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We've all been there. Walk into a strip club and immediately confronted with a stripper who probably isn't qualified to strip, and and asks if you want to purchase dances. Many men before me have bought these pity dances in attempt to be nice and cheery, and make their strip club experience "The feel good hit of the summer" I'm here to say no and that's faggy. Now there are some who just say "No thanks" and move on with their day but that's too simple and successful, let's find ways to really put a punctuation mark on your visit. Let 'em know what's good. The following tips are designed are tried, tested and approved and coming at you in 3,2,1..

-Take the stage. That's right. It's your time to show the world how you dance the night away. Your a male stripper and your about to go all Richard Simmons up there, and they have no idea it's coming. She's just gotta wait.

-Your an extras on the floor guy only. If she's calls you on your bluff then you know what she might actually be a keeper.

-ZZZzzzTop. Sleep apnea is real. Also somebody spiked your drink it's over for you. She'll leave. Just be sure to sleep with wallet pocket clutched

-Broke Folk. "Sorry I'm broke" This one looks great when you then immediately buy a hour in the champagne room with actual hot girl.

-"I'm waiting on...." "Who?" "Star, yeah star" "But we don't have a star" "You sure?" "Yes in fact I'm the only girl working right now" "Oh" If it doesn't work out proceed to....

-Run! Stand up and sprint out the door. Screaming for effect. My tried and true, most effective solution. Guaranteed. It just might be a little weird going back, that's all.

-Bad Parking. Park right in front of the front entrance so nobody can leave and hope for a timely announcement on the PA system to save your ass.

-911. Call the police. THERE ARE UNSAFE SEXUAL ACTS BEING PERFORMED AT THIS ESTABLISHMENT AND I NEED A SWAT TEAM NOW TO RAID THE JOINT. Read about it on TUSCL the next day. Save $20. Profit.

-Clear the table. You didn't wolf down 4 grilled stuffed burritos from Taco Bell for the taste. It was for this moment. Unload in your pants. Adult diaper my be handy. What I love about this method is, no words or thinking is really even necessary.

-Clear the room. Pull out your 9 from your sweatpants and open fire, upward to avoid unnecessary casualties. This tends to make people scatter so you can now make your great escape.

-Dump & Bump. "No I'm not interested in my a dance but my friend definitely is" Whisper "he is crazy for you" Dump her on a friend and keep it moving. I'll bring G-Unit sized posse into the club just for this very reason.

-Tool Time. Walk around with a tape measure, pencil in ear. Your not a PL your Tim Allen. You have have manly man job things to do, you can't be buying dances. I usually go to the club in blue jeans anyway. There are things to fix in VIP.

-Change, that's just the way it is. Dig for any spare change that you were probably gonna throw out anyway and stick it in her bra as penance for not getting a dance. Don't think of it as being cheap, think of it as helping to bulletproof her boobies.

-Enjoy the silence. Silent treatment is cold and harsh. Add in a 1000 yard stare. For those with ice water in their veins. But ooooh awkward. Not for the faint of heart.

-Demonize. Whisper to a passing rival stripper that this stripper next to me said you look fat in that spandex. On the spot 2amer.

-It can Pay to get Gay with the DJ. The custies and dancers maybe wondering why this one stripper got called to the stage 7 times in the last hour but you'll know oh you'll know.

-Sharing is NOT caring. Order two pints of Guinness and offer her the other. She'll walk. Ain't no stripper drinking some shit like that. Many of these girls are Long Island Iced Tea or bust.

-Engage Main Stage. Treat that lazy, apathetic, no dancing stripper up there like she's WHAM and uh you are somebody that would buy front row seats for WHAM. What? Not me I would never do that, no never. Ok yes. Your ugly stripper will get the hint of who is truly No.1 in your heart.

-"I gotta take a leak". The only issue is your going from one problem to another. Now you gotta deal with not tipping the bathroom guy. So you tell him, you gotta see a stripper. Back and forth, back and forth. Always on the run. The circle of life of the PL in the strip club. It makes you wonder why you even came in the first place.

-Tell her what you actually drive.

-To be unattracted, get distracted. Read the ingredients on the back of the beer bottle. Read again. And again. And again. Until she goes away. Now tell me how many calories in your Corona?

-Pimp dat ho fo sho. Attempt to pimp this girl out instead. Turn it on her. No trick, bitch slap style. Basically use anything IceyLoco has taught you and watch women scatter like spraying Raid on roaches. Purple suit recommended.

-Endless chew, and no dances for you. Get a nice big steak still moving rare. Just start munching away when she approaches. As she waits for answer just point to your mouth, you can't answer right now your still chewing, it's rude. Blame the chef.

-Come out of the closet. Nothing wrong with an "I'm a homosexual" It's the 2020's and it's a new world. *WARNING* Beware, you may now be subject to a 45 minute handbag conversation. *shudders*

-Conga line. This one takes teamwork. Plan with your fellow patrons. Pay the DJ off for some Gloria Estefan and have at it.

-When in doubt. As an emergency fall back, if you just don't know what to do. Run "The System" on her. It is guaranteed to have them fleeing in terror.

It has been spoken and now you got it made. If your still having trouble consult your local gynecologist. Now in the meantime let me get $45 dances with this girl next to me so she finally leaves me alone.

Adjudicators

tuscl

Tetradon

LVclubber

Started a little bit funny, but got offensive.

minnow

Incoherent

bsa694fun