A few wife jokes
TheeOSU
FUCK IT!
My wife just came in and said, “I don’t know if I am coming or going." I said to her, "Judging by the look on your face, you're going, 'cuz when you're coming you look like a fucking Down Syndrome kid trying to whistle!"
A guy gets a call from the police telling him that his house was robbed. The offenders had also consumed all of his beer and had raped his wife. A moment of silence passes, then the guy says, "I can't believe they fucked my wife after only five beers!"
My wife has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for the
worst. So I went down to Goodwill to get all of her clothes back.
A woman in labor is screaming profanity at her husband from her hospital bed. He says, "Hey, don't blame me! I wanted to stick it in your ass but N-O-O-O-O, you said that might hurt!"
A guy gets a call from the police telling him that his house was robbed. The offenders had also consumed all of his beer and had raped his wife. A moment of silence passes, then the guy says, "I can't believe they fucked my wife after only five beers!"
My wife has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for the
worst. So I went down to Goodwill to get all of her clothes back.
A woman in labor is screaming profanity at her husband from her hospital bed. He says, "Hey, don't blame me! I wanted to stick it in your ass but N-O-O-O-O, you said that might hurt!"
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16 comments
How can you tell your husband is dead?
The sex is the same but you get to use the remote.
Good ones!
My wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did.
She's 24, and her name is Roxi.
The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with
me because she can't afford batteries.
I spent $5,000 on a boob job for the wife. She was delighted. I spent another $2,000 on a nose job for her. She was ecstatic. I spent $2,000 on liposuction for her and she couldn't thank me enough. But I spend 50 bucks on a blowjob for myself and she goes fucking nuts! Women, I can't figure them out.
Lay them right the first time and you can walk on them the rest of your life.
**knowing that I probably might have been one of the guys to jump on your case.
ATACdawg, so true. They say comedy is tragedy plus timing or something like that. I think it was Solomon before he life turned to shit (kidding).
These jokes are funny.
The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim faced Alaska State Troopers.
“We’re sorry Mr. Wilkinson, but we have some information about your wife”, said one of the troopers.
“Tell me! Did you find her?”, Wilkinson exclaimed.
The troopers looked at each other. One said, “We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?”
Fearing the worst, the ashen Mr. Wilkinson said, “Give me the bad News first.”
The trooper said, “I’m sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife’s body in Kachemak Bay.
"Oh my God!”, exclaimed Wilkinson. Swallowing hard, he asked, “What’s the good news?”
The trooper continued, “When we pulled her up, she had 12 twenty-five-pound king crabs and 6 good-sized Dungeness crabs clinging to her, and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch.
Stunned, Mr. Wilkinson demanded, "If that’s the good news, then what’s the great news?”
The trooper replied, “We’re gonna pull her up again tomorrow.”
A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, ‘I don’t like the looks of your wife at all..’
‘Me neither doc,’ said the husband. ‘But she’s a great cook and really good with the kids.’
A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out. As he walked to the door she yelled, "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death." He turned around and said, "So, you want me to stay?"
My wife has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear up to it... you can smell the ocean.