tuscl

Breaking News: Trump Resigns!

Monday, November 14, 2016 4:26 PM
In an announcement as shocking as the election result itself, Donald Trump has resigned as president-elect in order to appear on the next season of Dancing With The Stars. Trump was quoted as saying, "To be honest, I never really wanted to be president. I was hoping to squeeze my way onto Dancing With The Stars, and it wasn't looking good, so I thought I would run for president as a backup plan. Also, Melania really wanted me to run for president and I thought pouring millions into a campaign would be cheaper than a divorce." There are three finalists competing to be Trump's dance partner. Trump said, "Listen, each one of them is a hot piece of ass. I couldn't pass up this opportunity. The presidency will always be there. It's not going away. Dancing With The Stars, however, may not be around much longer." Trump continued, "It is true that I have really good words. I have the best words in fact. Now I'm going to show the world that I have even better dance moves." An anonymous source said that for Trump's first dance, he will be performing to Pink Floyd's 'Outside the Wall' from their hit album The Wall. Upon hearing the news, thousands of performers from Mexico's underground hat dancing circuit, stopped mid-song and rushed above ground to the streets to celebrate. Many were yelling and while it is unclear what they were saying, it is believed that they were using the more personal tu form as opposed to the formal usted. A few were even thought to be using vos. Stay tuned for more news as details emerge. *President-elect Trump: Just having some fun. Please don't deport me! :)

16 comments

  • san_jose_guy
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    8 years ago
    Trump is now strategizing how to use electronic surveillance to get guys like you. SJG
  • twentyfive
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    8 years ago
    He is probably uniquely qualified to be on "Dancing With the Stars", i look forward to his interpretation of the Charles Durning dance scene from "The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas" it actually starts about 1:30 into the clip [view link]
  • vincemichaels
    •
    8 years ago
    Bring it, Trumpie. I hear the footage he has on you, s_j_guy is priceless !!
  • sclvr5005
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    8 years ago
    Ya know what's more horrifying than a Trump presidency? Having that rightwing douche bag Pence taking over. He almost makes Trump seem normal in comparison.
  • san_jose_guy
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    8 years ago
    Really, Pence worse? As a sitting governor, I would think he is more responsible than Trump. Others see Pence as worse? SJG
  • sclvr5005
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    8 years ago
    ^^No. Pence is an extreme conservative right wing religious zealot. Would no doubt try to focus on social issues and try to set the country back 50 years. He's a real piece of work. He makes Trump look like a liberal in comparison. The only good thing is that Pence got a good taste of businesses threatening to back out of Indiana when he tried to install that discriminatory referendum directed at gays that allowed businesses to not serve anyone they wanted based on religious preferences. Hopefully that was a wake up call for him and he knows better than to try that shit again.
  • NinaBambina
    •
    8 years ago
    Pence is infatuated with taking away rights from LGBT (advocates conversion therapy, which has proven not be efficient and imo is scientifically unethical). His stance against women's reproductive rights is appalling. The fact that he'd be next in line is scary. He is a religious nut with too many screws loose to be sane.
  • ThereAndBackAgain
    •
    8 years ago
    @theWholeEnchilada you write well (or whoever the author is). I thought I was reading an unedited Borowitz report for a second.
  • TheWholeEnchilada
    •
    8 years ago
    Thank you. :)
  • MrDeuce
    •
    8 years ago
    SJG, true lefties (such as sclvr and Nina) hate Pence even more than they hate Trump because he's actually a conservative, whereas Trump just pretends to be. As a true leftie yourself, you'll hate Pence soon enough.
  • san_jose_guy
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    8 years ago
    Thanks for the heads up about Pence. SJG
  • crsm27
    •
    8 years ago
    Here is the thing everyone keeps forgetting..... Most of the stuff a president wants to pass has to go through the house and senate. So they sky isn't falling and trump cant just come in and start to do all sorts of stuff. The only thing is all the "executive orders" that Obama has done.... he can stop them or repeal them. Or he can make those same type of "orders". Which again.... some of the stuff he talked about in his campaign.... are not executive orders... more like laws. So again... Sky isn't falling... plus he isn't even in office yet.
  • san_jose_guy
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    8 years ago
    With Paul Ryan being one of the Republican leaders, this is a dire situation. SJG
  • DoctorPhil
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    8 years ago
    @san_jose_guy why don't you shut the fuck up? you didn't even know who the vice president elect was.
  • crsm27
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    8 years ago
    @sjg.... Don't you remember Ryan said he wouldn't endorse trump at one point in time. It is funny how many forgot that lots of Republicans in congress didn't like trump. So to think they will fall in line with anything he wants to do is crazy.
  • san_jose_guy
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    8 years ago
    All it would take is the President, the Democrats, and just a bit more than 1/3 of the Republicans and the Constitution could be amended right now to eliminate the electoral college, effective for this election. We could ask those most qualified, the 8 sitting justices of the Supreme Court, to write the amendment. Sometimes it is strange crises which force progress. Bring the United States forward out of the 19th Century. Otherwise with this claim of weekly contact with Russians and the FBI announcements, it's "What did Trump know and when did he know it?" As it will be necessary to impeach him and require the same congressional 2/3rds. Obama missed his FDR moment when he failed to nationalize or even re-regulate the banks. Well now on his way out he can have an even greater moment by finally fixing our system so that every vote counts, and averting a disaster of epic proportions. Governing the most powerful nation in the world is nothing like a sporting match, as the stakes are so much higher. We all need therefore to think very hard about what is needed, and then do it. SJG
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