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Muddy

USA

Many times walking into a strip club, you may have said to yourself, "I'm gonna marry that girl...no wait I'm gonna marry that one...No I'm gonna marry THAT one, yeah Barkeep another round please" either way marriage is in mind. Marriage, love's ultimate form, a binding contract that states you will spend every single second of every waking hour with this women for the rest of eternity...that plus strippers to me seems like a match made in heaven. Like peanut butter and jelly and gonorrhea.

Now I'm a firm believer in love at first sight, hell I do it multiple times a day. But unfortunately it does take a two tango. She's gonna have be into you too. Some signs to look out for are

-If she comes up to you asks if you wanna dance. I find this to be one of the strongest signs of affection. If a stripper does this to you it means she's the one and you need to follow her around all night money or no.

- If while dancing on stage she happens to make eye contact with you. It may be very quick, so what I advise is to sit right at the stage and with your head forward, stare very intensely at her. If she makes eye contact at any point it means she can’t get enough, look no further.

-If she sits at the bar the same time you do....Destiny.

-A slight girl next door method I've seen out there is if at any point she farts during the lap dance. It's a stripper's subtle way of saying "I'm comfortable with you and I WANT YOU NOW"

But I don't want us rushing into this. We can't just can't down on one knee right then and there. Let's be level headed and rationale. We're adults. We propose marriage immediately on the next visit. In the meantime we have work to do.

I've received a lot PM's asking me "How long should I stalk before I try to marry her?" I'll address that question here, I feel honestly a week to two weeks is just right. Of course we first have to get enough photos of her to create a wall sized photo collage for you room. When the collage is set, spread Nutella on your nut sack (hence the name) and play "Every Breath You Take" by The Police in the back round. Then get into the strip club and head straight for the dressing room. I want you to ask and find out everything about your future fiancée. Ignore screams and any questions directed your way, *You* are asking the questions. You need to find out everything about this girl, where she lives, what she eats, what kind of tampons, everything. Then hop up into a vent Die Hard 2 style and wait three days, you'll be amazed on what you'll find out.

Shopping for the ring. OMG this is part all the girls love. I wouldn't want to spend too much here though. I'm not thinking Zales or Kay, I'm thinking more like Ring Pop. Always go watermelon UNLESS your beloved is a black dancer then you go grape.

Now is the time. Wait no longer. Is somebody chopping onions? So ROMANTIC OMGGGGG. Make your sure ready though. Chloroform, towel and handcuffs in case you need to do some convincing. Head back to the strip club, Sit in the back of the club and wait for her to get on stage. Pay the DJ off, a $20 should work to play "Can You Feel The Love Tonight" by Elton John. Now hop on stage a get down on one knee and propose. When she runs, put out your hand say Stop in the name love all Supremes like. She was warned. NOW HUNT HER DOWN! I mean hurry after her. Once she's caught (she won't get far in stripper heels not to worry) bring her back to your dungeon/mom's basement and play "Love Will Keep Us Together" by Captain and Tennille on repeat as therapy until she says "I do." As soon as she does your all set cause there's no taksie backsies. May you live together happily ever after.

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