OK. Whose daughter wrote this letter to Dear Prudence?
Dear Prudence,
I’m having an issue with my father I can’t figure out what to do with. About 10 years ago, he kicked my mom out of the house and moved in with a woman that he met at a strip club (Brenda) who he then fell head over heels for. She was a nice woman but she didn’t love him (she said so). Then she died and it ripped him apart. He’s now living in a different state, and when I went to visit him he told me that nobody down there knows about my mother who died last year and that Brenda was his only wife and I presume also my mother. He didn’t acknowledge my mother’s birthday to me, but every year gets a hold of me on the anniversary of Brenda’s death to “remember her.” It really hurts, and I love my father, but I’m not sure I can keep up communication with him. I’m just so angry. What should I do about that?
— Over All of It
Dear Over All of It,
Step 1: Tell him you’re hurt and angry, if you haven’t already. Let him know how his decision to leave your mom for Brenda and kick her out of the house affected you. Tell him how you feel when he doesn’t acknowledge your mom. You deserve to get this off your chest. It might even be a good idea to put it in writing, so you can make sure you don’t leave anything unsaid and aren’t cut off or interrupted.
Step 2: Decide whether there’s any version of a relationship with him that would work for you. If there is, it’s worth suggesting. Would you be okay with communicating with him if he didn’t mention Brenda? If he acknowledged the pain of losing your mom? Are there things you would enjoy discussing with him or activities you wouldn’t mind doing with him a couple of times a year? Really think about what would feel good to you. And then propose it. If he agrees, that’s your new relationship. If he doesn’t, you have every right to decide to limit or end your communication with him.
