111 Rules for Strip Clubbing

(Expanded from 80 to triple-ones, with some good new content) On strippers and clubbing in general… 1. They'll say anything to separate you from your money, but it still might be worth it. 2. She might like you as a person, but she doesn’t love you. This is her way of paying the bills. You. Are. A. Customer. 3. Be a normal human fucking being to her. You aren’t going to impress her with some witty line she’s never heard before, or by insulting her. Treat her as you would like to be treated. 4. Asking her real name or if she has a boyfriend is cliché at best, creepy at worst. 5. Most are not "damsels in distress." They can make a pretty good living doing this and don't want to be "saved." 6. Does this even need to be said? Take a shower, shave, spray cologne (just a little), trim your nails, and don’t dress like a hobo. 7. At your regular spots, cultivate relationships with dancers. If you like variety, you might be in the mood for her the next time. Even if you don’t, she might give you the skinny on other dancers. 8. Befriend and be courteous to non-dancing staff. Too many guys treat non-titty-showing staff like dirt. It’ll get you quicker drinks, a better pour, intel, and a better conversation than most strippers. On choosing a club… 9. Know the "unwritten rules" and etiquette of the club. Is it a regulars’ club? Can dancers set their own prices? Is there a drink minimum? A dollar parade? Don’t get rolled because you didn’t know. 10. Do not complain about said “unwritten rules.” You are their guest. 11. Assume nothing. The first club I ever went to, the girls were forbidden to approach customers. 12. On every club trip, if possible, have a nearby backup in case the lineup at your first choice is lame. 13. Roughly half a strip club’s roster is long-timers, and half newbies who turn over. Sometimes you want old reliable, sometimes something new. Give the old club a look after a 6-12 month break. 14. If you keep feeling disappointed or shafted after going to your regular club, give it a break for a few months. 15. If you’re having a bad visit, don’t complain, move on. No girl will be much fun if you’re in a shitty mood. 16. Never do anything that brings heat on a club or dancer. Some of them are already in Dutch with the local cops. 17. Never do anything that jeopardizes a dancer’s safety. Hormones, jealousy, and cash are a dangerous mix. 18. Call out ROBs, but never connect names to extras. For the club’s sake, if not the dancers. 19. Conversely, it feels good to write reviews that direct business to good dancers. 20. Some of the ugliest or most unassuming clubs on the outside are the best on the inside. Don’t judge a book by its cover. 21. Even if you aren’t white/black/Hispanic/Asian/whatever, don’t be afraid to patronize a white/black/Hispanic/Asian/whatever club. One color rules all—green. 22. Every club sells an image, not just T&A. A “classy” club just means you shell out more money for less contact, and the image of yourself as a “gentleman.” 23. If you patronize “lower-end” clubs, be street-smart. Belligerent men and hormones can make a rough combination. Keep your head on a swivel, get your nose out of your phone, don’t look like a target. 24. Double the above in lower-end extras clubs. Some dudes haven’t read my advice and get territorial about strippers. 25. Tip the guy who says he’ll “watch your car,” or don’t park there. Better yet, don’t drive a luxury car through a bad neighborhood. 26. If the bartender says “you want to be out of here by 10 pm,” they’re looking out for your safety. They won’t chase away business for nothing. Take the hint and stay safe. On clubbing outside your hometown… 27. Don’t just research that club, research even clubs you don’t see yourself hitting. Know what’s normal for the city. 28. Know the neighborhood. Don’t look too out of place. Out-of-towner, dressed too well screams “mark.” 29. Do extra research in a new city. If a club is out of the way, it might be your only shot. Make it count. 30. Double that if you’re making a trip just for strip clubbing. You don’t want to go somewhere and find out clubs aren’t open Sundays, for example. 31. Some clubs can have a drastically different culture and lineup between day- and night-shift. 32. When on a business trip, faking a stomach bug is the best way to get away from forced coworker social time, and get in some club time. No one questions diarrhea. 33. The best city might not be the one you expect. Some “fun” cities like Las Vegas and New York are full of tourist traps. 