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• Dr.F

I was in Zona Norte, Tijuana (TJ), Mexico a few weeks ago (Oct 19th, 2013) and feel compelled to write this report and provide mongers, hobbyists, purveyors and otherwise horny deviants my insights so as to possibly contribute to their future enjoyment / success. It was my first time to TJ as an adult (but not my first time to Mexico or such establishments of ill repute) and although still clearly a neophyte to the TJ scene, I think my research and observation skills will prove helpful for guys considering a weekend visit to those precious few square blocks that the Marquis de Sade would undoubtedly claim as his own if he still walked among us. Let us begin.

About Me

We all know that your mileage / experiences vary in bars such as those found in Zona Norte according to various factors (appearance, personality, finances, time of year / week / day and many other happenstances), but let me describe myself so that you have a better idea of how I was perceived and where I'm coming from. If we have nothing in common, then it's likely your experience will vary greatly from mine, for better or worse…

I'm of European ancestry (ie. white skin, green eyes), 5'10”, 180 pounds, short blond hair, fit (but not hyper muscle bound), gift of the gab, quick with a smile / wink, and relatively conversational in Spanish. I try to always be upbeat and flirty. I tend to legitimately give a fuck and am not so cold hearted or out to seek constant revenge against the weaker gender due to some perceived injustice (I guess that means I survived my divorce without getting raped!). I thoroughly enjoy women when they let their femininity loose and are able to control their castigating tendencies, harness their emotional eruptions for positive ends, and curb their delusional thinking patterns (yes, that's about as rare as a pass completion from Tim Tebow, I know –- but this collage of behaviors is often found in strip clubs, which is likely why we seek them out).

I'm 44, but most women assume I'm in my early-to-mid 30s. I dress well, but not overly trendy or flashy, and I'm often told I'm charming and boyishly handsome. I worked in a different part of Mexico for about 7 years, so I have some language skills (although far from a native speaker and prone to constantly butchering verb tenses -- but hey, maybe that contributes to my charm!). I also enjoy Mexican culture and find native Latinas to be sexy and exciting, especially when contrasted with their lame counterparts in the States / Canada.

Reasoning / Rationalization

No doubt like most of you, I'm drawn to strip clubs because of the simplicity of it. I like fun, cute, sexy women who enjoy being physical (duh) and am willing to pay for it within reason. Unfortunately, our culture (American / Canadian and most places in Europe) have de-evolved into a total gender relations FUBAR. Thanks to Feminism, there is very little femininity among women; thanks to PC-ism, there's very little honest observation and commentary allowed from men; thanks to the growing Fascism all around us (still dressed up as a Democracy / Corporatocracy), there's very little financial / economic freedom.

We are at war with a Criminal Elite who are hell bent on destroying the family and they have continually targeted the potentially strongest resister to their domination and control -- men. I mean, shit, we all know that women and children don't make good warriors / revolutionaries, so the men within a preyed upon society must be distracted, undermined, subjugated, castrated (metaphorically speaking) and destroyed for a few deranged uber-rich psychopaths to be able to control so many people. I call it the “bitchification of women and the fagification of men” agenda.

Unfortunately, the Elite have enlisted our own women as their agents, and the female's general inability to think rationally and logically has made them excellent catalysts for family destruction. Imagine choosing (nay, demanding and insisting) to work a job in order to pay pedophile-prone daycares to raise your children, all so they can claim a “career,” pretend they are “independent” and then buy some more shoes and upgrade the kitchen counter top to the latest type of stone??!! Only from the minds of women, I say.

Of course, the Banksters and Politicos have made it VERY difficult for a man to completely provide for his family, so economic necessity often rears its ugly head and forces otherwise good, levelheaded women out of the house in order to chase a few bucks just to pay the basic bills. I get that, but keep in mind that I navigate the upper-middle class realm, where wifely employment is more about the status and material upgrades than it is about necessity / survival -- to the direct detriment of their children and husband IMHO. And this BS is constantly encouraged / reinforced through all the “weapons of mass social destruction” that women are so drawn to -- I'm talking about various TV talk shows & dramas, romantic comedy movies, fashion mags, fictional books, and social media dominated websites. Pure mind fuck for them, which translates into pure torment for you -- all by careful design, of course! Brilliant plan for global subjugation, but a diabolical one definitely not meant to give you that coveted happy face.

The irony is that the practice of going to strip clubs or sampling pros is often cited as contributing to family destruction, but I say the family / society is already destroyed and that's WHY men become mongers and hobbyists. If most North American / European women weren't such insufferable fucking shrews, hell-bent on nitpicking and undermining their men, then the vast majority of men would have no motivation to pay-for-play or even be engrossed by an average pair of tits bouncing on a stage situated in a run-down bar serving shitty drinks. But we do it and fucking love it because things at home and/or at work and/or at the establishments we used to frequent (ie. clubs and bars with no strippers or pros) create misery while draining our energy, ego, ambition and wallet.

Well fuck it, I say; so instead of paying $100 bucks for some pretentious appetizers and a few trendy martinis all for the “privilege” of listening to some delusional trollup (who works very hard at being a 7.5, but believes she's a 9.9) rant and vent about her worthless job and demented circle of back stabbing harlots, all the while glancing at her fake Louis Vuitton encased fucking iPhone in hopes of seeing little inane / misspelled texts in order to soothe her ego and confirm that she has any relevancy in this World, and then knowing without any shred of doubt that this fast-talking, cliché riddled mannequin would be lame between the sheets anyways, I decided to allocate my time, energy and resources to different pursuits: mainly, having happy face fun with young, sexy hotties who are (or least act) much less lame. Because let's face it, sex is never free: so why not know your costs up front and be able to dictate what you want in order to be satisfied and then be able to walk away NSA and focus on other important matters in your life (making money / being a better provider, de-brainwashing your kids, getting in better shape, exploring the world, establishing fun hobbies)? Well of course that sounds good, but it's no longer very easy or affordable in the States / Canada.


