Fecal Ballistics and Turd Muzzle Velocities
reverendhornibastard
Depraved Deacon of Degeneracy
Some people drink from the fountain of knowledge and wisdom.
Most just gargle.*
A lot of people are completely ignorant about fecal ballistics and have never even bothered to contemplate the “muzzle speed” of the typical human turd. Some people probably care very little about such matters.
But some people care a lot.
It is that irrepressible sense of wonder and curiosity, that insatiable quest for knowledge for the sheer sake of knowing that defines our species, especially those of us who routinely have trouble getting laid.* ( https://www.tuscl.net/photo.php?id=1679 )
In basement laboratories at universities around the globe countless geeks and nerds scurry around in their white lab coats clutching clipboards as they measure and record everything under the sun from the girth and weight of hamster testicles, to the ballistic range of hippo dung and the muzzle speed of human turds.
Hippopotami can propel their feces as far as 25 yards. This information may seem irrelevant, but it can be prove to be vital when you are planning a backyard dinner party if your next door neighbor keeps his pet hippopotami in his ostentatious, over-sized, kidney-shaped backyard swimming pool. ( https://www.tuscl.net/photo.php?id=1687 )
The muzzle speed of human turds is also a source of wonder. The muzzle speed of human feces varies greatly depending on the size and diet of the individual. Babies blow out turds at a paltry speed of about one inch per second. But a grown man on a steady diet of cabbage, beans, watermelon and popcorn can shoot turds out at an impressive 74 feet per second!
Who knew?
I just hope that my tax dollars are not being spent on this kind of research.
====================
* Yes, Icey, we are talking about you. Everything is always about you.
Most just gargle.*
A lot of people are completely ignorant about fecal ballistics and have never even bothered to contemplate the “muzzle speed” of the typical human turd. Some people probably care very little about such matters.
But some people care a lot.
It is that irrepressible sense of wonder and curiosity, that insatiable quest for knowledge for the sheer sake of knowing that defines our species, especially those of us who routinely have trouble getting laid.* ( https://www.tuscl.net/photo.php?id=1679 )
In basement laboratories at universities around the globe countless geeks and nerds scurry around in their white lab coats clutching clipboards as they measure and record everything under the sun from the girth and weight of hamster testicles, to the ballistic range of hippo dung and the muzzle speed of human turds.
Hippopotami can propel their feces as far as 25 yards. This information may seem irrelevant, but it can be prove to be vital when you are planning a backyard dinner party if your next door neighbor keeps his pet hippopotami in his ostentatious, over-sized, kidney-shaped backyard swimming pool. ( https://www.tuscl.net/photo.php?id=1687 )
The muzzle speed of human turds is also a source of wonder. The muzzle speed of human feces varies greatly depending on the size and diet of the individual. Babies blow out turds at a paltry speed of about one inch per second. But a grown man on a steady diet of cabbage, beans, watermelon and popcorn can shoot turds out at an impressive 74 feet per second!
Who knew?
I just hope that my tax dollars are not being spent on this kind of research.
====================
* Yes, Icey, we are talking about you. Everything is always about you.
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8 comments
SJG
But the reverend's problem is that his turds are not all the same size, so they follow different trajectories. He's trying to find a dietary remedy for this.
SJG