Reminders On Why I'm Not Married Anymore
rh48hr
Wakanda
Every time I think I might want to cut back or leave the hobby and find a civi to chill with (which I've done before), something happens which brings me back and solidifies my reasons for clubbing. The last couple days did that for me.
Those of you that are divorced but might still have to deal with your ex, or married but might as well be divorced, What say you?
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42 comments
I'll be 74 next week and I have a 21 yo stripper that has agreed to meet me OTC to celebrate. Why would I ever want to go back to married life?
Was it really that bad, shadow? I'm not trying to pry in your personal business by the way. I'm just curious if marriage is as bad as many people on this board say it is
I'd get clobbered with that question! My goal, when I married those 45+ years ago was to be able to, financially, allow my wife to stay home and be a mother (married 7 years before the kids). I was able to do that and she raised two great kids, a son and daughter.
These days, the son is much closer to his mother and my daughter to me. The reason, I believe is as my wife says, "She (daughter) is so much like her father!" I concur and the flip is true as well and he his like his mother.
Bottom line, I guess it's worked.
Been divorced 2 years. Would never, ever, do it again. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.
I also like the freedom the OP describes. It's liberating. Best feeling in the world is when I go clubbing and know that I don't have to be home at a certain time. Or explain where I was or what I was doing. I can do what I want, when I want and with whoever I want.
Even now we get along quite well, but she does things every now and then which remind me why I'm glad we're not together.
I have a friend who remarried after a being divorced for a long time and he says he couldn't be happier and hadn't had an argument with his wife in the 10 plus years they've been together so it's possible to have a good marriage.
I also have friends who are married but not looking for divorce who say they would never remarry if they became single again.
+1 Jack - that's a great quote.
its interesting to me how people can be married for YEARS (10, 15, 20, sometimes even longer) and then something in the relationship causes them to never want to be together anymore. not only that, but many ppl express just how HAPPY and THRILLED they were once they got divorced. i don't know, it just seems like when you put that many years into something and it doesn't work out---it really makes me want to be cautious and very carefully consider whether i want to ever tie the knot. and i realize EVERY marriage isn't like that. there are definitely marriages that last forever and i'd imagine that's a great feeling. but most ppl in this thread have expressed that they don't miss it, so perhaps the marriages that last are in the minority?
my parents marriage didn't last either. they were married for like 15 years. what's really crazy though is that my grandpa and his 3rd wife were married for 40 years (FOURTY) and they recently got divorced. i can't even put into words how shocked i was when i heard that.
I have some of the same sentiments as you. So many marriages end badly and so many people these days do not take their seriously to me, or so it seems. My mom has 4 or 5 ex-husbands (I thought there were 5 but I can't recall a fifth). She left every single one. She admitted to me that only 2 actually gave her butterflies, my dad (1st husband) and another guy (2nd husband). I could see her having a lifelong, happy marriage with either of them, given the right circumstances. My dad tried to get back with my mom for a good 10+ years after she left him, until he gave up because there grew so much hatred between them over several custody battles for me and my sister. Now, ironically, I think she regrets leaving him. And his 2nd wife was a mail order bride who he hated for years until they finally made it work after having a couple kids of their own. There's no passion, but my middle class dad is settling for it and has his dream of raising kids with a wife who won't divorce him. I bet they never get divorced.
So although my parents got divorced, they created a beautiful blessing for mankind - my sister and I. Twins!
Hopefully when I do get married, which I doubt I'll be ready for until I'm like 30, it is amazing and lasts til death do us part. I will do everything to keep it a happy marriage and keep my end of the bargain. Lol. But if it doesn't work, I at least want to pop out a couple of beautiful children first.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna get all pious and self-righteous about what makes a good marriage and where everybody else has gone wrong. Truth is, I got no idea, beyond honesty in all things. But I've seen that one fail in others' marriages, so it ain't that, or at least ain't *just* that.
I have no idea what the end game will be. I can't see my interest in sexual gratification diminishing nor can I see hers reinvigorating.
My advice to all you youngsters contemplating marriage -- make DAMN sure you are genuinely on the same page regarding money and sex. Disagreement over one or the other results in a lifetime of misery for someone.
I agree with this fully!
The worst way the average guy could hurt a woman is to give her what she wants and marry her and try to be a good husband.
And women always get themselves into trouble by the idiotic things they say when they open their mouths.
SJG
Marriage was generally a good thing for me: it's just amazing that she put up with me this long.
1. Married or Divorced, and very down on marriage.
2. Married and okay about marriage, but having a marriage where they can fuck other women without having to hide it. They have permission, so the marriage is open.
3. Never having been married and justifiably leery of it.
Doesn't seem to be anyone who sees marriage in any conventional sense to be desirable or a goal to pursue, or an ideal to aspire to.
Am I correct?
SJG
Dizzy Gillespie Live In Belgium '58 & Denmark '70
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BXzVi4c3…
Yes of course I agree with you that TUSCL is a warped place. But what have you been doing, reviewing 47 clubs all over the map? Does your wife know what you do?
When you got married were you expecting to practice monogamy?
SJG
If you think that way, why aren't you trying to live as they did?
I think there are other things going on. But also, I would rather die than live the life of my long term married parents or grandparents. Their marriages were simply to keep up appearances and they depended upon the exploitation of children. They were death traps, and they were also evil.