The SC Problem

Strip clubs (SCs) in North America and most of Europe have also (de)evolved along with society. I find they've become much more of a hustle and much less satisfying. A $20-30 three minute lap dance with no touching??!! Semi-attractive escorts who charge $400-plus per hour, but then up-sell on various services once your dick is throbbing??!! Come on. Shameful really, but chin up gents because the world still has plenty of pockets of affordable debauchery that can provide long-lasting happy faces. Of course, there's the Ukraine, Thailand, Philippines, Amsterdam, but for North Americans the main epicenter has to be TJ, no question. And one club in particular is the heart-stopper: Hong Kong Gentleman's Club in Zona Norte. It may not be everyone's cup of tea, but for this hobbyist and well-travelled ladies man, I have to state that -- all things / factors considered -- it provided me with the best strip club / whorehouse experience I have ever had. Truly. And I managed to come in under budget to boot. Read on if you have the stamina.


Mexico / Zona Norte

Look on a map. Mexico is a big country with many different climates, economic conditions and sub-cultures -- no different than the States or Canada -- so generalizations about the country are often unfair and inaccurate. The statement that, “Mexico is poor and dangerous” doesn't benefit anyone other than the Criminal Elite's agenda. Mexico has its small super-rich strata, a little bigger middle class that's still barely treading water and many poor (a sizable proportion of which live in truly appalling conditions, for sure), which is actually not much different from modern-day America. Have you been to Detroit lately?! The main difference, IMHO, is that Mexicans who live in Mexico “do poverty” better than Americans because it has been endemic for a long time there and social stratification / political corruption is well acknowledged. They don't like it, but it's as plain as the noses on their faces.

In contrast, Americans are still in denial and tend to have artificially inflated expectations / hopes. They have entitlement issues and are too addicted to materialistic pursuits. Most don't want to acknowledge the outrageous level of corruption that permeates their government, military, intelligence agencies and even most corporate entities. Mexicans are more realistic and manage their poverty / inequity with much more dignity and class. Talking to a poor American and poor Mexican (in Mexico that is, not a Mexican-American) are night and day experiences. I lived and worked in northern Mexico for 7 years, so I have lots of first-hand experience. Their family values and decency are certainly under attack and getting eroded day-by-day, but they are a notch or two above their counterparts in the States, where it's all about being cool and tragically hip to a clownish and laughable extreme. I mean, middle class white guys with decent jobs getting barrio tats on their neck -- WTF America?! And pull up those fucking jeans punk, unless you're trying to tell the prison population you'll take it in the ass without a fight.

Getting back on topic, just let me say that Tijuana is not pretty -- the pig doesn't even bother to wear lipstick -- but don't equate poverty, shitty construction, old paint and the smell of garbage with imminent DANGER. A good analogy to understand my point is riding in a taxi. All Mexican taxis are total wrecks with a multitude of dash lights on warning of various failures. All sorts of rattles / clunks / screeches are heard coming from these taped together shit boxes. The taxi drivers are all F-1 wannabes and the experience from getting from point A to B is often harrowing, especially to the inexperienced traveler. Over the years, I've ridden in many Mexican taxis -- maybe 60 times -- without incident, despite what I perceived to be some close calls. In contrast, I've taken Canadian taxis probably about 50 times and been in 1 fender bender and experienced 1 break down. When I lived in Japan back in the early 90s, I took taxis roughly 20 times over the span of a year and was in a serious accident that sent my friend to the hospital with a broken rib and concussion -- I just got a little banged up -- but this is a country where the drivers take tremendous pride in the cleanliness of their rides and the safety of their driving. Go figure, but that's my experience, so now I just chuckle to myself when I ride in a Mexican taxi and enjoy the experience, usually lightly ribbing the driver about his F-1 skills (or lack thereof).

TJ is the same type of experience: enjoy it for what it is and don't bitch about what it isn't. Besides, looks are often deceiving anyways. No question, the main crossing into TJ (by foot in particular) is one of the worst entry points into a country that I've ever seen -- no effort to beautify or make it look welcoming (walking into most prisons is probably more comforting) -- but put it into perspective and have a little chuckle. Don't get all paranoid / intimidated and let it put a damper on your whoring. Follow the crowd, walk with confidence, take in the scenery and get your ass to the taxi stand. Five minutes and $5 later, you're on the playing field for the game of your life. Just don't fumble the ball. And try to fuck one for the Gipper.

Tijuana is a big city with many interesting things to see and places to go to spend money on food / broads and create lasting memories, but let's stick with the Zona Norte where prostitution is completely legal and there is a strong police presence. Within the Zona, you'll likely be staying within a 1-2 block area that includes the best clubs: HK Gents Club, Adelitas, Tropical and Las Chavelas. All these places are literally within 50 yards of one another, plus the block is lined by at least 150 street girls (SGs) who stand on the sidewalks, plus there's some great taco stands there, so no need to venture out of this small area, regardless if it's actually much more dangerous outside of this radius at night or not. Why try to find out?

