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3rd_Deadly_Sin

To quote Barney Stinson from How I Met Your Mother:
"Question: why does this sign say "gentlemen's club"? Answer: because The Crab Shed is a place for gentlemen. A gentleman tips generously. A gentleman uses the complimentary bathroom cologne... [whispering] ...but not too much. Oh. This is important. Your instinct may be to avoid the free buffet. Your instinct is wrong. Don't sleep on the meatballs, gentlemen. They are exquisite! Come on!"

I've been frequenting strip clubs for a handful of years now and thought I'd go ahead and share my tips and suggestions. This is geared in particular towards people who are new to the strip club scene, but maybe my particular insights will even be thought provoking to veterans. That said, I welcome any suggestions or alternate views from veterans in the comments.

To start with, before you even show up you need to get familiar with the club that you're going to by searching online. Go to the club's website and read about any deals, specials, and events that they have. It might just be that your favorite pornstar is visiting in two weeks, or that you can avoid cover if arriving before 8pm. Fair warning if a club has an 'Amateur Night' don't expect to see a bunch of girls next door dancing for their first time, it's going to be a bunch of dancers from other clubs. See if they have any pictures of the club on their website or their social media. You can look at google and yelp reviews but they tend to be all over the place with positive reviews from promoters and negative reviews from people with buyer's remorse. The reviews on this site tend to paint a more accurate description. Read how much drinks are, how much dances are, the ethnic diversity of the club, whether the bathrooms were clean, how satisfied people were when they left, etc. Get to know how the club excels and whether that matches what you are looking for (are the dances private, are the dancers intimate, are the drinks cheap, is there a huge stage to sit in front of).

Now that you've studied up online it's time to decide when to go to the club. Timing your visit is an important consideration. While some clubs are known for having a great day shift, in general most clubs don't have more than a couple dancers until later in the night. That said, if you're hanging around an hour before close you may notice a lot of the talent has disappeared. Listen to what previous reviewers have said about when the club is lively and when it isn't, though my general approach is to show up about 5-6 hours before they close. Day of week is an important consideration too: clubs will always be more packed with other patrons (and typically more dancers) on Friday/Saturday night than the weeknights. Which night has the highest ratio of dancers to patrons will depend on the specific club, there are some clubs that staff as many dancers on Tuesday or Thursday nights despite having less patrons.

It's finally time to make your way to the club. Take public transit or a cab if you plan on getting drunk (though I don't recommend getting trashed, it's an easy way to overspend). Most clubs, even in rough areas of town, have safe parking lots though if you're really concerned about it you can take a cab. Pay your cover, if there is one, and head inside. Once you're there take a survey of the place; study where the bars are, where the stages are, where the bathrooms are, where the dance rooms are. To avoid looking like an idiot while doing this I usually do it naturally by going to the bathroom first. You'll want to strategize the best place to sit to maximize viewing opportunity while inviting your goldilocks amount of company. If all you're looking for is to see naked women then go ahead and sit right at the stage rail. If you want to have a very social night and be an open invite for any girl to sit down with you then sit at a table. If the bar has a good view then it is somewhere in between the two; a bar with a bad view is an open invite to be joined. Beyond just unobstructed viewing lanes consider how mirrors could accentuate the action.

Once you've settled in go ahead and stay settled in for a little bit. You don't want to run off with the first girl that approaches you. Often times they're just trying to stalk on new prey and aren't going to be the best performer there. Take 10-20 minutes to enjoy the moment, while keeping an eye out on all the different girls on the floor that night. Be willing to brush a girl off (in a respectful way) by saying you're not interested, or by saying you just got there and are looking to settle in, or by saying you just had a dance and are pacing yourself. Ultimately you want to go with a planned budget and hold onto your wallet (literally in a bad club, figuratively most times) by not wasting your money quickly right away. Speaking of money, safest practice is to pay cash for everything, and ATM surcharge fees will be high ($5-$20) so come prepared with cash.

Once you've settled in and are ready to make some connections you can start selectively chatting with some girls. Depending on the club dancers may or may not approach you. If you're looking to chat with someone particularly and they're sitting alone, go ahead and approach and say hi. If you're having a tough time getting a girl's attention you can tip her at the stage and ask her to come say hi to you- if she doesn't have a regular or someone lined up she will show up. As much as physical attraction is very important, you want to chat for a little bit with a girl before going off for a dance to screen whether she's going to phone it in or actually put forth effort and to see if you're able to develop any mental attraction. Be yourself and chat with them about whatever you want. A mental connection really elevates the experience. If a girl approaches you and you aren't interested immediately or within the first couple minutes of talking with her then you can have her go her separate way. If you've chatted with a girl for 5-10 or more minutes and don't plan on dancing with her you should give a small tip just as a courtesy of her time. If you've been chatting for a while you should definitely go for a dance. But before you go, ask her what all of the options are and get pricing from her. Even if you've already been told how much dances are or if it's published, it's best to hear it from her so that she can't try to pull any "I charge more" BS. I'd recommend always doing at least one regular dance before going to a VIP room so that you can get a sample of how good the dance will be and whether you want 15+ minutes or if 1 song is enough. For the single dance a lot of clubs will give the option of topless or for slightly more money fully nude. In my opinion unless you have a huge fetish for seeing pussy it's not worth going for the fully nude- there's often more showmanship that displays it while taking away time that could have been spent grinding or more seductively dancing. For the best dance possible take off any glasses (if it won't negatively impact your near-vision) and empty your front pockets. Also if you're going for a good dance avoid wearing a belt and any coarse pants (e.g. denim) (also avoid wearing sweatpants or athletic shorts to avoid looking like a perv). Know the state and house rules and ask what the dancer's rules are (consent is sexy). A phrase you can ask is, "Is there anywhere I can or shouldn't touch you?" Some dancers will say keep your hands way off to the side, some will let you graze their thighs / arms / back as they dance, and some will allow two-way contact. Know what the girl is okay with and don't cross the line. Other than that enjoy the dance! Keep track yourself of how many songs have gone by- most girls will tell you when the number of songs you've paid for is up but some girls will keep dancing until you say stop and then more songs may have gone by than you wanted to pay for. It is a service industry, so if service was good be sure to tip the performer (that includes after a dance, tipping on stage if you're sitting up there watching, and tipping your bartender/server).

Depending on how the first dance goes you may not be looking for any more dances or may still be up for more fun. Rinse and repeat with viewing the talent, chatting with different dancers, and going for dances until you've had your night's full of fun and are ready to be on your way. If you find a club you like you can make it your primary / home. Though I definitely recommend checking out a variety of different clubs- they all have their own flair and it can be fun to see the differences. If you end up in a club that isn't very good, don't spend as much money there and move on to another club.

Happy clubbing!

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