Governor Spitzer to Resign

NY's Governor Eliot Spitzer plans to resign this morning, 11:30 a.m. EST. Because of our inside connections, we were able to obtain in advance the prepared statement he will read to the media at that time. Recognizing that we are pretty much the only friends he has left, Gov. Spitzer decided to share an advance copy of the statement, specially for TUSCL readers only. Here it is:

"My fellow New Yorkers, my fellow Americans, distinguished colleagues and friends, and of course, my adoring wife, Silda.

"As I admitted the other day, I have committed acts that completely fail to meet the standards I have set for myself, both as Governor and as a husband and father. I will not go into the details of those acts. They are a private matter, between me, my family, and God. I will not answer any questions about this. No matter how loud you shout them out. Don't even try.

"While this private matter is something I will have to address in my private life, privately, I do not believe it reflects in any way on my capacity to continue to serve as Governor. I am still the same mighty alpha male I was a week ago. How I conduct my private affairs, in my own private way, in my own private hotel room rented under an assumed name, really isn't anyone's business.

"Nonetheless, as I said the other day, politics is fundamentally not about individuals, but about serving the public. I recognize that my political enemies will attempt to use this private matter to distract attention from the business of the day. Therefore, because I always put the people of New York first (and I will point out that I went out of my way in this instance to provide income to a New Yorker, even shipped down to D.C. for Chrissake!), I am resigning from my position as Governor, so that this extremely private, private matter will not be a bother, and everyone can focus on the People's Business.

"I have also wanted to take up woodworking, and that could consume a lot of my time anyway.

"I am sure that Lt. Gov. David Patterson will be a fine leader, and that he will be able to work cooperatively with the Assembly and the Senate to guide the Empire State into the future.

"As for me, I will continue to dedicate my life to serving the public. And what happens in my private life will remain private, and I won't talk about it. And so don't bother asking questions. As soon as I'm done talking, I'm going to run out of the room and slam the door, just like last time.

"I will say one thing though. I did not "bareback" Kristen. That's just a lie. And I didn't refuse to wear a cover with the other girls either. All I said was that my dick is so big (which it is) that I needed a Magnum condom, and that there was no way I was going to be able to squeeze into one of those itty-bitty condoms the girls usually bring. It's not my fault my cock is so huge, and it's not my fault that some of the girls show up without large-size condoms. But I never forced anyone to bareback. And I never did bareback, unless one of the girls let me. And in that case, honestly, who can blame me?

"That's all I have to say. And God bless America."