What Horrible Things Did We Do To Our Penises Last Year?
shadowcat
Atlanta suburb
Good morning & happy New year.
As in past years, the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission has created a searchable database of emergency room visits around the country. And as… Read…
While collecting insertions into various orifices for our annual feature, we stumbled across a good number of truly awful penis-related mishaps. Culled from the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission's database of emergency room visits, here's a year's worth of self-abuse.
All descriptions are verbatim from ER admittance records:
PUT HIS WEDDING RING ON HIS PENIS, NOW CAN'T GET IT OFF
SITTING ON A TOILET AND DROPPED CIGARETTE ONTO PENIS
BLEEDING FROM PENIS, WAS DANCING AND RUBBING UP AGAINST SOMEONE REALLY ROUGH
STRUCK PENIS ON SPEAKER BOX
CUT PENIS ON GIRLFRIENDS BELLY BUTTON RING
WAS AT A WATER PARK AND RAN INTO A POLE, FOREHEAD AND PENIS CONTUSION
HAS BEEN WRAPPING TISSUES AROUND PENIS WHILE GOING TO THE BATHROOM;DYSURIA
WAS SEWING PANTS AND GOT NEEDLE STUCK IN PENIS
GOLFING AND GOT TICK BITE TO PENIS
LACERATION PENIS WHEN GRABBED DURING BASKETBALL GAME
WHILE PUTTING ON PJ'S HE HIT HIS PENIS AGAINST THE WALL
WAS IN THE SHOWER WASHING HIS PENIS, HAD FORESKIN PULLED BACK, & GOT STARTLED, HE PULLED IT BACK FURTHER. PENILE FRENULUM TEAR
WAS WALKING IN HOME AND FELL THROUGH THE FLOOR BOARDS STRUCK PENIS
LACERATION TO PENIS USING SHOT GLASS TO MASTURBATE
DEVELOPED A LESION TO PENIS AFTER WEARING SOMEONE ELSES PANTS
SHOT WITH BB GUN BY BRO TO THE GENITAL
HEMATOMA TO PENIS AFTER BUMPING INTO A POOL TABLE WHILE TRYING TO TAKE A SHOT
BURNT PENIS WITH BLOW DRYER
ON TREADMILL, FELL WITH PANTS GETTING CAUGHT & PULLED INTO TREADMILL, INJURY TO PENIS, PENILE SWELLING & PAIN, TENDERNESS; LACERATION OF PENIS
WALKING ON A TREADMILL AS IT WAS GOING VERY SLOWLY AND FELL OFF EDGE CAUGHT PENIS ON THE TREADS ABRASION PENIS
DROPPED A 10LB WEIGHT ONTO PENIS
WAS JUMPING FROM ONE COUCH TO ANOTHER NOW PAIN TO PENIS.
SLIPPED OUT OF HIS CHAIR LAST NIGHT ONTO CARPET ATTEMPTING TO CATCH A BUG. PENIS ABRASION
FELL IN SHOWER DIRECTLY ONTO ERECT PENIS. HEARD CRACK TO SITE.
RUNNING WITH ERECT PENIS AND FELL ONTO FLOOR SUSTAINING PENILE FRACTURE
HEARD A POP TAKING OFF BOXERS. PENILE FRACTURE
WAS SITTING ON COUCH @ HOME, WHEN SIBLING THREW A LARGE TOY TRUCK AT HIM HITTING PENIS. TRAUMA.
OLDER BROTHER & HIM HORSING AROUND WHEN SIBLING BIT PENIS.
SHUT A DVD CASE ON PENIS
PLACED AN ELECTRIC LINT REMOVER TO PENIS AND SUSTAINED A CUT
USING A MILK JUG FOR A URINAL, SCRAPED PENIS ON ROUGH EDGE OF PLASTIC
HAS BEEN PUTTING HOT TOWELS ON HIS PENIS, & STRETCHING IT , TO MAKE IT BIGGER, SAW IT ON INTERNET-PENIS PAIN.
Be careful out there.
As in past years, the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission has created a searchable database of emergency room visits around the country. And as… Read…
While collecting insertions into various orifices for our annual feature, we stumbled across a good number of truly awful penis-related mishaps. Culled from the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission's database of emergency room visits, here's a year's worth of self-abuse.