When you arrive in front of the clubs, I suggest taking a walk around the block slowly, getting the lay of the land, soaking up the atmosphere, checking out the quality of the SGs, and reminding yourself why you're there and what you're after. Review your plan / strategy if you formulated one prior. In short, my plan was to be hedonistic and enjoy myself, but not put myself in any significantly uncomfortable situations; I am relatively conversational in Spanish, so I wanted to engage as many women as possible, flirt and ask lots of questions; I'm a light social drinker in general, but I wanted to avoid booze altogether while in the Zona -- I wanted everything working optimally (big head and little head) and I don't need the liquid courage anymore (I'm confident flying solo and chatting up women and often find “wingmen” hindering now); I wanted to pick the best spot for me, narrow down the field and snog (British term meaning heavy make-out session) as much as possible; I wanted to keep on budget (I have the dough to spend, but I hate wasting it on women when it's unnecessary), which was $180 per night over the course of a Saturday and Sunday night ($360 total); finally, to cross back over the border each night without incident, jump in my rental and drive back to the hotel feeling satisfied with my performance (I was staying at the Best Western about 2 miles from the border).

The Zona is probably not as nice as you hoped, although if you arrive at night much of its shabbiness will be unnoticeable. The HK Club is the nicest looking place on the outside and actually very decent on the inside, regardless of your level of discernment. One door to the left is Las Chavelas, next to it is Adelitas, and across the street is Tropical Bar. I didn't spend much time in Chavelas because it's more of a cowboy's dance hall, but I did a couple of longer stops at Adelitas and Tropical, which weren't really my cup of tea as it turned out.

Adelitas used to be the cat's meow, as I understand it, and was a much-celebrated brothel some years back. It competed with the Chicago Club for supremacy and eventually won out. But along came HK Club in 2004(?) and soon relegated Adelitas to secondary status without any doubt whatsoever. Now, there are some mongers and hobbyists who prefer Adelitas over HK for a variety of reasons -- and that's just fine by me -- but it's smaller, not as nice, has fewer girls who are generally not as hot, and they don't offer any type of lap dances. However, I understand that the girls are cheaper by about $20 per 1/2 hour compared to the HK Club and the waiters (meseros) are less plentiful and less aggressive. Surprisingly, I found the girls at Adelitas less friendly, despite being inferior to HK girls. To each their own, but I preferred HK hands down.

Tropical Bar is across the street from HK, but a lot like Adelitas, accept a little smaller and they offer lap dances (I think). Not much more to say about it because it doesn't hold a candle to the HK Club. I tried the massage parlor / bar next to Tropical (Mermaids, I think it's called) and it seemed like a good deal until I got the run down from the top girl there. I was quoted $40 for a 1 hour massage (w/ up to 2 girls at the same time), but the girls don't really want to give you the massage because they make very little to no money from it; instead, they up-sell the sexual services. So for the hottest girl there (a little blond who lived in San Diego for a while, spoke great English and rated about an 8), she quoted $120 in addition to the $40 for a 1 hour sex session -- not outrageous, but those are the standard fees at HK (pro-rated to an hour). I declined, finished my drink and decided to scout out the SGs.

SGs quoted me between $20-40 for 30 minutes of sex plus the hotel fee which was very cheap (less than $10, maybe $5). Everything can be found on the street, from crack whores, to desperate grandmas, to cute looking 7s and even a few 8s. The cutest SG I found was named Claudia and she quoted me $40 all in for 30 minutes. I originally saw her when I was across the street from her “spot” while I was eating a hotdog. The chat went something like this (in Spanish) as I walked up to her:

Her: I saw you waving at me across the street. Let's go to the hotel.
Me: Actually I was just wiping mustard from my face (joking and smiling).
Her: Yeah sure, let's go upstairs, $40.
Me: You're aggressive, like a little shark.
Her: In bed, yes. Let's go, what are you waiting for?
Me: So what services do I get for $40?
Her: Everything of course.
Me: Oh come on! Everything, really? I don't believe you.
Her: Why not? It's real simple. $40 and you'll enjoy it.
(I just stared at her, smiling and appreciating her lively, playful eyes –- confident, but still sweet and sexy. I decided I liked her.)
Me: Do you like gringos? What's your favorite type of man?
Her: I'll tell you while we're having sex in the hotel. Let's go.
Me: Well, I'll think about it Claudia, but I have to get back to HK Club now.
Her: 30 minutes with me first and you won't even think of HK Club again.
(I laughed, lightly slapped her ass and walked away, but I will keep my eyes open for her next time, as bedding a SG in some unknown local hotel was outside of my comfort zone at the time, but I may be more adventurous during my next trip.)


HK Gents Club

I did lots of research on Zona Norte and all the clubs there, reading tons of articles, blogs and comments from mongers and hobbyists, many of whom are quite experienced and hardcore. Despite my high expectations for HK, it eventually surpassed them. It actually delivered beyond the hype (which is the exact opposite of what invariably happens in Las Vegas), although it certainly can be a treacherous minefield, especially for the inexperienced, the drunken and those who speak no Spanish. Here's a list of issues w/ helpful tips to help you navigate the HK Club:

1) The place is big, multileveled and full of women ranging from 6 to 9.5.
Take a walk around the place and see what it has to offer before you talk to any girls or get hooked into buying them a drink. Standing will deter some from approaching, but if you agree to buy them a drink, then you are probably limited to how much you can snog / grope them while standing or sitting on a bar stool. I quickly decided on a little booth in the back / left part of the bar, about 15 feet from the main stage that showcases the infamous Shaving Cream Show. Great location for seeing everything, private enough for some serious pawing, and close to the back stairs going to the second level and the back door / curtain that leads out to where many SGs stand. There's a substantial changing of the guard and influx of girls between 6-8pm. After this change, they seem to charge cover at the door ($4, but they give you a can of Tecate) on Fridays and Saturdays, but not Sundays. So, coming and going is no problem on Sundays, but a potential hassle on the other busy nights past 8pm or so. Take advantage of the little coat check at the register near the front entrance, because it does get hot in the club, especially when all the horn dog locals arrive in the later hours -- it becomes a real sausage fest on Friday / Saturday nights, but not Sundays thankfully (in my experience).

