tuscl

The Dark Side of Dancers & Opiate Addiction

Maximiliano
Richmond VA
Thursday, November 20, 2014 12:00 AM
Reflections of Jennifer Again - Jennifer is dominating my thoughts - like some obsessive rhyme or song that you can't dismiss, even as you are forced to move along with other important head movements. I can’t get her out of my head. Now-- the picture of having seen her once again won't leave me. I'm almost distraught because of the way she looked! I can't get her image out of my mind's eye. I have been seeking her out in a local strip club now for around two years. Her beauty has not only captivated me, it has proven to be incredibly energetic magic that I enjoy merely when under her spell. As I have told her often, she is in a league of beauty that I would have never even considered approachable in all my years before meeting her. Now she actually frightens me because she appears to be on some kind of self death-wish…ready to destroy all of that incredible power and beauty! The horrible monkey-on-her-back is starting to rear its ugly head and is making gains on crushing the unusually powerful strength she had developed before heroin. Her dark addiction is showing the inevitable physical/mental decline I have seen in so many other addicts I’ve known. It makes me want to scream and to cry out loud in hopeless protest of this tragedy and social injustice that I can do nothing to stop! Her once vibrant eyes are now sadly sunken balls encased in discolored flesh that is pushed to the back of her skull with a definite zombie look and glaze that tells anyone: this beautiful young woman is completely drugged and out of control. It seems almost unlikely that she is actually standing and functioning. Borderline personality disorder is dominating her body language and she is nervous as she tries to focus on which of her many character roles that I fit into. This initially gives her obvious confusion when we first awkwardly reconnect (for the first time in weeks). Later she would say that everything is so crazy this night because ..."there must be a full moon“. The fact is, it was just after 10 o'clock at night and she was extremely busy (as usual), applying her craft: enticing men to enjoy her incredible sexual pleasures with skills and controls that only a true temptress could possess. Things were popping and business was happening very quickly for her… so much so that seeing me panicked her with a dead giveaway look of “…this is the last motherfucker…” she wanted to bump into and deal with on this particular evening. The club was packed. One man after the other appeared to be pushing into her aura as she performed sexual pleasures for them. Masterfully she does her job - the same way as always. Many of the men are her regulars. Most all are aware that she will not disappoint them. Just like me, others are convinced that she is the top attraction. The way she stays in constant demand proves that all of us horney bastards are right! I already knew this is the way it would be before I even came looking for her; so in spite of my desire to run up to her - to hold and kiss her passionately -- and to get a warm welcome back hug, I must control myself! Play acting is such an important part of the stripper club scene when you are mingling with today's hip-hopped Felliniesque nightclub world. It is usually best to never reveal anything to the observing public. Soon she makes her way over to the end of the very crowded and crazy bar where I have been standing having a drink. It feels really good that she finally gives me some needed attention. My infatuation with her makes it so very hard for me not to lose it all and embrace her by taking her into my arms for the kiss of my life. But of course, I kept all of that to my private fantasy and I just pretended she was some casual acquaintance stripper girl. That didn’t last long. Her beautiful body immediately grabbed my attention and my hands uncontrollably began touching her bare skin any place where I could discretely touch her. My heart practically stopped when she did not object to me placing my right index finger between her thighs as it slid across the top of her silky thong covering her sweet pussy. I was dying to taste her juices and to feel the moist lips of her fabulous vagina against my tongue. She eventually warmed up to me (a little), but she had so many distracting things around her that I could only get a few seconds at a time from her to partially focus on me. I could sense her mind calculating: who else is she around? Who are the others she is talking to? Who represents how many dollars (income) to support her out-of-control lifestyle on this busy Friday night? She knows that I have very little money most of the time. She also knows now, that whatever I have in my pocket she will have in her purse when I leave. So knowing that, it is easier for her to keep me on the side and hustle me while she continues negotiating with at least three or more other clients. It is really crazy, but I accept it because I know and must respect what she is doing because I know why she must do it. It makes me sick…but I am as addicted to her as she is to the drug that controls her every dark infused action. I know that she needs food, and that she is not taking care of her nutrition any longer. That really distresses me because I have seen her at an earlier time in her youth at her better physical peak. Now I look at her, and she displays definite signs of her rapidly