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Perhaps my intention of writing this article is a bit of introspection and venting.

I wanted to catalog my experience with strip clubs, strippers, transitively drugs and self destructive behavior.

I had been to strip club once before in my early twenties, and didn't really get into it. I found it a little weird awkward. When I was in my mid twenties, I got into a big argument with my girlfriend at the time which caused us to break up and my friend and I decided to go to a strip club to help me get over the bad breakup.

I should mention - as this is a pivotal part of what has facilitated my behavior - that my family is very wealthy. I always had issues with drugs and authority, since I started smoking pot at 13 years old. I ended up in rehab a few times eventually culminating in a 17 month stay in residential treatment. I have a large trust from my family which is enough that I would never need to work, but a contingency of the release of the trust accounts was twofold: 1) I see a therapist weekly and 2) I get and maintain a job. I was able to mostly fake my way through a good college and grad school, thanks to my family's connections and the occasional donation from my father when I would get into trouble. I ended up getting a relatively prestigious job in private equity after finishing grad school. On paper, I looked very good, in reality I was doing $500+ of cocaine per week.

Anyway, thats the back story. I went to this strip club with my friend. I figured I would need a lot of money, but being a strip club newbie, and basing what to expect mostly off rap videos, I brought a few thousand dollars in ones. By the time we got to the strip club, I was near blackout drunk, very very high on cocaine and just looking to blow off steam over my ex girlfriend. I identified whom I thought to be the most attractive stripper I could find (she also looked about 18) and asked her for a private dance. We went to the VIP room and I asked her how much I could buy. She asked if I meant sex and I said yes. I guess she saw the few thousand in ones I had and quoted me a ridiculous price. Maybe to test the water and see what I would say. I ended up giving her two thousand dollars and had sex with her in the VIP.

After we finished, I was buttoning up my pants and the receipt from the ATM I went to beforehand fell out of my pants and she picked it up and started reading it. This was a withdrawal from my trust account so the remaining amount would be pretty impressive to most strippers. She picked up my phone, without asking me, and texted herself. She told me that we could do this regularly and she would be discreet about it. Sounded good to me and I took off.

About a week later, I was bored at my condo on the weekend, and coked out (as usual). I decided to text her. part of me thought she wouldn't actually respond or it was a fake number. But she responded in about 30 seconds. We agreed to meet up. She asked if she could have $2,000 again but I was a bit more sober this time and knew that was excessive so I told her I would give her $900 every time I saw her and $1,200 if it caused her to miss work. She agreed.

Thus began a regular p4p relationship that was pretty good except I was dramatically overpaying her but given I was blowing through my family's money and I was high all the time, I didnt really give a shit. One day, though, I asked her if she would do coke with me. She told me that she did not do cocaine or any drugs other than pot because she had a bad history of addiction as a kid and problems in her family from drugs. I responded that I didn't want to continue our arrangement unless she got high with me.

This is when things started to go downhill for both of us. fast.

We would meet up, get fucked up beyond belief - usually finishing at least one bottle of liquor between the two of us, an 8ball of coke, pills (usually roxis - smoked), and anything else.

Our sex also started to become very violent and dark. One time, during sex, she told me "you can hit me in the face." I wasn't really sure about it, but I figured I might as well, and did so. She seemed to get off o n it. Another time she asked me to choke her until she passed out. I did it.

I soon found out that she wasn't doing p4p with anyone else, and had only done it a couple times before. I found out that she hates herself for stripping, hates herself for doing p4p and is drunk and high all day to cope with it. The cocaine use that I pushed on her seemed to have opened up a huge can of worms and her drug use got out of control. I was paying her probably $1,800 per week plus paying for all her drugs.

We would get loaded with each other pretty regularly. I wouldn't always pay her. Sometimes I wouldn't. We were mostly just drug addicts, but I would take care of all the financial things she needed. Car, rent, whatever.

She ended up quitting her job stripping and moved into a new place and got a new car while she was on my "payroll."

I ended up snorting a hole in my nose that developed into chronic nose bleeds. I started feeling (what felt like) heart palpitations. I was diagnosed as hypertensive. Keep in mind, I am in my mid 20s.

I started considering killing myself as the ups and downs from the chronic cocaine use became relatively unbearable. In a last effort to try to fix my life, I tried getting back with my ex girlfriend and stopping drugs and seeing this stripper. This could not have come for a worst time for her, because probably 2 days after I made that decision, she got a felony arrest for possession of cocaine. I told her I would get her a lawyer to beat the case... I ended up blowing her off and not returning her calls or texts for months.

Months later, things didn't work out with my ex and I started using drugs again, in full force. I decided to see if she was still around and I texted her. She responded in less than 30 seconds. I found out that she had blown all her money on drugs and nightclubs. She was evicted from her apartment as she was unable to pay her rent, lost her car and got charged with a felony. She said she was trying to make some changes in her life, didnt want to go back to stripping and didnt want to go back to using drugs. She asked me if I knew anywhere she could maybe apply for a job as a waitress.

I told her that I would pay her the usual $900-$1,200 to get high and have sex, instead. She agreed. We are now back in the same cycle. She has been able to move into a new place and get a new car. My nose won't stop bleeding and lately when I get high I worry I may have a heart attack.

Thats where we are now.