SJG
" Early on, at its best, we probably had sex 1 or 2 times a month (which wasn't enough, but whatcha goin do). in recent years, to keep from driving head on into traffic, now I club it"
LOLz
Marriage may not necessarily be for everyone; so many people may get married b/c “it's what's expected or them” - so some people get married that shouldn't or get married when the are not ready yet.
And many people may settle (consciously or subconsciously) and may pick a mate so they can be married rather than it being someone they really want-to/should be with and then one feels/are stuck.
Quite frankly I didn't want the divorce stigma. But it doesn't bother me like it did right after the divorce. My parents were married 46 years, my grandparents on both sides were married till death did they part. My ex's parents and grandparents never divorced. I waited awhile to get married so I felt pretty good I had found the right person. But she suffers from a mental illness (which didn't manifest until after we were married) that sent things spiraling. Up until then our relationship had been great.
He would have followed that quote with "but three dicks is a good start. "
Pretty much took the words out of my mouth.
"SJG, please stop projecting your horrible marriage on to everyone else. You sound strange. Maybe your wife divorced you for mental cruelty?"
1. Can I be happy with this person just as he/she is, knowing that trying to make them fit my image of perfection is a fool's errand, and
2. Will I also be able to accept and grow with the inevitable changes in him/her?
We dated for all of six weeks before we knew it was right. Luck certainly has something to do with it!
Very few on TUSCL who have monogamous marriages are defending it. And I drew some firm lines with my wife. I was fair and compassionate with her. But I also made it clear to her that she "could not continue". She didn't change, and so after being as patient as possible, out the door is she was sent.
Papi, as always, your posts are enlightening. Women will always want marriage, but this does not mean that it will work or that it is a good thing, for them or for you. It is not just that it is a major and life long commitment, it is that it subjects you to all sorts of normative expectations. Giving a woman what she wants is often the absolute worst thing a guy could ever do, to her or to himself.
rh48hr, I believe that many of the behaviors of my ex could be classified as mental illness. But really what it is is just that she was not willing to allow partnership and instead wanted only manipulation and control. She was always under the influence of her problematic friends, and of some people even worse.
And Clubber, so I ask you again, are you saying that your long time married relations are more moral than the rest of us? What exactly is your point?
The marriages of my parents and grand parents were death traps and they also depended upon being able to use children to give themselves a social identity.
May God strike me dead if I ever did anything that.
ATACdawg, If you and your wife are happy, then I am happy for you.
But most people I would say, even in my generation and forward, are still getting married out of pressure to comply with normative social expectations. In my own case there was more going on. But I was 100% willing to be patient, tolerant, and forgiving, and to live with the downsides of the decision I had made. But my spouse was not, she was under the influence of some very problematic friends and she did everything by manipulation and control. She was not willing to grow, where as I learned that it was grow or die.
The only reason I ended up being subjected to this kind of a negative marriage was that I grew up in such an environment. So beyond a point I saw that unless my wife was really willing to change, the marriage had to be dissolved.
But ATAC, if your marriage is so great, what are you doing on a forum for the customers of strip clubs? Didn't you take marriage vows?
SJG
Dizzy Gillespie & Louis Armstrong - Umbrella Man
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZO1uMjz3…
Marriage isn't a job it's a hobby. Dating while you're married is a job. Lol
If you acted like you write when you were married, I'm amazed that your ex didn't strangle you in your sleep, let alone divorced you.
Glad I didn't.
Aside from work, my time is all mine.
I can visit SCs anytime I can afford it.
Marriage to me is a man made prison. Cynical I know.
I am just playing the hand I was dealt.
I used to sort of beat myself up that I am not married.
But, now, I realize I had it right all along.
I would rather pay for female companionship to avoid all of the drama.
No situation is perfect. But SCs come pretty close.
An ATF pissed me off awhile ago so I don't visit her anymore.
No messy break up or divorce. I just politely asked her to not contact me anymore.
I just moved on and found someone new to spend my money with.
I have learned to create your own happiness. You can't recreate someone else's.
ATACdawg, When I was married I did my very best to make it work. This included always holding out the olive branch and trying to let partnership happen. It didn't.
I was not completely faithful in keeping my marriage vows. But this was mostly in order to try and stay sane, so that I might eventually be able to have a life post-marriage. I kept it within some sanity limits. I never hurt anyone or made the situation any worse. But never have a I claimed that my actions constituted complete marital fidelity. Mostly I was just trying to survive, without making a bad situation any worse.
As my wife would not allow partnership to ensue, even when she ended up under court supervision and when there were legal actions against a fraudulent business she was connected to, and she still would not allow any sort of partnership, I had her removed and placed under further court orders.
ATACdawg, you would do better to refrain from making allegations against me, or anyone else, when you don't know all the facts.
And ATACdawg are you claiming that spending time and money in strip clubs ogling the hotties is marital fidelity? Did you declare your intent to do this before taking marriage vows? You really are not even qualified to make any comment about someone trying to make a marriage work.
Though not completely faithful and never claiming to have been, I did do everything in my power to make the marriage work. When, after years of drawing lines in the sand, while at the same time holding out the olive branch, my efforts were still failing, I took what legal actions were necessary.
SJG