2) The place is a smoking environment.
Yeah, I'm an adamant non-smoker who can't tolerate the poisonous shit wafting in my face, but I found it not too bad, so they must have good ventilation. I simply moved when a guy lit up next to me. Some of the chicas smoke while they are working, but very, very few. I refuse to kiss any chick who smokes within a couple of hours of being with me, but it was only an issue with 1 of the 15 or so girls I snogged. I expected worse, to be honest. And my shirts the next morning smelled more of perfume and dancer sweat than smoke, so the ventilation must work well.

3) The place is packed with meseros.
Yes, there's at least as many waiters as chicas in HK, unfortunately, but you must get over this hurdle in order to enjoy yourself. There's also guys who peddle chips / / candy, an old woman who peddles gum, and an irritating little fuck dressed up as a ponce who blows a whistle and offers tequila shots directly from the bottle (I would have gladly paid a chica $20 to knock that fuck-stick out cold). Use these guys to your advantage and don't let them ruin your fun. I have experience in other Mexican bars and strip clubs, so I knew what to expect, but many guys who write about HK mention the meseros as the worst part. They shouldn't be though. If you don't speak Spanish, then they can be great because they all speak some English and some are quite fluent. Use them as translators and ask them about the girls who catch your eye. Ask about all the club's services and the related costs. But tip first. Most drinks / beer are $4, so give your mesero $10 the first time and $5 for every other round and tell him you need his help. Show him some respect, make him useful and he'll be your personal valet as long as you're not a cheap fuck or total prick. If you speak Spanish, then tip him the same amount and tell him in Spanish you don't want to be pestered and ask if he's cool with that. The problem is that the mesero you connect with cannot control the plethora of other hounds who approach you (not only for drinks, but also for appetizers and photos), so you have to master the quick shake of the head and dismiss them with a little hand gesture at the same time. No need to even speak –- they'll get the hint and not get offended; hell, they'll begrudgingly respect you if you do it with some flare. Another problem is that a hot girl will sit down with you and you'll want to buy her a drink and grope, but your mesero is nowhere to be seen; instead, another hound appears instantly and demands to take the drink order. You'll have no choice but to comply, although it would be a nice gesture to apologize to your main guy when you do see him for not giving him the business and maybe give an extra $1 now and then to keep the wheels greased. Believe me, $1 tips go a long way in this place.

4) Lots of girls approach you, unless you're a hideous troll.
You will be approached copiously, which is great for the ego, but sometimes disastrous for the wallet. You also have to master the brush off with all the chicas you are not interested in and not feel sorry for everyone who wants your hard greenbacks. In Spanish, I would just say, “Thanks girl, but not right now, later maybe.” I actually sat in the booth with one leg stretched out, essentially blocking the chicas from sitting next to me without my permission -- which worked nicely overall -- but a few still jumped on me (nearly hyper-extending me knee) and went quickly for the kiss and cock grab. They do this so they can justify (to themselves at least) asking you for a $1 tip in case you don't want to buy them an $8 drink. It's your call, but nothing wrong with saying “no” or “for what”? One aggressive little gal jumped on me while I wasn't even looking and almost knocked the drink out of my hand, but instead of being angry, I just said, “Now you'll have to work for that $1” and proceeded to suck face for a few minutes while rubbing her puss-puss through her bikini bottoms. When she (and the mesero) assumed I was going to buy her a drink and escalate the action, I pulled out $1 and sent her packing because she was cute, but not nearly as hot as about 5 others who stood only a few feet away. Why bottom feed?! If you do buy the drink, then there's lots you can get away with, but it depends on the girl obviously. Over the course of 2 nights I bought about 10 girl drinks (not including my VIP experience) and it ranged from full on finger-fucking, to playing tonsil hockey (making out), to sucking on tits, to conversation and cuddling. But, the drink session is a great way to gauge how the girl will be in VIP or the hotel, so make sure you partake and play wisely.

5) There are many levels of service and ways of emptying your wallet.
Girls will approach and ask for $1, which is essentially a green light to either grab their ass and/or suck on their tits and/or rub their pussies and/or give them a smooch. Better yet, do it all! Or you can approach the girls who are topless and give them $1 for whatever you want (within reason, or else she'll insist on a drink or lap dance). The next level up is the $8 girl drink, which can last anywhere from 5-30 minutes depending on the girl and what drink she orders. Here's a good tip: insist on beer and then pin her down in your booth with aggressive snogging so she can't sip her drink! It worked great, much better than telling the chica to drink slowly. My mesero had to applaud my tactics, even though he was frothing at the mouth trying to sell me another drink. Sorry dude, my wants always take priority. Next step up is the private lap dance: $21 for 5 minutes (exactly timed) in the little closets upstairs. Lots of mileage here, which I'll explain in more detail below. Then there's the $48 VIP experience which includes 6 mini-beers (in a bucket on ice) in a slightly larger closet situated in the VIP lounge near the front entrance. Tremendous mileage and value in VIP, which I'll elaborate on below. Finally, there's the hotel experience, which ranges from $50-80 for 30 minutes in the relatively decent hotel situated directly above the club. I didn't partake in that on this trip, but will next time. In fact, I plan on staying overnight in the hotel, from Friday to Sunday next time I head down.

