Reminders On Why I'm Not Married Anymore

I've been divorced for almost 13 years. During that time I have been fortunate enough to have only come face to face with her twice. During the first 2 years my daughter made several attempts to set me up. I put the damper on every one of those attempts. I didn't get raped financially during the divorce but 27 years of a shitty marriage is enough to convince me to never want to try that again.

I'll be 74 next week and I have a 21 yo stripper that has agreed to meet me OTC to celebrate. Why would I ever want to go back to married life?

"27 years of a shitty marriage"

Was it really that bad, shadow? I'm not trying to pry in your personal business by the way. I'm just curious if marriage is as bad as many people on this board say it is

GoVikings - I can't speak for every one. During the mediation process, required in Georgia, the female mediator asked my ex wife who the kids would support in a formal divorce procedure and she had to answer "Him". Neither of her 2 daughters have spoken to her in years and credit me with being the parent that raised them.

"Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same thing."--Oscar Wilde

sc,

I'd get clobbered with that question! My goal, when I married those 45+ years ago was to be able to, financially, allow my wife to stay home and be a mother (married 7 years before the kids). I was able to do that and she raised two great kids, a son and daughter.

These days, the son is much closer to his mother and my daughter to me. The reason, I believe is as my wife says, "She (daughter) is so much like her father!" I concur and the flip is true as well and he his like his mother.

Bottom line, I guess it's worked.

Been divorced 2 years. Would never, ever, do it again. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

I also like the freedom the OP describes. It's liberating. Best feeling in the world is when I go clubbing and know that I don't have to be home at a certain time. Or explain where I was or what I was doing. I can do what I want, when I want and with whoever I want.

Go Vikings - I don't know about shadow, but my relationship (marriage) was good for about 8 of the 11 years we were together. But those three were hell and not something I'd want anyone outside of an enemy to go through.
Even now we get along quite well, but she does things every now and then which remind me why I'm glad we're not together.
I have a friend who remarried after a being divorced for a long time and he says he couldn't be happier and hadn't had an argument with his wife in the 10 plus years they've been together so it's possible to have a good marriage.
I also have friends who are married but not looking for divorce who say they would never remarry if they became single again.

+1 Jack - that's a great quote.

Marriage is bad for all parties involved. I walked away from mine 5+ years and will never marry again. I am definitely open to dating civvies, but no marriage.

When I was a married man I never strayed, worked long hours to give her anything and everything she ever wanted, and all it got me was heart ache when she left me for "someone fun" who later couldn't support her long term for the lifestyle she was use to living. She tried to extort me through alimony so she could still party and keep me paying for it, but once that ended she "sang the blues" to everyone, trying to make me feel guilty or something. Seems to be her good time boy-toys just are not the working type (go figure). Now I still work hard and make good money, but spend it to make me happy. I can do what or who I want, and don't feel guilty about it. And if I financially am helping out single moms (strippers), all the better! I've got a buddy who keeps asking me when I'm gonna get remarried (right after he bitches about every thing going on with him and his wife. I tell him its been 13 years now and I couldn't be happier.

The happiest day of my adult life was the day of my divorce. I have said many times: " There are 3.5 billion women on this earth, why would I want to stay with just one?"

shadow and rh48hr and the rest---thanks for the feedback

its interesting to me how people can be married for YEARS (10, 15, 20, sometimes even longer) and then something in the relationship causes them to never want to be together anymore. not only that, but many ppl express just how HAPPY and THRILLED they were once they got divorced. i don't know, it just seems like when you put that many years into something and it doesn't work out---it really makes me want to be cautious and very carefully consider whether i want to ever tie the knot. and i realize EVERY marriage isn't like that. there are definitely marriages that last forever and i'd imagine that's a great feeling. but most ppl in this thread have expressed that they don't miss it, so perhaps the marriages that last are in the minority?

my parents marriage didn't last either. they were married for like 15 years. what's really crazy though is that my grandpa and his 3rd wife were married for 40 years (FOURTY) and they recently got divorced. i can't even put into words how shocked i was when i heard that.

