taking applications for my personal wingman (bff)

After reading the enlightening thread on wingmen I decided I need to have one. I am willing to take someone under my wing and show em the ropes of strip clubbing. I have a few requirements though.

1. you need to be not very good looking, as I need to be the center of attention
2. you need to be willing to follow my lead and never question me
3. when in a club, never talk when I'm talking
4. you must be willing to shave and oil my whole body when I perform at swinging richards homo club
5. in order to get the guys tipping, you must tip me with a dollar in your mouth and me taking it with my nutsack.
6. you must have a car or be willing to ride on the back of my scooter
7. you have to be proficient riding a vespa scooter with me on the back passed out when we leave clubs
8. if you live alone, I need to move in. My mom asked me to move out before I'm 37 and that's in 3 weeks
9. once I move in, a stripper pole and stage will be installed in your living room
10. we need to get tuscl tattoos within a week. Imagine the street cred we will get with TUSCL LIFETIME MEMBERS tatted on us. I will have a unicorn pulling the letters in a carriage. Yours needs to be plain.
11. there will be a 6 month pledge period like a frat. During that time you will have to shave your head and serve me like a slave. The first and last words out of your mouth will be sir

Ok now here's what you get in return

1. the street cred of being bff with a living legend and tuscl.net future hall of famer
2. tips on dressing for clubs including fake moustaches and how to stuff your underwear to make the ladies go nuts
3. how to sneak in clubs that you've been banned from
4. how to lie to dancers and make them think you are famous
5. how to get vip dances for free (simply run out after the dance)
6. my moms home cooking
7. judyjudys phone number
8. 2.99 buffet daily
9. vip table at my fav club (can't see stage but its still killer seating)
10. tips on posting threads on this board

To apply please send me a message telling me why I should pick you. Remember, hundreds will apply, only one will win. Thanks