6) The prices are not dirt cheap, but they are priced conveniently for tipping –- very important if you have to lean on your favorite mesero for assistance with the girls.
Beer is $4, so always give at least $5. The girl's drinks are $8, so give your mesero $10. Insist on beer for the chicas (even though they are mini bottles) because they are substantially bigger than the little juices some girls order. Remember that when the drink is gone, your time with the girl is essentially over unless she really likes you or thinks that sex in the hotel is likely. Lap dances are $21 (without coupon), so consider paying $24-25. VIP is $48, so leave at least $52, but consider $55 because the 30-minute time limit is more “flexible” than the 5 minute lap dances.

7) They offer coupons on-line, so take full advantage of them.
On their website, HK offers 2-for-1 drinks and half price lap dance coupons SO USE THEM! Present them to your mesero and write down some random e-mail on the back, that's all you have to do. Your mesero will take them to the front register to get permission, and then give you the thumbs up. The catch is that each type of coupon can only be used once per night per patron, but what's from stopping you from using more coupons with DIFFERENT meseros in other locations around the club? Nothing really, just write down a different e-mail address, preferably in slightly different hand writing. So in essence, you can drink 2-for-1 beers all night long ($5 including tip, which makes the mesero happy) and even better, get $11 lap dances! I used these coupons with no problem and when I gave the mesero $15 for the discounted lap dances and said keep the change, he was brimming. Why the fuck not gents? The chicas aren't wise to it, it won't compromise your lap dance, and you've saved about $10 to spread around for other activities. No brainer.


First Night

On my first night (Saturday) I arrived in Zona Norte at about 4:30 or so and was able to see everything in daylight and it wasn't particularly pretty, although HK had the most bling and seemed to at least have a vague concept of painting and upkeep. I walked in without paying a cover, got a little pat down, and then drew the curtain back to behold quite a lovely sight: a very modern and comfortable looking club with a few dozen chicas in varying degrees of flesh exposure. Not too many patrons at that point, so I explored both levels and then settled on a stool at the back bar a few feet from the hot tub. I actually had to call the bartender over to order my clamato juice (gave him my 2-for-1 coupon) and received 2 small cans and a glass of ice. I was immediately approached by a few chicas who kissed me, caressed my arms and grabbed my ding-dong -- well hello there lassies! A waiter popped up and asked if I wanted to buy a drink, etc. but I declined and sent the chicas on their way. Control gents, control.

I grabbed another waiter (Armundo) who spoke very good English and I asked for his rundown -- he eventually became my main guy. As we were chatting, they were lathing up the back stage with shaving cream for the infamous show, so I stayed for that and witnessed some lesbian action, but nothing too hardcore yet because of the lack of patrons. BTW, they seem to use the same girls for these shows and they are near the bottom of the barrel by HK standards -- same goes for the girls that inhabit the hot tub. The hotties seem to have a choice of activities in the club and they don't do much manual labor or anything too “demeaning” although letting a stranger finger you in a booth sort of redefines that term, doesn't it?

I then crossed to the other side of the stage and grabbed a choice booth where I could see all the action. Good strategy, as it turned out. I was approached by numerous cuties and started chatting them up and buying girl drinks for them if they seemed especially frisky.

1) Niki (8.5 body, 8.5 face) was a tall, light-skinned Venezuelan who told me it was her first night. I didn't believe her at first, but witnessing her nervousness and “deer caught in xenon headlights” look, I took her at her word. She said she had been in TJ for 2 weeks getting her paper work in order before they tossed her on the floor and was told to push sex for $80. As such, she was very hazy on the other services and I had to explain to her what was going on. I said I would like to go for a lap dance, but she was confused about that! She also couldn't understand my Spanglish as well as the other girls could, so I had to cut her loose after some light petting. She really wanted to stay in my booth and just chat / cuddle because she was unsure of where else to go. I told her to go dance on stage for tips, but she said there was a hierarchy and she couldn't get on the stages or bar tops being she was a newbie with no friends / allies in the club. I later saw her get snogged by some black guy while standing near a post and she was in wide-eyed disbelief -- it definitely looked like her first rodeo to me. Welcome to TJ: live and learn.

2) Veronica (8.5 body, 6 face) was super outgoing and gregarious -- she was into kissing and lots of crotch rubbing, so I sprung for a drink. Without trying to sound too gay, this chica couldn't get over my looks -- lots of compliments and staring. High mileage and it took about 10 seconds to get her price down to $60, which surprised me for a Saturday, but again, it wasn't too busy at that point. I later saw her with a little chica friend and I tipped each $1 to manhandle their tits and rattle their booties. Fun gals, but not show stoppers.

3) Mel (8 body, 8.5 face) had raven hair and really pretty eyes with fairly dramatic makeup. She essentially forced me into a drink because this chica sits down and immediately starts making out, tongue and all -- great move. She then grabbed my hand and slid it under her g-string and encouraged penetration. She tasted a little like tequila, which I didn't mind in the least, and that was possibly fueling her light raping of me. She also happened to have the longest nipples I've ever sucked on, and I've sucked on a couple hundred pairs of tits, so that was certainly unique. Again, she quickly lowered her price to $60 for 30 minutes of sex in the hotel, but I passed and moved on to the next little porn star.