occurring decline...and it kills me to see it while it goes un-noticed by her! I offer to buy her some food (which she needs and accepts along with several drinks). Even though I am normally a one-wine and out drinker, I too am nervous, so I am indulging in shots of Hennessey to calm myself down. Briefly and slowly she starts letting me back into our communication level of friends knowing each other’s lifes. She begins the familiar discussion of her complicated life. She is totally depressed, stressed and confused. I look at her face and her anxieties alone are changing the looks of her outer facade. She nervously and hushed - talks about wanting to go away to be in a detox program somewhere out-of-state. Briefly she talks about the need to stay in communication with me because she may be going away someplace and afterwards going to jail to take care of a warrant that is outstanding for her arrest. She has said things like this to me before; but when I have often tried to open lines of communication – she always flat lines me by never responding to any of my calls or texts. I hate that- but she says her need to be withdrawn is her reason for ignoring me. Whatever that means? Most of what she says I have heard before, but I feel a stronger sense of urgency from her tonight for some reason. Her lack of sobriety for so many years is taking a major toll on everything about her and in some way she appears to be reaching out and asking for me to help her. But when I try to offer possible solutions - as usual, she just backs away and doesn't respond to me. She makes me feel she doesn't really want to help herself -- so she must be confused about why some old man like me would even suggest wanting to help her. Her mistrust of men in general and their motives is certainly a major issue that she deals with daily. She encounters only the worst so she expects the worst from all men. I don't know… it is all so very confusing -- I feel I need to help her as a true statement of my friendship and the genuine love I have developed for her. I feel that if she would let me help her and prove that I believe in her, that she would allow me to really be her friend. Instead, I am sure I am just wishing that we were close friends while she considers me just another old fucker wanting her for sexual pleasures. Since she has a boyfriend addict (who she is also supporting with her amazing large income ability), I really have no more interest in giving her money for him and her. So in effect, I feel I am kind of forced to give up my sexual desires of enjoying her dances with me, (the pleasure of fantasy dry fucking her while she table dances for me and paying dollars for that privilege). Now, oddly enough, I feel I need to show her that my interest is beyond my sexual needs. That of course, is going to be extremely hard for me as she has awakened my sexual desires like no other woman ever succeeded in my entire life! However, if that is what I need to sacrifice in order to get her to understand that my desire to help is sincere, then my sexual desires will need to stop. That is a big "ouch" for me, but for Jennifer's survival, it would be one I would give up. After she had spent her obligatory dinner time with me at the bar, she gathered up herself, took the rest of my money with her and brushed me a short kiss on the lips goodbye. I had to "man-up to myself" that my few moments of bliss and an exciting Friday night were over. Now I was left with only good thoughts of being happy that I had at least seen her. After hanging around for another hour or more to catch a last glimpse of her - it never happened…because she stayed engaged in one trick after the other. I left with a bitter sweet memory of the evening. But since it was so easy to have been predicted, I just tried to go home happy and somewhat satisfied that I had actually spent time with Jenn. Since that meeting with my druggy heartbreaker stripper, I have done nothing but dream of her and think about how looking into that skeletal, yet sadly beautiful face, really hurt me to my very inner core. I feel she is losing the same battle that I have fought forever... and it sickens me! She is young... I am old. I will live... She will die. Before that happens I hope she will agree to have at least one more dinner date with me.

14 comments

  • carlos_spiceyweiner
    •
    10 years ago
    A heartfelt review, but obviously you need to let this go. These are fantasy women, often with serious problems we would never attach ourselves to. Addiction is an abominable thing,and there's really nothing you can do here. Best bet: Keep your fantasies in the club, and remember it's all about the money for these girls. Obsession is never a good thing when it comes to another person, especially a dancer.
  • Lappinme2
    •
    10 years ago
    Max I have to agree with Carlos and I'm sure all the others that will post here. You need to let this go. She was a rental fantasy, that's all. And while you drank deeply into that fantasy and embraced it's very depths you will need to let go, or like fire you will get burned. Let Dr. Lappin prescribe some medication for you. 8 weeks of Anewbitchol to be taken at any SC other than where your DS resides. Find a new DS, find a beginner that you can mold into a DS, etc. Next I want you to learn from this that you are renting a fantasy and that is a good thing. Thank goodness you don't have to deal with all the drama that your current DS is going to go through.