I could see myself kids with a longtime girlfriend, but not getting married.

GoVikings - I think that in a lot of those divorces after decades, the 'spark' had probably been gone for a while before they even considered calling it quits. Some people spend years trying to make it work, some eventually cheat which ends the marriage, some people wait until they're financially secure or until the kids are out of the house. They probably pretended to be happy about it in front of people for a while.

I have some of the same sentiments as you. So many marriages end badly and so many people these days do not take their seriously to me, or so it seems. My mom has 4 or 5 ex-husbands (I thought there were 5 but I can't recall a fifth). She left every single one. She admitted to me that only 2 actually gave her butterflies, my dad (1st husband) and another guy (2nd husband). I could see her having a lifelong, happy marriage with either of them, given the right circumstances. My dad tried to get back with my mom for a good 10+ years after she left him, until he gave up because there grew so much hatred between them over several custody battles for me and my sister. Now, ironically, I think she regrets leaving him. And his 2nd wife was a mail order bride who he hated for years until they finally made it work after having a couple kids of their own. There's no passion, but my middle class dad is settling for it and has his dream of raising kids with a wife who won't divorce him. I bet they never get divorced.

So although my parents got divorced, they created a beautiful blessing for mankind - my sister and I. Twins!

Hopefully when I do get married, which I doubt I'll be ready for until I'm like 30, it is amazing and lasts til death do us part. I will do everything to keep it a happy marriage and keep my end of the bargain. Lol. But if it doesn't work, I at least want to pop out a couple of beautiful children first.

I figure if she can put up with me for 30 years, plus the time before we married, I prolly have nothing to worry about.

Don't worry, I'm not gonna get all pious and self-righteous about what makes a good marriage and where everybody else has gone wrong. Truth is, I got no idea, beyond honesty in all things. But I've seen that one fail in others' marriages, so it ain't that, or at least ain't *just* that.

Marriage is slowly becoming obsolete. That happily forever after shit only exists in movies and fairy tales.

^^^Exactly

Generations sure change. My parents were married for 49 years. Dad passed away 3 months after Mom. I never got married or had a family. Not sure why, I would have liked a family

In my family and my wife's family, marriages all lasted until death (51, 55, 57, 61 and 69 years, respectively). I made 25 years and don't know how I will make 26 sometimes. We had sex 0 times in 2015 and just 1 time in each of 2014, 2013 and 2012. Early on, at its best, we probably had sex 1 or 2 times a month (which wasn't enough, but whatcha goin do). in recent years, to keep from driving head on into traffic, now I club it. Sometimes the ITC and (rare) OTC seems like enough -- other times it seems shallow and unsatisfying. I probably need help. I have always speculated that men are only as faithful as their options allow.

I have no idea what the end game will be. I can't see my interest in sexual gratification diminishing nor can I see hers reinvigorating.

My advice to all you youngsters contemplating marriage -- make DAMN sure you are genuinely on the same page regarding money and sex. Disagreement over one or the other results in a lifetime of misery for someone.

^^^ Agree. Most are only as faithful as their options allow. True.

"Marriage is bad for all parties involved."

I agree with this fully!

The worst way the average guy could hurt a woman is to give her what she wants and marry her and try to be a good husband.

And women always get themselves into trouble by the idiotic things they say when they open their mouths.

SJG

I've been married since 1969. My wife now has Alzheimer's. The bad news is have to take care of her 24/7. The good news: she doesn't remember when I fuck up.
Marriage was generally a good thing for me: it's just amazing that she put up with me this long.

While TUSCL offers great input on many subjects, it may not be the best forum to discuss a good marriage. Most if not all the males are here because their marriage was not good. I am married (23 years), mine is mostly good, with the exception of the intimacy. I am married to a great friend.

Of the male members on TUSCL I see that we break down into the following categories:

1. Married or Divorced, and very down on marriage.
2. Married and okay about marriage, but having a marriage where they can fuck other women without having to hide it. They have permission, so the marriage is open.
3. Never having been married and justifiably leery of it.