4) Desiree (9.5 body, 8 face) was hot and sexy enough that she was allowed to dance on the main stages. She was short (5'1”) with short & curly blond highlighted hair. Great bubbly personality, carried herself very well and my perfect body type (small, shapely ass, toned legs and well-formed medium-sized tits), so I decided to buy her a drink and snog. She was into it and we talked and laughed for almost 30 minutes. Despite her relative hotness, she almost immediately claimed she would go to the hotel with me for $50, which was SUPER tempting, but I still wanted to sample, so I regrettably let her walk -- but much more on her below.

4) Lulu (10 body, 9 face) was very likely the hottest chica in the bar and was damn near perfect. Fake shoulder length blond hair, very pretty face with light colored eyes and a flawless body, quite literally. Perfect little bubble ass, toned arms and legs, flat stomach and nicely reconstructed tits. She knew she was hot and had an attitude. She refused to do any dancing, but instead hung out with her little chica buddy and gossiped and ignored the trolls who were forming puddles of drool in a semi-circle around her. She was dressed relatively conservatively by HK standards, but sweet Jesus, that fucking body was unreal. So when I saw her close to my booth, I just got up and approached and spoke the following in Spanish:

Me: Hi, you don't look too happy. Do you want to calm down in my booth?
Her: Oh really? Well, maybe I'm just a little tired or…
Me: Yeah, I just noticed that you don't look like you're having fun, so I thought I could help you (with a wink).
(She was slightly flustered and defensive, which was my plan).
Her: Yes sure, I'm not that tired actually. I'll be OK, so...
Me: Well, I only like happy girls who are sexy, so those are my rules.

Lulu's skin was so incredible -- well moisturized, blemish free, no tats or stretch marks, and soft as a newborn mink -- that we actually talked about it for 5 minutes. Not a lot of groping with this “high-class” chica and her price of $80 seemed quite firm. She also said she would not go completely nude for lap dances or in VIP; instead, she would keep her tiny G-string on that was underneath her super-short shorts. Despite these minor road blocks, I decided on a lap dance because I was getting her loosened up, laughing and she was shaking her derriere in my face (again, World's Best Ass, and this is coming from a guy who not only dates demented models on occasion, but actually had a swim suit model once upon a time), with potential for VIP, so I called Armundo over and gave him my lap dance coupon -- score! Now things got strange. She says she needs to go to the bathroom, but after about 5 minutes I get up and go looking. I spot her around the corner with her little chica buddy and both are enjoying a girl drink with a middle-age Mexican guy -- WTF?? She was double-timing me (lol) I guess. My mesero was surprised too. Well, fuck it, so I look around and who do I see, but little Desiree from Monterey. So I simply grabbed her and up we went for a lap dance.

The lap dance closets are upstairs and contain a little padded bench -- small but functional. Once I sat down, Desiree was nude and willing. Great chemistry between us, but here's the kicker: she stands up on the bench so her puss-puss is at eye level. Well, I know that licking the bird of a TJ whore quite possibly sounds appalling and even a little irresponsible, but believe me, it was fucking fantastic. Had the thumb in from behind and the tongue just a flickering in the front. She then started to rub and grind me, but we ran out of time before anything sticky happened. Simply put, Best Lap Dance ever.

Well, I chatted up a few more chicas, but I ended up leaving at about 11:45pm because I was worried about the potential foot traffic line at the border and plus my car was in an 8-hour lot -- bad call. As it turned out, there was zero wait at the border and my car was still there without incurring any fines or problems. BTW, by the time I left, it was very busy and noticeably hotter in the club. It was also a struggle to find some of the girls that I had singled out because of all the horny sausage around me. Oh well, good first night. The total damage was:

$12 for parking on the U.S. side
$10 for taxi rides
$12 on discounted HK drinks, which were clamato juices (including tips)
$60 for girl drinks (including tips)
$30 for 2 discounted lap dances (including tips)
$10 for miscellaneous groping
For a total of $134, which was $46 under budget.


Second Night

My second night (Sunday) also began at about 4:30 or so in the Zona after I perused the very nice outlet shopping mall on the American side -- all the brand name shops you could ask for. I also parked my rental car in a 24hr lot, so I didn't have any time restrictions. Sunday was noticeably less busy the entire night compared to Saturday, but I preferred it because you could track your girls down easier. The number and talent of the chicas were no different from the night before. Apparently girls work 9-hour shifts on the Fri & Sat nights, but only 8 hours on Sundays. I had a lot of good experiences on this night, but I'll highlight only 4:

1) Moshe (9 body, 9 face) was a short chica with a hint of Asian blood in her. Very chatty and fun personality and we just clicked. She was married to a gringo for 6 years in Kentucky (of all places), but never learned much English because her hubby was fluent in Spanish and did some export stuff to Mexico. They divorced because he was super jealous and controlling and she had some funny / bizarre stories to tell. I quickly nicknamed her Lil' Mo and she went on to say that she was at least a 9.5 in bed and her ex just couldn't believe the quality of fucking she could give (lol)! She also had a tongue piercing and explained the following in Spanish:

Me: Wow, you have a thing on your tongue, it must hurt -- both you and me!
Her: No, not at all. It's better for blowjobs.
Me: No way! How can that be?
Her: Well I go up and down slowly, first with some cold and then some hot (I think she was saying that she would put menthol mints or some liquid in her mouth first to cause different sensations), and the temperature difference feels great!
Me: Really? You sound very scientific (winking).
Her: Yes, it works every time. But, I don't prefer really big penises, so...
Me: Well, I'm normal sized, but mine looks great and is very clean (laughing).
Her: I knew you were for me when I first saw you. Chemistry is important, don't you agree? Are all Canadians so nice and handsome?
Me: Yes. Your talk of blowjobs has changed my chemistry for sure (with a wink)! Also, Canada is very cold so we need hot women to live and be happy…

She noticed my hesitance about sex in the hotel, so she lowered her price to $70 and increased the time to 40 minutes. I was after Desiree at that point, so I had to decline and Lil' Mo was mortally wounded by my rejection, in all seriousness. Completely deflated and pathetic looking, moping around the stairs near the back stage. So much so, that I came up to her 30 minutes later and gave her a nice hug, tender kiss on the cheek and a few bucks, just to try and make her feel better and appease my guilt. Plus, she noticed when I grabbed Desiree and headed to VIP, although she probably assumed it was to the hotel. Poor little thing.

2) Before I found Desiree, I was standing at the front bar next to the main stage (which had a pole and a big swinging ring) when some sultry looking chica sprinkled with tattoos climbs up. She was very toned, had medium size tits and long black hair with dramatic looking eye makeup. Well, this gal put on one of the best pole / ring performances I've ever seen. Outstanding. Athletic and sexy both. A very confident chica, almost intimidating. She was so good, in fact, that other chicas were gathering around the stage and actually TIPPING HER. Americans were mesmerized and applauding, which is no small feat because the high-scoring Broncos / Colts game was on the big screen directly behind me and late in the 4th quarter (Manning and the boys lost). Excellent 10 minutes of entertainment, then some rich looking Latino scooped her up for multiple drinks and petting upstairs, so she was unavailable for the rest of the evening. I even sent my mesero to STAND IN LINE with other meseros to try and grab her for some attention, but to no avail. You have to be quick and decisive at this place if you want the prime poon.

3) Just after the amazing pole / ring performance, I wondered to the back of the bar in search of Desi and stumbled on to the Shaving Cream Show. The difference, this time, was that one of the girls on the slippery stage was actually pretty decent (7.5 overall), so I watched a little more intently. Well, she ends up picking me out of the crowd that had gathered and invites me to get closer and rub / finger her lathered puss-puss. I wasn't really comfortable with that (nor was the lame American gal who was with her boyfriend and looking completely aghast at what was going on -- go back to Cali then, you chubby judgmental skank)! Anyway, I lightly shook my head no, but the chica wouldn't drop it. She then pointed to her pussy with both hands, thrusts her hips at me, and says “come here.” I smiled, a little awkwardly, and realized she was shaming me into it. I raised my eyebrows, trying to buy time and get out of the social obligation, but she was not having it. She then points at me and starts to rub herself and thrusts her chin at me, as if to say, “what, you're not man enough to touch my pussy?” Well, at this point, guys are turning their heads to look at me, and although only about 7 seconds have passed, it feels like 7 days. Realizing I was trapped (it wasn't the fingering I had a problem with, it was doing it in public with all the trolls watching), I was about to step forth and tango with her bird, when some 50-something Asian goof jumps forth in an uncontrolled fervor and drops $10 at her feet before he starts to grope her like one might scratch a dog's chin / muzzle -- WTF??? Never mind he's over-paying for the experience by 10x, but where did he learn how to navigate meat curtains like that, a Tokyo subway station??? Fuck, the Japanese are weird. Regardless, that little dork saved my bacon in a sense and allowed me to experience the lovely Desiree on a completely different level.

4) VIP with Desi was the perfect choice, as it turned out. We went to the VIP cubicle (small sofa with a table and flat screen TV) and chatted / nuzzled for a few “bonus” minutes while my mesero prepared the bucket of beer (6 mini bottles on ice). After he slid out and wished me luck, it was on -- we were both hungry with passion and essentially ignored the drinks. Totally nude and her vag in my face again, but I quickly escalated beyond that. I turned her around and went for the “magic thumb ride” which I've perfected over the years and usually ends in copious squirting (LOVE IT), but it didn't happen, much to my surprise / disappointment. Yes, she got very wet; yes, it seemed like she came from it (or great acting, including muscle contractions); but no squirting or gushing this time. Well, she wanted to return the favor, so she turned around and undid my jeans -- uh oh. She squatted and grabbed my organ before looking up at me. I didn't know what to say, literally speechless, so she then asked “condom”? I nodded, despite not wanting to put on the rubber, so she reached into her little clutch purse and rolled it on and went to town. Now this is a VIP experience, gents, believe me. The only thing even remotely wrong was this screaming sound I kept hearing coming from the VIP lounge. Well, I eventually popped a nut and out I shot, much to BOTH our delights, god bless her. We got the knock from the mesero and had a few minutes to clean up and dress.

Now, we still had 5 beers left after 30 minutes of full-on hormonal combat, so my mesero informs me that we should sit on the nice sofas in the VIP lounge and just enjoy ourselves with the drinks. Well fuck, this was turning into the never-ending VIP experience and I was in heaven! So, we walk out of the cubicle and into the lounge and see this morbidly obese Mexican troll, literally weighing well over 300 pounds, just rag-dolling this bottom-feeding chica, while 3 meseros looked on and made sure it didn't get TOO out of hand. I mean this fucker was putting WWF moves on this little girl and dry humping her all wild-eyed like some animal and literally screaming at the top of his lungs in ecstasy while doing it -- WTF?! You couldn't help but stare, mouth agape, and the meseros just shrugged their shoulders at me. Well, this whale's shrieking was becoming unbearable, but before I could make a scene and put an end to it, he must have ran out of money, because he then was quickly escorted out -- adios fatty.

