A couple jokes for the new year

There were three horny dogs (A British bulldog, A German Shepard and a Mexican Chihuaha)

A poodle walked by and she says "Ill let one of you fuck me if you can use liver and cheese in the same sentence"

The Bulldog says "I hate liver and cheese"

She says "Nope that wont work"

The Shepard says "I love liver and cheese"

She says "Nope that wont work"

The Chihuaha says "Liver alone cheese mine"

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled
himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"

" No," he replied, "arthritis.

Snow in the forecast! The TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight.

I thought to myself, fat chance with a face like that!

OK it should be titled "several" jokes for the new year. :D

The dog joke was racist. I'm offended.

JS69, Don't ever look at the mexican word of the day post on facebook then.

My girlfriend said she doesn't need me, cause chicken finger herself.

My CF just got a new dog. It is a cross between a shih tzu and a bull dog. It's call a bull shit.

A young man has always dreamed on owning a Harley Davidson. One day he has finally saved up enough money so he goes down to the dealer. After picking out the perfect bike the dealer warns him that if he leaves his Harley in the rain the chrome has a tendency to rust. He tells the young man an old biker's trick is to keep a jar of Vaseline handy and smear it on the chrome if the bike must be left out in the rain.

A few months later the young man meets a woman and falls in love. She asks him to come home and meet her parents over dinner. He readily agrees and the date is set. At the appointed time he picks her up on his Harley and they ride to her parents house. Before they go in she tells him that they have a family tradition that whoever speaks first after dinner must do the dishes.

After a delicious dinner everyone sits in silence waiting for the first person to break and get stuck doing the dishes. After a long fifteen minutes the young man decides to speed things up so he reaches over and kisses the
woman in front of her family.

And no one says a word...! Next he decides to take a more direct approach so he throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of everyone. And still no one says a word...!!! Now he is getting desperate, so he grabs her mother and throws her on the table. They have even wilder sex. But no one says a word...!!!!

By now he is getting very worried and is wondering what to do next when he hears thunder in the distance. His first thought is to protect the chrome on his Harley, so he reaches in his pocket and pulls out the Vaseline. And the father says, "Okay dammit, I'll do the dishes.

"Mister, why doesn't this cow have any horns?" asked the blonde lady from a nearby city when she visited a farm. The farmer cocked his head for a moment, then began in a patient tone, "Well, ma'am, cattle can do a powerful lot of damage with horns. Sometimes we keep em trimmed down with a hacksaw. Other times we can fix up the young 'uns by puttin' a couple drops of acid where their horns would grow in, and that stops 'em cold. Still, there are some breeds of cattle that never grow horns. But the reason this cow don't have no horns, ma'am, is 'cause it's a horse."

An Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man asks What is wrong??
The boy says Me ma is dead. Oh bejaysus the man says Do you want me to call Father ORiley for you?
The boy replies No tanks mister, sex is the last ting on my mind at the moment.

Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away. But since many doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works best!

I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself I'm going to take that.

Lmfao

Nice work OSU

What's the difference between Obama and God?
God doesn't think he's Obama


What does Barack Obama call illegal aliens?
Undocumented democrats.

It's so cold this winter, Obama is keeping his hands in his own pockets!

If Obama controlled Halloween, would he take all the candy from the kids that trick-or-treated and give it to the kids that didn't trick-or-treat? Why won't Obama laugh at himself?

What does Obama do after a wet dream?
Get up and screw the country.


Barack Obama and Joe Biden are on a plane.
Suddenly Joe Biden says I can throw 100 dollars out of this plane and make 100 people happy.
Barack says I can throw 1000 dollars out of the plane and make 1000 people happy.
The pilot over heard this and said, "I can throw both of you out of this plane and make the whole country happy."

Why won't Obama laugh at himself?
Because it would be racist.

*fixed* :D

A man walks into a bar with a steering wheel between his legs and the barman says, "You've got a steering wheel between your legs!"
The man replies, "I know its driving me nuts!"


A man walks into a bar with a set of jumper cables around his neck. The bartender points at him and says, " I'm gonna let you in this time, but don't you start anything"!

A drunk man walks out of the bar and sees a nun standing at the bus stop. He walks up to her and punches her in the face. When she is on the ground crying he says," Not so tough are you now Batman!"

Two blondes walk into a tanning salon. The receptionist asks, "Are you two sisters?"

They chuckled and reply, " No, we aren't even Catholic."