All descriptions are verbatim from ER admittance records:
PUT HIS WEDDING RING ON HIS PENIS, NOW CAN'T GET IT OFF
SITTING ON A TOILET AND DROPPED CIGARETTE ONTO PENIS
BLEEDING FROM PENIS, WAS DANCING AND RUBBING UP AGAINST SOMEONE REALLY ROUGH
STRUCK PENIS ON SPEAKER BOX
CUT PENIS ON GIRLFRIENDS BELLY BUTTON RING
WAS AT A WATER PARK AND RAN INTO A POLE, FOREHEAD AND PENIS CONTUSION
HAS BEEN WRAPPING TISSUES AROUND PENIS WHILE GOING TO THE BATHROOM;DYSURIA
WAS SEWING PANTS AND GOT NEEDLE STUCK IN PENIS
GOLFING AND GOT TICK BITE TO PENIS
LACERATION PENIS WHEN GRABBED DURING BASKETBALL GAME
WHILE PUTTING ON PJ'S HE HIT HIS PENIS AGAINST THE WALL
WAS IN THE SHOWER WASHING HIS PENIS, HAD FORESKIN PULLED BACK, & GOT STARTLED, HE PULLED IT BACK FURTHER. PENILE FRENULUM TEAR
WAS WALKING IN HOME AND FELL THROUGH THE FLOOR BOARDS STRUCK PENIS
LACERATION TO PENIS USING SHOT GLASS TO MASTURBATE
DEVELOPED A LESION TO PENIS AFTER WEARING SOMEONE ELSES PANTS
SHOT WITH BB GUN BY BRO TO THE GENITAL
HEMATOMA TO PENIS AFTER BUMPING INTO A POOL TABLE WHILE TRYING TO TAKE A SHOT
BURNT PENIS WITH BLOW DRYER
ON TREADMILL, FELL WITH PANTS GETTING CAUGHT & PULLED INTO TREADMILL, INJURY TO PENIS, PENILE SWELLING & PAIN, TENDERNESS; LACERATION OF PENIS
WALKING ON A TREADMILL AS IT WAS GOING VERY SLOWLY AND FELL OFF EDGE CAUGHT PENIS ON THE TREADS ABRASION PENIS
DROPPED A 10LB WEIGHT ONTO PENIS
WAS JUMPING FROM ONE COUCH TO ANOTHER NOW PAIN TO PENIS.
SLIPPED OUT OF HIS CHAIR LAST NIGHT ONTO CARPET ATTEMPTING TO CATCH A BUG. PENIS ABRASION
FELL IN SHOWER DIRECTLY ONTO ERECT PENIS. HEARD CRACK TO SITE.
RUNNING WITH ERECT PENIS AND FELL ONTO FLOOR SUSTAINING PENILE FRACTURE
HEARD A POP TAKING OFF BOXERS. PENILE FRACTURE
WAS SITTING ON COUCH @ HOME, WHEN SIBLING THREW A LARGE TOY TRUCK AT HIM HITTING PENIS. TRAUMA.
OLDER BROTHER & HIM HORSING AROUND WHEN SIBLING BIT PENIS.
SHUT A DVD CASE ON PENIS
PLACED AN ELECTRIC LINT REMOVER TO PENIS AND SUSTAINED A CUT
USING A MILK JUG FOR A URINAL, SCRAPED PENIS ON ROUGH EDGE OF PLASTIC
HAS BEEN PUTTING HOT TOWELS ON HIS PENIS, & STRETCHING IT , TO MAKE IT BIGGER, SAW IT ON INTERNET-PENIS PAIN.
Be careful out there.
10 comments
Oh heck, those are just funny as hell. Just hope I never end up as one of these stats!
Used it to fuck txtittyfan's daughter in the ass more times than I like to admit. Unprotected too.
Ban all treadmills.
My favorite: 'RUNNING WITH ERECT PENIS AND FELL ONTO FLOOR SUSTAINING PENILE FRACTURE'
Guess his mom told him not to run holding a pair of scissors but failed to warn him about running with an erect penis.
SLIPPED OUT OF HIS CHAIR LAST NIGHT ONTO CARPET ATTEMPTING TO CATCH A BUG. PENIS ABRASION -- classified as a Hunting Accident?
HEMATOMA TO PENIS AFTER BUMPING INTO A POOL TABLE WHILE TRYING TO TAKE A SHOT
LACERATION TO PENIS USING SHOT GLASS TO MASTURBATE
-- classified as Shooting Accidents?
BLEEDING FROM PENIS, WAS DANCING AND RUBBING UP AGAINST SOMEONE REALLY ROUGH -- first reported twerking injury of 2014. Twerking can be hazardous to your health, BAN twerking.
STRUCK PENIS ON SPEAKER BOX -- 'Music has charms to soothe the savage breast' ...whoops, wrong body part.
PUT HIS WEDDING RING ON HIS PENIS, NOW CAN'T GET IT OFF = 'heart-on' No more extras for you, dougie.
BURNT PENIS WITH BLOW DRYER -- experimenting AGAIN, LDK?
CUT PENIS ON GIRLFRIENDS BELLY BUTTON RING -- sorry charlie, wrong hole.
WAS IN THE SHOWER WASHING HIS PENIS, HAD FORESKIN PULLED BACK, & GOT STARTLED, HE PULLED IT BACK FURTHER. PENILE FRENULUM TEAR --
shower scene in Alfred Hitchcock’s PSYCHO?
WAS SEWING PANTS AND GOT NEEDLE STUCK IN PENIS -- 'A stitch in time saves...', never mind.
Lesson to be learned. Use caution while having erections. Do not get erections in showers or while walking on tread mills or while objects weighing 10 pounds or more could fall on it, except of course if your wife complains she likes being on top. In that case, you're just fucked if someone slips and breaks your dick. Call 911 for immediate surgery.