80 Pearls of Strip Club Wisdom
Tetradon
I'll act nicer if you'll act smarter.
On strippers in general…
1. They'll say anything to separate you from your money, but it still might be worth it.
2. Dancers couldn’t be on time for their own funerals. Wait 2 hours into their shift, before you judge the lineup. But it won’t get better after that.
3. She might like you as a person, but she doesn’t love you.
4. Be a normal human fucking being. You aren’t going to have some witty line she’s never heard before, or impress her by insulting her.
5. Asking her real name or if she has a boyfriend is cliché at best, creepy at worst.
6. Most are not "damsels in distress." They can make a pretty good living doing this and don't want to be "saved."
On choosing a club…
7. Know the "unwritten rules" and etiquette of the club. Is it a regulars’ club? Can dancers set their own prices? Is there a drink minimum? A dollar parade?
8. On every club trip, have a nearby backup in case the lineup at your first choice is lame.
9. Roughly half a strip club’s roster is long-timers, and half newbies who turn over. Sometimes you want old reliable, sometimes something new. Give the old club a look after a 6-12 month break.
10. If you keep feeling disappointed or shafted after going to your regular club, give it a break for a few months.
11. Never do anything that brings heat on a club or dancer. Some of them are already in Dutch with the local cops.
12. Call out ROBs, but never connect names to extras. For the club’s sake, if not the dancers.
13. Conversely, it feels good to write reviews that direct business to good dancers.
14. Some of the ugliest or most unassuming clubs on the outside are the best on the inside. Don’t judge a book by its cover.
15. Even if you aren’t black or Hispanic, don’t be afraid to patronize a black or Hispanic club. One color rules all—green.
16. Every club sells an image, not just T&A. A “classy” club just means you shell out more money for less contact, and the image of yourself as a “gentleman.”
On clubbing outside your hometown…
17. Don’t just research that club, research even clubs you don’t see yourself hitting. Know what’s normal for the city.
18. Don’t look too out of place. Out-of-towner, dressed too well screams “mark.”
19. Do extra research in a new city. If a club is out of the way, it might be your only shot. Make it count.
20. When on a business trip, faking a stomach bug is the best way to get away from forced coworker social time, and get in some club time. No one questions diarrhea.
21. The best city might not be the one you expect. Some “fun” cities like Las Vegas and New York are full of tourist traps.
22. One club may make a city. See Follies for Atlanta. Losing it dropped it down the list.
23. Clubbing in a new country brings a whole different set of rules. Live sex, ladyboys, FKKs, Tijuana. Know what you’re getting into, even if it isn’t your thing.
On finding the right dancer…
24. If you want a dance from her, the second she's free, you have to pounce like a cat. She might not make it back around. Doubly so in regular’s clubs.
25. Shift change (usually ~6:30-8:00) is a great time to leave, grab a nice dinner, then come back for the night shift.
26. Scout the day’s lineup before taking one to VIP. Choose the best one, not the first one you talk to. And get her early in the shift, lest she get tied up, drunk, or decide to leave early.
27. Be wary of hard-sellers. They turn into up-sellers.
28. If she isn’t a native English speaker, knowing even a little of her native tongue works wonders.
29. You may need to know more than that, if you want a conversation more than “wanna dance?”
30. If you want a busy dancer’s attention, your best bet is to ask another dancer. They are surprisingly cool with this, and will even fetch her from the dressing room.
31. Next best is to ask the doorman or VIP attendant. They often know the day’s lineup, and are better than dancers to tell you who leaves happy.
32. Third best is to tip at the rail. This doesn’t rank higher because many guys could be doing this and you may not stand out.
33. “Making it rain” rarely gets her attention. It’s something guys do to show off to their buddies.
34. If she’s standing alone, she wants to be approached.
35. Don’t be afraid to approach her if she’s on her phone. But if she keeps looking at her phone while you’re talking to her, leave.
36. Don’t be afraid to approach her if she’s talking to another dancer.
37. If she gets bitchy or pissy when she sees you with another girl, avoid her. Do not reinforce her bad behavior. No dancer has a right to your cash, and no matter how hot she is, or how many times you’ve VIPed with her. Don’t be a slave to your dick.
