my stuper strugles and zen

compulsive masturbation is one of the most secret and isolative. The man or women who compulsively masturbates with or without the use of porn is often the last to seek help, often not seeing or understanding their behavior as problematic. Their hidden behavior is often related to past trauma, familial societal, or religious shame associated with the sex act and intimacy. Many clients report that their internal beliefs about masturbation are that the act itself is “dirty,” “shameful,” or “sinful.”While most sex addicts actively seek treatment when they pushed by some obvious external consequence of the legal, occupational, health, or relational type, the solitary nature of the compulsive masturbator's behavior leaves his or her actions less subject to the direct consequences of other forms of sexual acting out. The sex addict engaging in compulsive masturbation more often seeks help for anxiety, obsession, isolation, and the inability to seek or maintain healthy intimate relationships. Some compulsive masturbators do experience consequences through the viewing of inappropriate materials (e.g., child pornography), through masturbating in inappropriate places (e.g., the workplace or an automobile), or due to self-injury. However, the most frequent consequence of compulsive masturbation is a life devoid of intimacy, removed from feeling, and filled with hidden shame.

Looking back now I can see that before I started working on this I had huge denial about how compulsive and driven an experience masturbation was in my life. Because the behavior itself was so built into my routines and I saw it like washing my hands or brushing my teeth I never thought of it as something that could interfere with my attempts at sexual relationships or self-esteem as a woman. My association with masturbation was simple. Every morning when I showered I masturbated to fantasy and every night before I went to sleep I masturbated to porn to help me relax. I never questioned it and at 37 years old I had a 22-year history of this behavior before I got into treatment and was asked the question by my therapist, “How often do you masturbate and why do you choose to masturbate when you do?” Choose? I never chose. Masturbation is just what I did