34. One club may make a city. See Follies for Atlanta. Losing it dropped it down the list. 35. Clubbing in a new country brings a whole different set of rules. Live sex, ladyboys, FKKs, Tijuana. Know what you’re getting into, even if it isn’t your thing. On finding the right dancer… 36. If you want a dance from her, the second she's free, you have to pounce. She might not make it back around. Doubly so in regular’s clubs. 37. Dancers couldn’t be on time for their own funerals. Wait 2 hours into their shift, before you judge the lineup. But it won’t get better after that. 38. Shift change (usually ~6:30-8:00) is a great time to leave, grab a nice dinner, then come back for the night shift. 39. Scout the day’s lineup before taking one to VIP. Choose the best one, not the first one you talk to. And get her early in the shift, lest she get tied up, drunk, or decide to leave early. 40. Don’t shit-talk one dancer to another. She’ll assume you’re doing the same about her to the next girl. 41. Dancers are exquisitely political with one another. However, if one girl tries to swipe other girl’s customers, she is likely to be an ROB. 42. Be wary of hard-sellers. They turn into up-sellers. 43. If she isn’t a native English speaker, knowing even a little of her native tongue works wonders. 44. You may need to know more than that, if you want a conversation more than “wanna dance?” 45. If you want a busy dancer’s attention, your best bet is to ask another dancer. They are surprisingly cool with this, and will even fetch her from the dressing room. 46. Next best is to ask the doorman or VIP attendant. They often know the day’s lineup and are better than dancers to tell you who leaves happy. Some will even page her. 47. Third best is to tip at the rail. This doesn’t rank higher because many guys could be doing this and you may not stand out. 48. Per the last one, if you do this, tell her you’d like to get to know her better and where you’re sitting. She still might not make it there, but your odds improve. 49. “Making it rain” rarely gets her attention. It’s something guys do to show off to their buddies. 50. If she’s standing alone, she wants to be approached. 51. Don’t be afraid to approach her if she’s on her phone. But if she keeps looking at her phone while you’re talking to her, leave. 52. Don’t be afraid to approach her if she’s talking to another dancer. They get this. 53. If she gets bitchy or pissy when she sees you with another girl, avoid her. Do not reinforce her bad behavior. No dancer has a right to your cash, no matter how hot she is, or how many times you’ve VIPed with her. Don’t be a slave to your dick. 54. Per the former, don’t be a simp. Simping ruins strippers for the rest of us. 55. Have a burner phone or Google Voice number to give to dancers and clubs, even if you’re single. On not getting ripped off… 56. If you aren’t interested in this dancer, say “no thanks” rather than “maybe later.” Don’t waste her time or yours. 57. If she gets overly physically affectionate at the bar, she’s marking her territory for later. Don’t be afraid to say you aren’t interested. 58. Don’t get dances out of pity, or because you feel obligated after talking to her for 20 minutes. 59. You never have to tip beyond the negotiated rate, even if she hassles or threatens you. 60. If she asks for a drink, make sure it’s priced the same as yours. 61. When getting several dances, count the number of songs out loud, particularly if the DJ is crossfading them. 62. If she tries to upcharge or overestimate the dance count, don’t reflexively give in. Managers know ROBs, too. 63. Most dancers are poor judges of their own market value. Some hot ones don’t know it (especially if they aren’t tall, skinny blondes), some uglies have GPS. 64. Per the former, they will charge whatever they can get away with. Know the going rate, but ultimately everything is negotiable. On lap dances and VIPs… 65. Related to the last item, negotiate exactly what you’ll get back there. 66. At the same time, talk to her more than just “Hi, I’m Bob, I want to take you to the back.” She has to like you enough to put forth effort. 67. If she says she’ll do “anything you want” or “have fun,” you’ll be disappointed. Get specifics. 68. If you want a 2-on-1 in the back, get two girls who have chemistry with each other. 69. After 3 lap dances, you know her moves and what you're going to get. 70. Know what you want that day, whether it’s continuous $10 lappers or one grand $500 VIP. There is a time and place for both. 71. It never gets better "next time." Take the L and move on. 72. That said, if you build up a relationship with her as a person (not just as a repeat customer), her menu may expand. 73. Ask for what you want. But if the answer is “no,” accept it and move on. You won’t change her mind. Respect her limits. 