N D
-Started up Queensland, it's sort of like the Florida of Australia. A lot of the theme parks are up there. Southern hemisphere so going north gets warmer. Your probably not seeing any crocs around Brisbane but about a couple hours north of there you could start seeing them. Your probably not going that far anyway but obviously you'd want to stay the hell out of the water up that way.
-I checked out the Australia Zoo that's Steve Irwin's old joint. His face is all over that place. I miss that dude, really genuine guy. They still have some big ass crocodiles he rescued from back in the 1980's. The greatest ESPN commercial with him btw. youtube.com
-I hit Brisbane, Gold Coast and the Sunshine Coast and clubbed in the former two.
Brisbane Scene
-Cool town, a lot of young folks walking around. There's a couple downtown, one next to downtown and the rest I think it was like 5 in like the college kid bar crawl area called the Fortitude Valley a few blocks away, packed to the gills with people.
-Brisbane rules suck, especially for my tastes, no grinding. But you can touch all over. It's hard for me to have fun without grinding my damn dick on something, isn't that whole point, I didn't really understand exactly how it went until I tried it out.
-The downtown Brisbane clubs were my first clubs in Australia so I was still trying to figure out what normal was. The girls at Vixen and Showgirls actually looked pretty good but when they were telling me 90 for 10 minutes or 120 for 10 minutes I was thinking that's a lot I wanted to try to get something better but that's actually pretty standard in Australia you buy a block of time and it's usually 10-15 minutes and spans from 80-150 AUD around. I had other clubs to hit but in hindsight the downtown clubs had some good talent in them and it seemed like the better options in Brisbane maybe.
I went over to Honey B's a few blocks over. Pretty slow at this one but I saw some off the boat Italian chick from Florence. Pretty chick, blue eyes, black hair and some nice naturals. Perfecto. Anyway she tells me the rules. I asked hey can I suck on those amazing melons. And in her broken english (but way better than my italian) she lets me know yeah. I said screw it lets do it. You pay the jukebox like machine and some waitress lady hollers at you if your breaking the rules with grinding. Right out here in the open basically just on a back wall. But at the same time they are watching me for grinding violations, I'm sucking on this girls boobs right in the open, no issue at all with that, but if she sits on your lap (God Forbid) STOP THE PRESSES. The whole thing is just odd.
I tried to get the Italian chick to do OTC, she wasn't into that though. I asked girl are you from the North or South, she said we're from Florence, we have no idea, we in the middle. Is there anything better than a beautiful italian girl with broken english and a wonderful rack? Well this would be the best I would get in Queensland but still wanted to just dry hump the shit out of her though.
-Everything else was pretty much a strike out but I was on the lookout for a 9 or 10 I could maybe do the same thing with and just in general curious and checking out the scene. The fortitude valley clubs were a lot of striking out. Those clubs are the K Club, Love and Rockets, The Cabaret, Eye Candy and the Candy club. I did catch one gorgeous ginger girl at Candy Club she looked like an elf. Very skinny super small ass. I don't know what to do with that in a strip club but some chicks are so pretty hell I'd do something with it but despite telling me she was new she would not honor the 50 dollar for 5 minute dance, (the cheapest option on the displayed menu) she would only do the 10 for I think it was 90. She actually promised grinding too but how come all the other clubs don't do that? I thought stripper bullshit I didn't buy it. I moved on, if she had a big ass I'd do it but the ass (or rather lack thereof) told me walk my ass out there. The rest of the clubs I passed on opportunities.
Gold Coast Scene
-Gold Coast is really cool city. It doesn't sound like a city but it's got a big ass skyline. It's like the Miami of Australia, If people in Miami actually spoke english. Big beach town and the strip clubs are right there.
-Three clubs. Same rules as up in Brisbane. Didn't find much fun at any spots. I feel like it's more geared for the beach tourists. So you see all kinds of folks walking in. Toy Box was pretty slow. And then Players and Hollywood showgirls across from each other, didn't see anything I wanted to play with. You gotta really be crazy for somebody to be playing by these rules but it was worth looksee to me.
-Also one club up in the sunshine coast. Another wonderful town. I was up there in the daytime but didn't get a chance at night on a day that club was open but just be aware of that not sure if the rules change greatly or not.
V I C T O R I A
-It's where Melbourne is. Not as hot down in here in the south and gets cloudy at times but nothing bad compared to US standards, still very mild, t shirt and shorts for me.
-They don't pronounce the R in Melbourne. It's like "Mel-bun" is what they say. I pronounce it like BORN, Mel-BORN. They were getting on me for that.
-Big skyline here if the city was in America and Canada it would only by behind NYC, Toronto and Chicago for most skyscrapers. Not as hot down here.