  • carlos_spiceyweiner
    •
    10 years ago
    @Lappinme2 - very well said, and I love the term "rental fantasy." That's all this is. The club scene is all about exchanging money for time and services--quite simply, paying for fun. When it becomes anything else, you're going to get burned. Dr. Lappin has the best prescription. Move on. This girl made her life into hell. You're not doing her or yourself any favors by walking this path. In fact, you're making things worse for both of you by enabling her addiction and putting yourself in a position that can only bring you suffering.
  • JohnSmith69
    •
    10 years ago
    This is not a dream stripper. This is a nightmare stripper. Get out now.
  • Deeb0Ne
    •
    10 years ago
    I would agree with the other guys. I've encountered a similar experience with a dancer. She's 24 now, still struggling with heroin after 4 years. We've had deep personal conversations outside of work. We had sex, I felt the same feeling of wanting to help her, but all she wants is someone who will enable her. Heroin is the worst drug. Ever. We still keep in touch, I have seen the true woman inside her and the beautiful disaster exterior and I have let her go. I had to. I gave alot of money to her, had a lot of fun with her, but it's best to isolate your feelings for someone else who will nurture them. Dancers are fantasy. It's a two way street, dancers need to isolate themselves to keep something that other people can't buy or use. We are all human beings. Keep things lite, have fun, know the rules. Never get involved with a dancer. Especially one with an opiate addiction. It's such an incredible obstacle to overcome. Offer moral support if you truly care about this human, but no more money.
  • gawker
    •
    10 years ago
    Been there, done that. I've "helped" my ATF through four stays in detox/rehab. She's been an addict for almost 14 years. She's going again next Monday. I'm sure she'll get blasted this weekend. Hind sight being what it is, I wish I'd walked away years ago. I haven't helped - I've enabled. Her parents learned this years ago and don't "help" anymore. She convinces me of her intentions because they are her reality at that moment. I've paid her fines, gotten her car out of impound, paid the back rent, paid the electric bill. I've been suckered by her every plaint and been shit on every way possible. My own stubbornness has led me to think that by hanging in there when others have walked away I'll accomplish what others have failed - WRONG thinking. I haven't failed - she has. Let "Jennifer" fail or succeed. It's not your issue.
  • carlos_spiceyweiner
    •
    10 years ago
    gawker, I went down a similar path with a dancer. I kept trying to help her while she just kept failing. The deeper I got in with my time and money, the more stubborn I became about it. I kept thinking that just a bit more help would put this girl over the hump and on her way to self-sufficiency and a better life. Instead, she just kept moving backwards. I'd help her forward with one step, and she'd take two steps back. She shit all over every thing I did for her. She had zero respect for me and eventually decided I was the source of her problems. The best decision I made (for the both of us) was to walk away. I keep jumping on this thread because I don't want anyone else to travel this road. It's expensive, emotionally draining and fruitless. You might find that rare dancer whom you actually can have a normal relationship with outside the club, but never bet on it. As someone already said, these girls need to insulate their lives to do this work. That means they give the appearance of caring about you while actually caring only about what you offer monetarily--even outside the club. Ninety-nine percent of the time you're nothing more than a wallet. Even the "nice" ones have conditioned themselves to believe that you think of their friendship as nothing more than a financial arrangement. Go to the club looking for fun--not love or friendship. Those are things only a true friend can give, not the dancer sitting across from you.
  • alabegonz
    •
    10 years ago
    The last month was hard for me because I had to make a decision whether to end it, I was going for the walk-away but something in my head said "Walk away and she will become even worse. Have you see her kiddo??? Know what's going to the kiddo??? Yeah, that's what I'm talking about." It's about the kiddo now. Everytime we see, I secretly put more time with the kiddo. My CF is kinda dumb for not seeing it, anyway she likes and I like it to have the kiddo see something good despite the things going around.
