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Lofn

Queen of the day shift

Just as there are certain types of customers who go to strip clubs, so there are types at bachelor parties. At parties, the roles seem even more consistent and sharply defined. Maybe that's because weddings tend to sort people into hierarchies based their relationship with the bride and groom. Anybody who's been to a wedding has a pretty good idea of what I'm talking about.

So here are a few bachelor party guest stereotypes.

1. The Bachelor

The big kahuna; the star of the show. He generally submits to his nude lap dances with a sense of obligation rather than genuine prurience. He's well-aware that he is his buddies' excuse to get drunk and throw money at strippers, and he doesn't want to disappoint. Though he's fortunate because we strippers lavish the bulk of our attention on him, he also has to put up with the type of humiliation games endemic to frat initiations. We put a dog collar on him, ride him around, make him drink beer from a dog bowl, etc--while his buds whoop and holler about how he has to "get used to it." We also yank down his pants and whip him with his own belt. This never fails to get an enthusiastic crowd response. For some reason, nothing riles up a group of straight men like watching another man get his ass spanked.

So yeah, generally the Bachelors are figureheads, an excuse, the quiet, vacant eye in the center of the storm. I think this bodes well for their marriages.

2. The Best Man

The Best Man really is the best, in my opinion, because he pays me. Unfortunately, he often suffers from the delusion that he's got an in with me. He's not unlike the loser at strip clubs who brags about "knowing all the staff" or "being friends with the manager." He thinks it's okay to bust into the room where I'm changing, or to follow me in to the bathroom between sets and make suggestions and note the time remaining, or to ask me if I need a drink and if everything is "okay" (I don't mind this as much as the other two). Basically, he thinks that the rules that apply to the others guests don't apply to him. It's probably the closest he will ever get to having any authority over strippers, and it doesn't hurt too much to indulge his ego trip. But you have to be firm with him and tell him to get out, or he will hang around while you are trying to change, touch up your makeup, and otherwise chill for a few minutes.

Also, the Best Man expects special treatment since he's dishing out the cash (or collecting it from his buddies), so in the bachelor party hierarchy, his needs are second only to the Bachelor's.

3. The Guy Who's Way Too Into It (TGWWTII)

Unabashedly horny and grope-y, assumes you are full service and propositions you accordingly.
"What do you say I go down on you for a while?" TGWWTII asked last weekend. "I'm sure all these guys--" TGWWTII gestured at the circle of party attendees--"would tip very generously to watch."
"Um...no."

4. The Virgin

The Virgin is always quite young and cute and enthusiastic. He smiles beatifically at my breasts and makes me feel like a sexy temptress. He's just as horny as TGWWTII, but he's so awkward and dorky that it's kind of adorable, like watching a bunny rabbit hump a coffee table leg.

The Virgin's job is To Make The Non-Virgins Feel Good About Their Relative Sexual Prowess. The Non-Virgins in the room get to make sage remarks, like "See, that's what a clit looks like," and wry observations to one another about the Virgin's overly excited reaction to the lap dances ("Wow, he's really enjoying that.") They also have ironic nicknames for him, which they deploy when he does something particularly bold, like rip his own shirt off: "You animal! Go for it, you sex god, you!"

If the Virgin knows that everyone else is having a chuckle at his expense, he never seems to mind.

5. The Drill Sergeant

He spends most of the show barking out orders: "Suck on her titties a little. Now grab that ass. Go ahead, grab it. Stick your finger up in there." We ignore him at first. Eventually, we tell him to shut up.

6. The "Gay" Guy

Declines lapdances--"I'm gay!"--but spends the entire show glued to his chair, mesmerized or snapping pictures with his phone. Occasionally turns out to be a hetero dude masquerading as gay to avoid getting too intimate with us and potentially angering his wife. Or possibly he's living out a fantasy of his own, one that involves less lapdancing and more role-playing.