-Men at Work, an of the all time Australian band, I was blasting their music all over the country, you just have to. But they filmed the music video for "Overkill" right in St Kilda (which is a beach town right outside Melbourne) So I'm driving up and down Esplanade Blvd playing Overkill again and again real loud until the locals start shouting obscenities at me, see I'm sort of known to do gay shit like that.
-Melbourne was the richest city in the world in the 1880's and there's a lot of cool old Victorian architecture int he town from back then. Down by the beach in St Kilda, I think they modeled the old amusement park Luna Park and the Palais Theater off of that old Coney Island stuff. So it's kind of got this old school art deco Coney Island/Jersey shore beach vibe down there a little bit, it's a long way. Both of those spots here: google.com
-Hotel Recommendation for Melbourne: I stayed at Quest St. Kilda Bayside. Location was exactly what I wanted right behind Hotel Esplanade (a lot history there, it's like a bar/concert venue from 1878) and right by the beach. Washer and Dryer in the room which is real nice to have. Affordable and has it's own lot.
Melbourne strip club scene
-Most of the clubs are downtown, so it's an easy club hop if you want to do it.
-There is one joint called Maxines, way more of a seedy place going uptown. Looks like it hasn't changed in 40 years. Might get some mileage there but you probably won't like the talent. I ended getting a 120 parking ticket in the lot next door. Beyond livid. I'm getting pissed off even thinking about this again.
-There's also a couple clubs down in Geelong. It's about an hour south. Didn't get down there but I hear very restrictive/Expensive from a dancer that worked there.
-Another city with weird rules. In Melbourne a lot of the girls were saying I could not touch breasts. And there were mixed things about grinding. In many clubs mileage seemed very limited. Prices were fairly standard for Australia looked like 90-120 AUD for around 10 minutes. After letting me know the ground rules, One Filipino stripper at Kittens asks me in a Australian/Filipino accent (if you can imagine that) So Are you now ready for your VIP lap dance?.....Yeah sorry fuck no on that one.
-Most lineups were solid talent (not spectacular though) I thought, in hindsight the best lineups in the city were probably Kittens, Centerfold and the Men's Gallery. The other clubs are Dreams, Private Eyes and Bar 20.
-I was about to call it a night, the prices/mileage were too restrictive to have fun I determined. But there was one spot left Dreams, I almost didn't go, I'm glad I did though. They don't serve alcohol here so the rules different but in VIP, two way touch is a go here. And I'm in there and while most of the lineup was busted there was one 10. Total knockout chick, Holly. She was like if Margot Robbie had a sister but with a way better rack and ass. Blue eyes, perfect body/face, blonde short pony tail. I could not believe how fucking hot this girl was. It laugh out loud worthy. Some chicks you go right to VIP, consequences be damned, and this is one of those times. It wasn't even that expensive I think it was around 200 AUD for 30 minutes.
Anyway I get back with Holly, great two way, great LDK, amazing sensual great dances. She was outta there to vacation the rest of the week and next otherwise I would've came back the next night or maybe tried to do more, more than willing to get real stupid with my wallet. But that was it. This would be the best it would get here down under for me and I was happy it was damn good. Dreams would recommendation maybe catch a gem you could have a legitimate two way sc experience with, was a great experience even by American standards, nobody fucking with you either. Good times.
A U S T R A L I A N C A P I T A L T E R R I T O R Y
Canberra Strip Club Scene
-Home to the capital in Canberra. Not too much else going on here. Pronounced Can-Bra. I say it like Yogi Berra because that's how it's spelled.
-A couple clubs, both called Wanderlust, Mitchell and Fishwick locations. rules wise both seemed fairly normal. I don't know if they get busy enough to be dicks about the rules. While nothing crazy, seemed like two way touch was the norm. Standard $100 for 10 minutes. Not a bad rest stop if your hiking back and forth between Melbourne and Sydney.
N E W S O U T H W A L E S
-The most populous state and home to Sydney and a bunch of other places I stopped a long the way, Newcastle, Forster, Port Macquire, Coff's Harbour, Byron Bay and others.
-Saw the Opera House, I guess it's something you just have to do in Australia. And if your a Matrix fan a lot of the original Matrix was filmed in Sydney.
-Where that recent shooting happened in Bondi Beach, that's like Sydney's main beach. Always PACKED to the gills. Like many places in Sydney, good luck finding parking.
-I'm eating at this burger place called Paul's in Sydney, it's a famous place there. And this chick taking my order on the line is like one of the hottest chicks of all time. That keeps happening in Australia it's like, why is this girl not modeling right now? Hey I love it though.