Doesn't seem to be anyone who sees marriage in any conventional sense to be desirable or a goal to pursue, or an ideal to aspire to.

Am I correct?

SJG

Dizzy Gillespie Live In Belgium '58 & Denmark '70
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BXzVi4c3…

RTP, I've not seen you post before. You say, "I am married (23 years), mine is mostly good, with the exception of the intimacy. I am married to a great friend."

Yes of course I agree with you that TUSCL is a warped place. But what have you been doing, reviewing 47 clubs all over the map? Does your wife know what you do?

When you got married were you expecting to practice monogamy?

SJG

I guess some just aren't good at it. All my aunts, uncles, grandparents, parents, and in-laws all made 50 years and none divorced.

So Clubber, do you place these long term married relations into a category of being more moral than we are?

If you think that way, why aren't you trying to live as they did?

I think there are other things going on. But also, I would rather die than live the life of my long term married parents or grandparents. Their marriages were simply to keep up appearances and they depended upon the exploitation of children. They were death traps, and they were also evil.

SJG

Yeah; clubs are great offering JITP (Just In Time Pussy)

SJG, please stop projecting your horrible marriage on to everyone else. You sound strange. Maybe your wife divorced you for mental cruelty?

"Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same thing."

" Early on, at its best, we probably had sex 1 or 2 times a month (which wasn't enough, but whatcha goin do). in recent years, to keep from driving head on into traffic, now I club it"


LOLz

Marriage seems like a huge commitment – like many big decisions; it should be something a person really wants and w/ a person one wants to really be with.

Marriage may not necessarily be for everyone; so many people may get married b/c “it's what's expected or them” - so some people get married that shouldn't or get married when the are not ready yet.

And many people may settle (consciously or subconsciously) and may pick a mate so they can be married rather than it being someone they really want-to/should be with and then one feels/are stuck.

A while back I was watching an interview of a journalist whom had done a story/research/interviews with octogenarians about life in general – and the journalist said that one thing that surprised him is how many of the octogenarians said they thought they had married the wrong-person (even if they were never divorced) – could be a generational-thing (people getting married for the wrong-reasons back-then?) or a a case of the grass been greener on the other side?

I think most people have gotten to a point where no one wants to try and fix things anymore and it's easier to quit then to try and work it out. In some cases working it out is not feasible. You also see so many more divorces now so it's not taboo as it used to be.

Quite frankly I didn't want the divorce stigma. But it doesn't bother me like it did right after the divorce. My parents were married 46 years, my grandparents on both sides were married till death did they part. My ex's parents and grandparents never divorced. I waited awhile to get married so I felt pretty good I had found the right person. But she suffers from a mental illness (which didn't manifest until after we were married) that sent things spiraling. Up until then our relationship had been great.

You guys know Oscar Wilde was gay, right?

He would have followed that quote with "but three dicks is a good start. "

mikeya,

Pretty much took the words out of my mouth.

"SJG, please stop projecting your horrible marriage on to everyone else. You sound strange. Maybe your wife divorced you for mental cruelty?"

ninabambina-- good thoughts. like you, i still do want to get married. the posts in this thread where most ppl expressed how happy they were when they got divorced didn't discourage me.

SJC, my wife and I have been married for 34 years, and I frankly don't regret a second of it. My maternal grandparents were married for 70+ years. My dad's mother died when he was 3, but his dad and stepmother were married until he died at 63. My mom and dad were married for over 50 years until she died of cancer at 75. So, you see, it is possible for two people to live together and be happy with each other for a very long time. To make that happen both people have to have reams of tolerance and forgiveness. The most important thing is for both parties be able to answer two basic and somewhat selfish questions:

1. Can I be happy with this person just as he/she is, knowing that trying to make them fit my image of perfection is a fool's errand, and

2. Will I also be able to accept and grow with the inevitable changes in him/her?

We dated for all of six weeks before we knew it was right. Luck certainly has something to do with it!

I would like to point out that Oscar Wilde was married and had two children. He seems to have been a true bi-sexual.

So mikey02a, are you or have you ever been married? Don't project your stuff on to me.

