A few more...

It was at the end of the school year, and a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils. The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and said, "I bet I know what it is. Some flowers." "That's right" the boy said, "but how did you know?" "Oh, just a wild guess," she said.

The next pupil was the candy shop owner's daughter. The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is. A box of sweets." "That's right, but how did you know?" asked the girl. "Oh, just a wild guess," said the teacher.

The next gift was from the son of the liquor store owner. The teacher held the package overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and touched it to her tongue. "Is it wine?" she asked. "No," the boy replied, with some excitement.
The teacher repeated the process, taking a larger drop of the leakage to her tongue. "Is it champagne?" she asked. "No," the boy replied, with more excitement. The teacher took one more taste before declaring, "I give up, what is it?"
With great glee, the boy replied, "It's a puppy!"

8 things you'll never hear a man say...

1. Here honey, you use the remote.

2. You know, I'd like to see her again, but her breasts are just too big.

3. Ooh, Antonio Banderas AND Brad Pitt? That's one movie I gotta see!

4. While I'm up, can I get you anything?

5. Sex isn't that important, sometimes I just want to be held.

6. Aww, forget Monday night football, let's watch Melrose Place.

7. Hey, let me hold your purse while you try that on.

8. We never talk anymore.

Lol'd on the mixed feeling. Heard the teacher one before, but that's still a good one.

You can get moisture out of crack and coke easily

Like the vasectomy joke. The puppy one is funny too.

@THEEOsu I have said #4 before