By then, the VIP lounge consisted of Desiree and I on one sofa, 4 chicas relaxing and taking a break on the other sofa and 3 buzzing meseros. The lounge had a small stage / pole in the middle and some TVs on the walls -- nicely done overall. We were having a blast and it turned out that Desiree is an ICU nurse (she showed me pics of her in scrubs at a hospital), but she makes much more as a “dancer.” She said that nursing only pays $8.50 an hour, so she secretly works at HK Club and her family, who live in another city, don't know about it. I eventually decided to give her a very thorough foot rub (with the help of the lubricants in her purse), which drove the other chicas into an envious swoon. By this time, about 7 chicas had gathered in the VIP (no male patrons anywhere in sight) and they were all watching us. I eventually bought 2 more girl drinks for Desiree to extend the VIP experience to about 2 hours in total -- tremendous value.

To give you an idea of how cool the experience was, behold the following (in Spanglish):

Her: What's your favorite (physical) type of girl?
Me: You.
Her: No way, be serious!
Me: OK. Have you seen that video by Robin Thicke with the 3 topless girls dancing around?
Her: I don't know, sing it for me.
Me: Ahhh, no. I don't sing very well, sorry.
Her: Well, tell me more.

(I mistakenly thought the song was called “Good Girl,” so I sent the mesero to the DJ to request the song, but some confusion ensued because the song is actually called “Blurred Lines.”)

Me: Well, it's popular / controversial because of the nudity: the 3 girls are topless and hot, especially the brunette. She has a body just like you and I really like it.

(I send the mesero to tell the DJ to play the song, and within 30 seconds “Blurred Lines” is rocking the HK Club and the video is playing overhead in the VIP lounge -- talk about efficiency and good service; this place doesn't fuck around and all for a $1 tip to the mesero!).

Her: Oh, that's the “hey, hey, hey” song!
Me: Yeah, but wait, this video is totally different, the girls aren't topless!!!

(Strange, but true, in a country that allows the HK Club and many others like it to exist, they apparently censor what's accessible on the internet in terms of nudity. Desi tries the internet from her cell phone, and sure enough, we can't access the topless version of the video).

Now comes the cool part. After figuring out this little mystery, Desi senses my mild disappointment in trying to make my point with the video. As such, she say's “don't worry” and then proceeds to take off her fancy bra and stand in front of me and dance. She actually does a pretty good job of mimicking that hot brunette in the video -- dancing kind of in that whimsical, playful, almost goofy way, that turns out pretty hot in my opinion. All I could think was, “what a total fucking SUPERSTAR.” Granted, I'm paying for our little Hugh Heffner moments, but just the spontaneity and sexiness from this girl was off the leash in the very best of ways.

And then her good friend joins us and it turns out this new chica speaks great English because she was married to a gringo who lived in Windsor, Ontario, Canada. So we are laughing and Desi mentions my physique and the new chica leans over to feel my upper arm in a flirty way. Well, Desi isn't having any of that and says in Spanish, “No, he's my boyfriend; look but don't touch him.” And she was serious, which extinguished any of my intentions of getting a lap dance from the new girl as she really looked liked a typical hot blond California MILF (she was only 28 though). A little while later I think she wanted to get back at Desiree a little bit, so the following ensued in accented English:

Her: Did you notice we have exactly the same type of purse?
Me: No I didn't, but you're right, you do. Is that weird or strange?
Her: Well, notice how much thicker, bigger and more packed hers is?
Me: Yes, I suppose it is.
Her: Well, it's filled with lubricants, condoms and even mouth wash; this girl really fucks a lot, and there's your proof!

Then she laughs hysterically, without Desi understanding exactly what's going on. I couldn't help myself and laugh pretty hard too, but recover to say in Spanish:

Me: It's OK if her purse is big, as long as her pussy is small (which is probably the wittiest thing I have ever said in Spanish, and the girls thought that was a good comeback that saved faced for everyone).

Feeling very content and literally spent, I decided to get Desi's email / phone number and call it a night at about midnight or so, much to their objections. I didn't think I had it in me for a great pound-a-thon in the hotel anyway, so I begged off early so as to not tarnish something so special. My lord, what a great second night. BTW, the total damage was:

$6 for parking on the U.S. side
$10 for taxi rides
$12 on discounted drinks at HK (including tips)
$5 for a drink across the street
$60 for girl drinks (including tips)
$15 for a discounted lap dance (including tip)
$52 for VIP experience (including tip)
$10 for miscellaneous groping
$5 for three hotdogs
For a total of $175, which was $5 under budget.


Closing Thoughts

Me like, me like, gents! So much so, that I'm planning to go back within the next 2 months. I'll probably spend a night or two at the hotel above the club and bring my ear plugs. I realize the turnover at HK is very high, but I hope to bang Desiree, Lil' Mo and maybe take a run at the goddess-like Lulu, now that I'm much more comfortable with the lay of the land. I never was much of a meet / greet / fuck kind of guy -- I need some sort of connection / familiarity first. Hell, I might even explore Claudia the Street Girl too. I'll keep you posted. Cheers and happy hunting.