-Hotel recommendation for Sydney: I stayed at The Mariners Court Hotel in Woolloomooloo. Affordable, and they got a lot you can park in and the location is just amazing right in the middle of everything especially for the price. And Harry's Cafe, a good meat pie stand, real famous in Sydney is right there.
Sydney Strip Club Scene
-My overall recommendation if you read nothing else is just stick more to the clubs in the western suburbs rather than the Sydney clubs, way better value imo. Less restrictive.
-King's Cross area clubs, there's a few. This is the packed nightlife area, some of the clubs here are tourist traps, and this is the only part of Australia where I saw some American style ghetto big booty chicks, particularly at World Famous showgirls. Fake stuff all that. The hottest chicks were at Harem. With one of the girls explaining to me you can take a stripper outside for an hour for like 4 or 500 something like that. I asked about it, they'd have to be comfortable with you but they were looking for a lot more on top of that to hook up so I said eh too much. I did get dances at Harem. One brunette chick with big naturals I was just horny and feeling this chick body, but there wasn't a lot feeling. 100 for 10 minutes. One way unfortunately. Light grinding. Rubbing my face in her tits lightly. Yeah it just wasn't enough mileage. She would say "Ooo Cheeky" Whenever I would be doing too much, yeah how about I slap them buttcheekys lady. Would not repeat. ROI sucks too much.
King's Cross overall feels tourist trappy to me. The other clubs not mentioned were Sydney Elements and Black Pony. Too restrictive/expensive.
-Downtown clubs. Bon Bon was like this real bougie club. Everyone is dressed all nice except you. Too expensive. I didn't think the lineup was all that but the staff here act like it is and you need pay up big time. Another one was Velvet Underground, you are indeed going underground, talent wasn't enough for me. Didn't make it to Minx. And then there's the Men's Gallery, which is like top name brand club in Australia but wasn't that impressed with talent like I thought I would be here, and the prices didn't make me jump for anything anyway. Did catch a busty well built asian girl here, you don't really see that a lot.
-Western Suburbs. You have Sefton Playhouse, Cheetah's and Petersham Inn. Sefton Playhouse, it's like a casino/strip club. A lot of asian dudes in here. Dances were decent, nothing crazy, limited two way, keep your hands above her waist, I would say but I met a pretty brunette with a nice body Imagine was her name, she pronounced that Imma Gin. She aimed to please as best she could. This happens in a booth to yourself. Also outside there is an asian skewer truck, it was good eating.
Then Cheetahs looks like a fun hang out, they give you your cover charge back in tipping dollars, so that's a nice at least. I was ready to go and a bunch of tip dollars left, they are like these heavy cardboard things, so I decided make it rain, not something I really ever do but I said you know what I'm gonna make this girls day. So I wind up like I'm throwing a baseball and chucked it. But it didn't break up and it all stayed together and smacked her in the ass cheek WHACK, the girl turned around was like WTF. I said Oh shit! and I ran out, I was not gonna deal with that awkwardness.
And then Petersham Inn. Another casino, in the front it's all a casino more old school than Sefton and in the back is the strip club, which here they also give your cover charge back in tipping dollars. Met a gorgeous angel of a girl who was aptly named Halo. Yet another blonde perfect girl. Nice ass, nice small tits, face was model level. She was a really cool chick, fun to chat with. I went and got 100 for 10 with her. Your right in a community dance area, no privacy but two way touch is ok again keep the hands above the waist. I have no problem resting my hands on her melons which I got to have some fun with. She offered to do the 400 VIP, I thought about it but this was early on in the Sydney strip club run and I just didn't know what else I was gonna run into but Halo here was gonna be the best I would come across in in Sydney, I wish I had done it now looking back, I think it would've been good. You just cannot find girls that look like this every day.
E N D
-Yeah I'd totally do it again. For sure would come back down. It was one of the highlights of my life, all the sunshine, palm trees, amazing beaches, gorgeous women all around, cruising through it all, while playing Men at Work records to death, at times it really did feel like paradise.
-Gotta do Perth and Adelaide next time. Perth you can actually fly north (at least from the east coast) over the north pole and down into Hong Kong change over and then into Perth. Probably one of the more isolated cities in the world, I'd like to hit it. And definitely would like to also New Zealand in the future, there is a direct to Auckland believe it or not from JFK airport, that is a brutal 18 hour flight. I'd have to be hyped up as all fuck for that one.
-Overall I am happy I did the strip clubs and not the brothels. Yeah. You guys are with me on that right, I didn't think it was a mistake at all. Perfectly good idea. Y'all with me on that one right! Hello? youtu.be