38. Have a burner phone or Google Voice number to give to dancers and clubs.
On not getting ripped off…
39. If you aren’t interested in this dancer, say “no thanks” rather than “maybe later.” Don’t waste her time or yours.
40. If she gets overly physically affectionate at the bar, she’s marking her territory for later.
41. Don’t get dances out of pity, or because you feel obligated after talking to her for 20 minutes.
42. You never have to tip beyond the negotiated rate, even if she hassles or threatens you.
43. If she asks for a drink, make sure it’s priced the same as yours.
44. When getting several dances, count the number of songs out loud, particularly if the DJ is crossfading them.
45. If she tries to upcharge or overestimate the dance count, don’t reflexively give in. Managers know ROBs, too.
46. Most dancers are poor judges of their own market value. Some hot ones don’t know it (especially if they aren’t tall, skinny blondes), some uglies have GPS.
On lap dances and VIPs…
47. Never negotiate when your dick is hard or out.
48. After 3 lap dances, you know her moves and what you're going to get.
49. Know what you want that day, whether it’s continuous $10 lappers or one grand $500 VIP.
50. It never gets better "next time." Take the L and move on.
51. Ask for what you want. But if the answer is “no,” accept it and move on. You won’t change her mind. Respect her limits.
52. Per the previous, don’t be sneaky and try to slip a finger in, etc. It’s just not cool.
53. Never take the "tour of the club." It’s a ploy to get you in the back room quick.
54. Do your research. Once an ROB, always an ROB, no matter how hot.
On extras and mileage…
55. Bring protection and napkins, discreetly. If you use them, dispose discreetly.
56. If they play porn, it is an extras club.
57. If they have a sign that says “touching not allowed,” they’re just covering their ass.
58. Extras can be fun, but you’ll have some of your best times without them.
59. ITC lacks a lot of the elements that make sex special, like foreplay and kissing. But it has a subversive thrill.
60. You’re never the first guy she’s done “that” with. You won’t be the last.
61. YMMV. It ALWAYS does. She could be having a bad day or be on the rag. Chalk it up to the game.
On bringing friends…
62. Teach your newbie friends the rules of the game, but some lessons are only learned the hard way.
63. Sometimes the most outgoing or fun-loving guy doesn’t make the best SC companion. Naked women make some friends do strange things.
64. However, if female friends call your prospective guest “creepy” or “scary,” dancers will too.
65. You will build a special bond with a friend if you buy him pussy.
66. Different clubs are fun with different friends. You won’t have many conversations when the music is thumping.
67. Bachelor party strip club trips are HIGHLY overrated. You will only have as much fun as your least-fun friend there, and less dancer time as you have to (1) buy the bachelor dances, (2) talk to your friends, and (3) make sure your newbie friend doesn’t get into trouble. Because he will.
68. Keep the hobby separate from your professional life. It’s not mainstream.
69. Don’t out your buddy as a clubber. Respect his privacy.
On money…
70. Set a strip club budget for the MONTH, not the day or the week. This will keep you from spending too much on one day, but leave you room for one boffo trip.
71. One great club session beats 10 mediocre ones. Sometimes you need to let it all out. But per the latter, adjust your budget accordingly.
72. Not using credit or debit cards should go without saying.
On balance…
73. If you think you have a problem with strip clubs, you have a problem. Don’t let the hobby consume your life. Set moral and financial boundaries.
74. If you think you’ve had too much to drink, you passed that threshold two drinks ago.
75. Don’t let strip clubs substitute for civvie dating, but each can enhance the other.
76. There are months you will want to club your ass off, and others you will want to take a break. This is natural.
77. Once clubbing becomes your “default” activity as a certain time, it may be time to mix it up.
78. Strip clubbing shouldn’t be your top hobby. Exercise, read, play a sport. Be a monger, not a PL.
79. Strip clubbing is best when you’re already having a good time, not to lift you out of depression.
80. Like is said in The Hangover, some people can’t handle Vegas. Well, some people can’t handle strip clubs. Strip clubbing CAN be part of a balanced, fulfilling life, but it requires you to have control over your penis and wallet, two things many guys don’t have. Know thyself.
Adjudicators
Want 4 weeks free VIP to tuscl?
Write an article
14 comments
Latest
@Scrub, great one. I should find 20 more and make it an even 100.
like you said....SURPRINGLY dancers don't have a problem going to get another dancer you're interested in. i found this surprising as well. i always figured they didn't wanna fetch another dancer for you because they're competing with each other
@Scrub, excellent advice, seriously. Good to see you learned from years of fingering your mom's hairy, unkempt snatch.