  • carlos_spiceyweiner
    •
    10 years ago
    alabegonz, the only reason I stayed around to help my CT was because of her child, whom I felt sorry for and quickly created a close bond with. I helped his mother so the two could stay together (his father was a coked addled, useless piece of shit). As noble as my intentions were, it was a huge mistake to continue helping her. I have every reason to believe things would have been far better for him if I stepped aside. She wouldn't have been able to care for him so the state would have stepped in and given him to a family that wanted him. Instead of being raised (poorly) by a nasty drunken pill head who made him miss 50 days of his first two years of school (life is tough when you're always drunk), he would have been with parents who saw to his well being and were kind to him. Instead of spending his time around a parade of junkies, alcoholics, perverts and losers, he would have gotten close to decent people. Instead of not being on the medicine he desperately needed to handle his learning disability because his mother was too interested in her own pills. he would have gotten the help he needed and done well in school. I've met strippers who were good moms and others who had their children taken away--usually by the state or pissed off boyfriends and ex-husbands who were sick of their shit. In the case of the latter, most of these women didn't even seem to care and tacitly admitted their children were better off. Yes, I've jumped on this thread again with my own tale of woe. There's an old staying: The road to hell is paved with good intentions. Nowhere is it truer than with strippers.
  • HungryGiraffe
    •
    10 years ago
    Max, don't be so certain about "I will live...She will die." Tomorrow, or even the next hour isn't promised to anyone. You don't know the day or the hour when either of you will meet your maker.
  • alabegonz
    •
    10 years ago
    "I've met strippers who were good moms and others who had their children taken away--usually by the state or pissed off boyfriends and ex-husbands who were sick of their shit. In the case of the latter, most of these women didn't even seem to care and tacitly admitted their children were better off." Bingo. We were having this conversation yesterday when she said her friend's kiddo was taken away from her and is now in a much better situation. There's one dude who openly admitted he would take steps to get her kiddo taken from my CF. She was so pissed about it and swore she would never see him again.
  • ilbbaicnl
    •
    10 years ago
    When somebody has a true addition, every dollar you give them is another nail in their coffin. Suppose a dancer banks with you, then you hear she ODed later that night? Won't it haunt you forever that she might still be alive if you had not put all that money in her purse?
  • Dougster
    •
    10 years ago
    Ok, that's the dark side. How about the light side?
  • Maximiliano
    •
    7 years ago
    Amazing! I wrote this story over three years ago thinking my SC affair with Jennifer was unusual and possibly unique with a handful of heroin addicts in the SC business. Was I ever dumb and naive? Of course we've all now become aware of being in the midst of one of the worst drug addictions this country has ever seen. It certainly is not restricted to strippers, prostitutes and desperate women in the sex industry. It everywhere and everyone. The pill docs and drug companies were the culprits who helped get it all started in this country with their indiscriminate prescribing of pain pills that once the addicted patient's scripts ran out they had to take to the streets to buy the oxy pills at incredible per pill prices that they could not afford unless they had a gig like the better dancers had with their astounding cash jobs. But when the pills got to be too expensive for even their large incomes to afford, it was easy to start smoking the cheap Mexican Brown Tar that has been brought into states all along the border for decades at a much cheaper price satisfying the ever growing epidemic of addicted people but creating real junkies. Then the transition to shooting the drug most always progressed with these poor addicts. The rest of the heroin story is now history and evident to everybody! With overdose deaths reaching proportions not seen since the horrible AIDS death crisis of the 70s & 80s that killed hundreds of thousands in the United States alone. As far as my DS "rental fantasy" Jennifer - she got out of the SC business and I'm told finally may have gotten clean and had a baby with her addict scum boyfriend. We all worry that the baby must have been born addicted...but that is another sad story that goes along with the thousands of young women who did not think that far ahead when they were shooting junk. As far as my addiction to beautiful strippers: at least two (maybe three) of the exotic dancers I have fallen in love with since Jennifer were also heroin addicts seeking cash via the sexual pleasures sold to old men enablers like me to continue their search for that super rush they found the first time they shot up, but can never duplicate again. My most recent love was the most beautiful ebony mix I have ever dreamed of and certainly someone who gave me the finest sex I ever experienced in my sixty some years of fucking beautiful women. I finally had to break it off with her because it got to the point that I was required to actually help her find clean veins anywhere she could locate one before we could engage in the incredible sex she sold me to support her ugly habit and sick lifestyle. Sometimes though I find myself wondering what is sicker...her terrible addiction to her drugs or my sick addiction to her fabulous sex? Kicking her as my addiction has certainly given me incredible withdrawals in needing her and wanting her back? Is Rome really falling again?
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