Very few on TUSCL who have monogamous marriages are defending it. And I drew some firm lines with my wife. I was fair and compassionate with her. But I also made it clear to her that she "could not continue". She didn't change, and so after being as patient as possible, out the door is she was sent.

Papi, as always, your posts are enlightening. Women will always want marriage, but this does not mean that it will work or that it is a good thing, for them or for you. It is not just that it is a major and life long commitment, it is that it subjects you to all sorts of normative expectations. Giving a woman what she wants is often the absolute worst thing a guy could ever do, to her or to himself.

rh48hr, I believe that many of the behaviors of my ex could be classified as mental illness. But really what it is is just that she was not willing to allow partnership and instead wanted only manipulation and control. She was always under the influence of her problematic friends, and of some people even worse.

And Clubber, so I ask you again, are you saying that your long time married relations are more moral than the rest of us? What exactly is your point?

The marriages of my parents and grand parents were death traps and they also depended upon being able to use children to give themselves a social identity.

May God strike me dead if I ever did anything that.

ATACdawg, If you and your wife are happy, then I am happy for you.

But most people I would say, even in my generation and forward, are still getting married out of pressure to comply with normative social expectations. In my own case there was more going on. But I was 100% willing to be patient, tolerant, and forgiving, and to live with the downsides of the decision I had made. But my spouse was not, she was under the influence of some very problematic friends and she did everything by manipulation and control. She was not willing to grow, where as I learned that it was grow or die.

The only reason I ended up being subjected to this kind of a negative marriage was that I grew up in such an environment. So beyond a point I saw that unless my wife was really willing to change, the marriage had to be dissolved.

But ATAC, if your marriage is so great, what are you doing on a forum for the customers of strip clubs? Didn't you take marriage vows?

SJG

Dizzy Gillespie & Louis Armstrong - Umbrella Man
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZO1uMjz3…

Heard a great joke today.

Marriage isn't a job it's a hobby. Dating while you're married is a job. Lol

Well, SJG, it's because I like looking at hot, naked girls. For the record, I have not engaged in, nor sought "extras".

If you acted like you write when you were married, I'm amazed that your ex didn't strangle you in your sleep, let alone divorced you.

I never drank the marriage kool aid.
Glad I didn't.
Aside from work, my time is all mine.
I can visit SCs anytime I can afford it.
Marriage to me is a man made prison. Cynical I know.
I am just playing the hand I was dealt.
I used to sort of beat myself up that I am not married.
But, now, I realize I had it right all along.
I would rather pay for female companionship to avoid all of the drama.
No situation is perfect. But SCs come pretty close.
An ATF pissed me off awhile ago so I don't visit her anymore.
No messy break up or divorce. I just politely asked her to not contact me anymore.
I just moved on and found someone new to spend my money with.
I have learned to create your own happiness. You can't recreate someone else's.

rh48hr, Marriage ruins it all!

ATACdawg, When I was married I did my very best to make it work. This included always holding out the olive branch and trying to let partnership happen. It didn't.

I was not completely faithful in keeping my marriage vows. But this was mostly in order to try and stay sane, so that I might eventually be able to have a life post-marriage. I kept it within some sanity limits. I never hurt anyone or made the situation any worse. But never have a I claimed that my actions constituted complete marital fidelity. Mostly I was just trying to survive, without making a bad situation any worse.

As my wife would not allow partnership to ensue, even when she ended up under court supervision and when there were legal actions against a fraudulent business she was connected to, and she still would not allow any sort of partnership, I had her removed and placed under further court orders.

ATACdawg, you would do better to refrain from making allegations against me, or anyone else, when you don't know all the facts.

And ATACdawg are you claiming that spending time and money in strip clubs ogling the hotties is marital fidelity? Did you declare your intent to do this before taking marriage vows? You really are not even qualified to make any comment about someone trying to make a marriage work.

Though not completely faithful and never claiming to have been, I did do everything in my power to make the marriage work. When, after years of drawing lines in the sand, while at the same time holding out the olive branch, my efforts were still failing, I took what legal actions were necessary.

SJG