What Horrible Things Did We Do To Our Penises Last Year?

Good morning & happy New year.

As in past years, the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission has created a searchable database of emergency room visits around the country. And as… Read…

While collecting insertions into various orifices for our annual feature, we stumbled across a good number of truly awful penis-related mishaps. Culled from the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission's database of emergency room visits, here's a year's worth of self-abuse.

All descriptions are verbatim from ER admittance records:
PUT HIS WEDDING RING ON HIS PENIS, NOW CAN'T GET IT OFF
SITTING ON A TOILET AND DROPPED CIGARETTE ONTO PENIS
BLEEDING FROM PENIS, WAS DANCING AND RUBBING UP AGAINST SOMEONE REALLY ROUGH
STRUCK PENIS ON SPEAKER BOX
CUT PENIS ON GIRLFRIENDS BELLY BUTTON RING
WAS AT A WATER PARK AND RAN INTO A POLE, FOREHEAD AND PENIS CONTUSION
HAS BEEN WRAPPING TISSUES AROUND PENIS WHILE GOING TO THE BATHROOM;DYSURIA
WAS SEWING PANTS AND GOT NEEDLE STUCK IN PENIS
GOLFING AND GOT TICK BITE TO PENIS
LACERATION PENIS WHEN GRABBED DURING BASKETBALL GAME
WHILE PUTTING ON PJ'S HE HIT HIS PENIS AGAINST THE WALL
WAS IN THE SHOWER WASHING HIS PENIS, HAD FORESKIN PULLED BACK, & GOT STARTLED, HE PULLED IT BACK FURTHER. PENILE FRENULUM TEAR
WAS WALKING IN HOME AND FELL THROUGH THE FLOOR BOARDS STRUCK PENIS
LACERATION TO PENIS USING SHOT GLASS TO MASTURBATE
DEVELOPED A LESION TO PENIS AFTER WEARING SOMEONE ELSES PANTS
SHOT WITH BB GUN BY BRO TO THE GENITAL
HEMATOMA TO PENIS AFTER BUMPING INTO A POOL TABLE WHILE TRYING TO TAKE A SHOT
BURNT PENIS WITH BLOW DRYER
ON TREADMILL, FELL WITH PANTS GETTING CAUGHT & PULLED INTO TREADMILL, INJURY TO PENIS, PENILE SWELLING & PAIN, TENDERNESS; LACERATION OF PENIS
WALKING ON A TREADMILL AS IT WAS GOING VERY SLOWLY AND FELL OFF EDGE CAUGHT PENIS ON THE TREADS ABRASION PENIS
DROPPED A 10LB WEIGHT ONTO PENIS
WAS JUMPING FROM ONE COUCH TO ANOTHER NOW PAIN TO PENIS.
SLIPPED OUT OF HIS CHAIR LAST NIGHT ONTO CARPET ATTEMPTING TO CATCH A BUG. PENIS ABRASION
FELL IN SHOWER DIRECTLY ONTO ERECT PENIS. HEARD CRACK TO SITE.
RUNNING WITH ERECT PENIS AND FELL ONTO FLOOR SUSTAINING PENILE FRACTURE
HEARD A POP TAKING OFF BOXERS. PENILE FRACTURE
WAS SITTING ON COUCH @ HOME, WHEN SIBLING THREW A LARGE TOY TRUCK AT HIM HITTING PENIS. TRAUMA.
OLDER BROTHER & HIM HORSING AROUND WHEN SIBLING BIT PENIS.
SHUT A DVD CASE ON PENIS
PLACED AN ELECTRIC LINT REMOVER TO PENIS AND SUSTAINED A CUT
USING A MILK JUG FOR A URINAL, SCRAPED PENIS ON ROUGH EDGE OF PLASTIC
HAS BEEN PUTTING HOT TOWELS ON HIS PENIS, & STRETCHING IT , TO MAKE IT BIGGER, SAW IT ON INTERNET-PENIS PAIN.

Be careful out there.