74. Per the previous, don’t be sneaky and try to slip a finger in, etc. That’s sexual assault (and just not cool). 75. Never take the "tour of the club." It’s a ploy to get you in the back room quick. 76. Do your research. Once an ROB, always an ROB, no matter how hot. On extras and mileage… 77. Extras can be fun, but you’ll have some of your best times without them. 78. ITC lacks a lot of the elements that make sex special, like foreplay and kissing. But it has a subversive thrill. 79. Negotiate before your dick is hard or out. Your boundaries fade when you’re aroused. 80. Bring protection and napkins, discreetly. If you use them, dispose discreetly. 81. In fact, be discreet about everything related to extras. They’re illegal in the US. See the above about never bringing heat on a club. 82. Tip the doorman. It might get you a little extra time or a blind eye, not to mention good intel per the above. 83. If they play porn, it is an extras club, and they’re trying to rile you up to release. 84. If they have a sign that says “touching not allowed,” they’re just covering their ass. 85. You’re never the first guy she’s done “that” with. You won’t be the last. Deal. 86. YMMV. It ALWAYS does. She could be having a bad day or be on the rag. Chalk it up to the game. 87. The converse, every now and then she just needs some dick, and you’ll get a bargain. You didn’t earn that—that’s about her, not you. On bringing friends… 88. Teach your newbie friends the rules of the game, but know some lessons are only learned the hard way. 89. Per the last item, bring him to a place you’re a regular. Get him the royal treatment. Even if you say “he’s with me” and it gets him out of a pat-down, he’ll develop a newfound respect for you. 90. Sometimes the most outgoing or fun-loving guy doesn’t make the best SC companion. Naked women make some friends do strange things. 91. However, if female friends call your prospective guest “creepy” or “scary,” dancers will too. 92. You will build a special bond with a friend if you buy him pussy. 93. Different clubs are fun with different friends. You won’t have many conversations when the music is thumping. 94. Bachelor party strip club trips are HIGHLY overrated. You will only have as much fun as your least-fun friend there, and less dancer time as you have to (1) buy the bachelor dances, (2) talk to your friends, and (3) make sure your newbie friend doesn’t get into trouble. Because he will. 95. Keep the hobby separate from your professional life, even if your boss is the biggest pervert or monger you know. It’s not mainstream. 96. Don’t out your buddy as a clubber. Respect his privacy. On money… 97. Set a strip club budget for the MONTH, not the day or the week. This will keep you from spending too much on one day, but leave you room for one boffo trip. 98. One great club outing beats 10 mediocre ones. Sometimes you need to let it all out. But per the latter, adjust your budget accordingly. 99. Per the last one, strip clubs are horrible places to be cheap. You get a cheapskate reputation, and you miss out on personal interaction. Dancers and staff remember. 100. Not using credit or debit cards, or the club ATM, should go without saying. On balance… 101. If you think you have a problem with strip clubs, you have a problem. Don’t let the hobby consume your life. Set moral and financial boundaries. 102. If you think you’ve had too much to drink, you passed that threshold two drinks ago. 103. Per the former, drunk you isn’t half as cool or suave as you think. 104. Don’t let strip clubs substitute for civvie dating, but each can enhance the other. 105. Strip clubs can be great for getting over your anxiety at talking to women you’re interested in. They’re women too. 106. There are months you will want to club your ass off, and others you will want to take a break. This is natural. 107. Once clubbing becomes your “default” activity as a certain time, it may be time to mix it up. 108. Strip clubbing shouldn’t be your top hobby. Exercise (every man who is physically able should lift heavy weights), read, play a sport. Be a monger, not a PL. 109. Strip clubbing is best when you’re already enjoying life. 110. Per the last item, strip clubbing when you’re depressed or need to escape is a great way to become addicted. It stops being fun when it feels compulsive. 111. Like is said in The Hangover, some people can’t handle Vegas. Well, some people can’t handle strip clubs. Strip clubbing CAN be part of a balanced, fulfilling life, but it requires you to have control over your penis and wallet, two things many guys don’t have. Know thyself.