Fecal Ballistics and Turd Muzzle Velocities
Some people drink from the fountain of knowledge and wisdom.
Most just gargle.*
A lot of people are completely ignorant about fecal ballistics and have never even bothered to contemplate the “muzzle speed” of the typical human turd. Some people probably care very little about such matters.
But some people care a lot.
It is that irrepressible sense of wonder and curiosity, that insatiable quest for knowledge for the sheer sake of knowing that defines our species, especially those of us who routinely have trouble getting laid.* ( /photo.php )
In basement laboratories at universities around the globe countless geeks and nerds scurry around in their white lab coats clutching clipboards as they measure and record everything under the sun from the girth and weight of hamster testicles, to the ballistic range of hippo dung and the muzzle speed of human turds.
Hippopotami can propel their feces as far as 25 yards. This information may seem irrelevant, but it can be prove to be vital when you are planning a backyard dinner party if your next door neighbor keeps his pet hippopotami in his ostentatious, over-sized, kidney-shaped backyard swimming pool. ( /photo.php )
The muzzle speed of human turds is also a source of wonder. The muzzle speed of human feces varies greatly depending on the size and diet of the individual. Babies blow out turds at a paltry speed of about one inch per second. But a grown man on a steady diet of cabbage, beans, watermelon and popcorn can shoot turds out at an impressive 74 feet per second!
Who knew?
I just hope that my tax dollars are not being spent on this kind of research.
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- Yes, Icey, we are talking about you. Everything is always about you.
Comments
last commentMy community had deed restrictions. My neighbor has to keep his Hippopotami at the zoo. Although it's hard to distinguish the Hippo from his wife.
^ How far can your neighbor’s wife shoot her shit?
Coming out of her ass, I don't want to know. But it comes out of her mouth pretty darn far and fast.
That’s what they mean when they say you’re full of shit. 😂
And now I know why I like watermelon so much. Not only does it contain lots of L-citrulline to make my pecker hard, but it keeps my poop shoot firing turd nuggets at lightning speed to keep my AMPs happy that I am all cleaned out before the session begins.
reverendhornibastard can get down on all fours, in toad position, and then fire turds on the high trajectory, just like a mortar. So he can get you even if you are hiding behind something. And he wears a radio headset so he can work with a target spotter.
SJG
Have you been spying on me, SJG?
Mortar fire can be very accurate and very hard to evade. And then if they use a spotter, they don't need to see you, so you can't see them.
But the reverend's problem is that his turds are not all the same size, so they follow different trajectories. He's trying to find a dietary remedy for this.
SJG