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knownassteve

There are few really great places to see naked ladies in London that are anywhere near as much fun as they were 15 years ago. With a couple of exceptions, air dances are common, expensive upsells are frequent and genuine fun frustratingly rare.

The least friendly atmosphere I've experienced has been at the club that has in the past offered the highest mileage. Whites, near Fenchurch Street, it a club, not a pub and charges an entry fee (I've paid £20).They often ask to store your bag at the door (I once left a work bag with a laptop in it and it was all present and correct on return). The girls are mostly European and Brazilian. In the standard booths, the dances are £20-£60, depending on the length and naughtiness. I've had two gorgeous dancers with their hands down my jeans for £50, only stopping when the bouncer wandered nearby. The dancers are many, however and being pounced on immediately upon entry is pretty much guaranteed. The VIP rooms run to hundreds of pounds and the famed limo dances (now discontinued apparently) are said to have included two dancers in a limo driving around London fucking you the whole time. I can't speak from experience on this, but the London newspapers talked of the club being closed down after an investigation. Who knows? Despite the potential mileage and edgy atmosphere, I've found some of the dancers to be quite aggressive and mercenary. The drinks are pricey too.

The friendliest now is the Nags Head (see my recent review), with decent mileage and nice, friendly dancers. The drinks prices are sensible and the door staff/bouncers are good too.

The least fun I've had was in Majingoes near Limehouse. It gets okay reviews, but I found it sterile and lacking in actual fun. Club Oops, round the corner from Whites, looked like fun (though it's air dances only), but my dancer was not interested or interesting, plus it became obvious that she had a tampon inserted, which kind of took the hotness out of the dance. I didn't return.

There are a bunch of others that sit in the middle of all this. Metropolis is somewhere you could tak e your wife for a hot night out (I did) and The Horns is very standard (no touching, low mileage, but a decent pub). Browns is non-contact too, but with gorgeous girls, big-screen sport and a nice venue. The Rainbow Sports bar is undergoing refurbishment as I write but it has mostly been somewhere with some ropey girls offering varying dances. Nothing as close as Ye Olde Axe but often much better than The Horns. Ye Olde Axe is London's mileage winner. Dances happen in a room with other customers, but nobody cares. It's enormous fun, if a bit pushy on the upselling. I'm told there's a secret, full-service strip club not far from the Axe/Browns, but I'm yet to be invited!

Dances in London tend to be £20, fully nude. Stage shows cost £1 in a pint glass. If you don't put your quid in, you're asked to leave. If you don't leave, you'll be ejected. Most girls will try some sort of upsell and I'm unable to report than it has ever led to any actual improvement in the mileage of the dance. Decide in advance what you'll spend on a dance and stick to it. I have a rule that I pay first, so the dancer can never just continue and ask for triple the fee. I've seen this happen - it's not pretty.

Every club officially operates a no-contact rule. Each dancer is different. Clubs like Browns have a large gap between you and the dancer, making contact impossible.

I've been offered "outside the club" fun a few times, but haven't indulged. A few of the girls will tell you that they're on sites like Adultwork.

Outside a few clubs, notably the Rainbow and the Axe, taxis wait outside once it's late, offering to take you to girls you can fuck. Do not use these, they are always a scam. You'll end up losing a lot of money. There are plenty of massage parlours if you want to go a little further. To be fair, the clubs do discourage these con artists.

Most Uber/taxi drivers will know the locations I've mentioned. None of them are in dangerous areas and there are "regular" bars near all of them. Above The Horns is Golden Bee - probably the best cocktail bar in London. The Nags Head sits at one end of Brick Lane. Whites is near loads of pubs and bars.