A stripper rants. Reprinted from 2004 for the newbies on here. It's satire at it
shadowcat
Atlanta suburb
2) Men that come into the club for a lapdance with NO underwear or boxers and thin-ass, nylon shorts, so we slip and slide on your hard-on (which always feel like a sharpie pen). Ew! I don't even bother dancing with you nasty fucks anymore.
3) You with the thick-ass jeans--this was an impromptu visit, eh?
4) Don't pull my thong up during a dance and ask me if that felt good. It does NOT FEEL GOOD.
5) Hey you loser, counting all your bills to me after the dance, all $20 in ones, and rubbing your fingers between each one to make sure you are giving me just that one dollar. Yes, you.
6) No I will not let you just "slip it in real quick" for 50 more bucks. If you're going to proposition me, at least don't insult my worth.
7) Stop asking me if my tits are real. There are as real as my affection for you.
8) If you cum in your pants, you have to tip me an extra $100 for being a lame-ass who can cum from just a lapdance.
9) Stop asking me out. You're a smelly, fat loser and the only reason I'm smiling and cooing at you is because I want your money. Outside of the club I wouldn't even fart your way.
10) Stop bitching at me about the goddamn two drink minimum. First of all your breath stinks, you have a piece of salami stuck to your goat-tee and you look like Jay Leno. Secondly, I don't give a shit.
11) Don't bitch at me about the $8 non-alchoholic beer either. Hide a bottle of Jack in your coat pocket next time like everyone else does.
12) My horniness is in direct proportion to your income.
13) No, you CAN'T SMOKE. Dumb. Ass.
14) Boys, don't sit in the front row with your homeboys and act all engrossed in some deep conversation (knowing damn well you ain't talking 'bout shit) during a girls performance because you want to look like you're too "cool" to notice the hot, naked girl in front of you.
15) DON'T SIT IN THE FRONT ROW IF YOU ARE NOT GOING TO TIP. Fer chrissakes!!!!!!!!!!!
16) Dumb ass, don't ask me, "so what do you guys do when you're on your period?" Answer: I lap dance only with guys in dark pants.
17) STOP trying to grab my tits!!!!!!!!! That's extra.
18) SHOWER FIRST, you nasty fuck!
19) If you don't tip me, I'm going to call your wife.
20) I had a feeling you weren't going to tip me, so I took extra care to rub my lip gloss on your collar and wear extra glitter lotion before our dance.
21) Hey cheap-asses: please don't come to my work. Just stay home and jack off to reruns of "I love Genie" instead. It will save us a both a lot of unpleasantry.
22) Stop asking me why I do this job and get all analytical on me. For the MONEY you moron, that's why. Duh.
23) No seriously, my real name is Vixen Blue.
24) NO, I will not take a dime sac of weed for payment. I can tell it's oregano anyway you sick mutherfucker!
25) Sorry, I don't do that. Ask the ugly girl with the overbite and the black roots over there by the bar.
26) It is not okay for you to bounce me on your cock like a baby on a knee. Not okay.
27) Stop complaining about how short the song was. It felt like the fucking maxi-single to me.
28) Yes I will fuck you, but only for 10 grand. More if you're ugly. So basically, more.
29) DO NOT come into the club looking for a girlfriend/date. DO. NOT.
30) I don't care if you're cute and/or Brad Pitt's stunt double. I do not give free lapdances. Cute don't pay the rent.
31) Girls--what's with the pole smell? Can we do a little hygiene check? Nothing than worse than twirling around a pole and getting a whiff of stale pussy.
32) Girls--stop lip-syncing to the song you're dancing to on stage. Especially if you don't quite know all the words.
33) Girls--if your toes curl and hang over your platforms a la' Fred Flinstone, you need to go up a size.
34) Girls--drowning yourself in Angel perfume is just as bad if not worse than the BO you're trying to cover.
35) Hey DJ! You suck!
36) Girls--may I suggest complete sobriety before getting tatted up? Tattoos should be meaningful, or at least semi-meaningful, or at least semi semi-meaningful. That fucking smurf on your ass is lame.
37) Girls--some songs should not be stripped to. Please. No Disney soundtracks (you know who you are), Sade, Bjork, or Aaron Carter. PLEASE.
Thanks for listening.
Vixen Blue
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This stripper must have danced for Lapdanceking
LOL!
Maybe I should tie a string on a dollar bill like Ted Bundy from Marred with Children and see if the dancer laughs.
probably not if I pulled it back off the stage like in one episode. Ted Bundy fishing for strippers. lol
A dancer once asked me if I ever thought about getting up on stage and dancing.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yHz7IqGqo…
I thought she meant just clowning around.
Freudian slip?
Where the music stinks, and they water the drinks, the nudie bar.
Where the girlies dance in their underpants, the nudie bar.
Where you see their butt, and their trap stays shut, at the nudie bar.
Where you can't touch a breast, but you can cave in a chest, at the nudie bar.
Where you look at a thigh, and blacken an eye, at the nudie bar.
Where the beer gives you gas, but the Bundys kick ass, at the nudie bar.
38) YES...I totally dig the Colonel's XXXtra KRIS-pay. You're the first REAL MAN I've seen today. So why don't you take that sexy sexy sexxxy drumstick and put it in my asswhole. And yes, I do spell asshole with a "w" 'cos it's a WHOLE lot better that way!
#39 Don't tell me we have been back here for 10 songs when it's only been 4. I'm not THAT drunk.
#40 Don't whisper in my ear that you guarantee you can make me cum, and then give the worst mechanical blow job I've ever experienced.(and I've had A LOT of BJs in my life. you are NOT the best I've ever had, even though you think you are).
#41 Don't agree on a price and no song count and then change the deal afterwards.
#42. No. I don't have a rubber. You should have one if that's what you want to do. Otherwise, do it bare back.
#43. I don't care that your Boyfriend plays video games all day and doesn't watch your kid or have a job. I don't care... Really.
#44 I don't care that your car is in the shop and you need and extra $1,000 to get it out. Sounds like you need to hustle more and not play on your phone all day.
#45 I don't care that your manager is a jerk who charges you too much tip out. Same for the bouncers, bartenders, house mom,DJ and coat check girl.
#46 No. I will NOT pay for you to be skipped in the rotation. You're a dancer/stripper. Get up there and dance and take your clothes off. it's your job.
#47. Your shift starts at 12pm until 7pm. You "work" 7 hours. 3 days a week and your money is tax free. Don't ask me to pay your "late" fees. Nobody pays me to be late for my job that is at least 8 hours a day 5 days a week.
#48 If I tell you I don't want a dance, I don't want a dance.
If I tell you to come back after I've had a few beers and relax, then come back in a half hour or so.
#49. Don't play on your phone texting everyone for hours at a time in the corner and then come over and complain to me that you're not making any money.
#50 Maybe, just maybe... I came into this club to relax and unwind and forget about my own problems for a while. That's why I'm spending $10 to valet my car, a $10 cover charge and I'm paying $8 for a beer that I can get at my local neighborhood bar for $1. I may buy you a drink if I want you to stick around for a bit. But let me offer it. Don't tell the bartender to put your drink on MY tab if I don't offer.
I don't want to hear about all your stripper shit problems first thing after I grab a chair and order my first beer.
#51 When the shot girl approaches us, don't tell her that I'll buy you and her a shot. Let ME offer to buy it if I feel like doing it.
Those are just a few off the top of my head.
I'm sure all you other guys on here can add MANY, MANY more from your own experiences! lol.