Strip Clubbing in Mexico

<p> a) Remember the rules are the same as at home but the punishment for breaking them is far more severe.<br /> The anything goes days are gone, for the most part. You don&#39;t want to go to clubs that still have that attitude, unless you are very fluent and don&#39;t look caucasian. Do you have a Zapata moustache and a tatoo of the Virgin of Guadalupe on your chest or back? I didn&#39;t think so...<br /> <br /> b) No touching, unless you are invited AND are serious about paying for the pleasure and have the money. A wrong touch is serious, but a wrong touch under the premise of having money to pay when you don&#39;t will get your sht seriously messed up.<br /> <br /> c) Many clubs have metal dectors or at least a decent security pat down. The guys doing it are fckn gorillas.<br /> <br /> d) Tip the fckn gorillas EVEN if you are never planning on returning. You never know what will happen in Mexico and you just might make a friend who will help you out at the oddest time. Tip the security, for a table of four rowdy gringos a crisp $100 peso note will do fine (for the table and not for each guy) and hand it to the guy personally and say thanks. The guy will keep an eye on you as you leave and make sure you get the fck out of Dodge safely.<br /> <br /> e) Dancers can be any age or any sex. Be careful. Be very, very careful. Only an idiot would pay for sex from a TJ, Ciudad Juarez, or Matamoros stripper. Farther south, it is your call. About 50% of the dancers in major metro areas are foreigners ranging from Guatemala and Hounduras to Costa Rica to Hungary and Romania. In the small towns the numbers change to a clear majority of Mexican nationals.<br /> Save your money.<br /> <br /> f) If someone is selling cigarettes or gum near the shttrs, buy something, that same guy selling the confections might be handy if you want to know who is the cleanest dancer if you are dead set on getting laid in the strip club rather than the discos. For what it costs you to get fckd in a strip club you can have suprising luck in a disco with a local chick who is not a stripper, just horny. Watch out for jealous boyfriends if you take this route. Most judges will call it legit homicide if someone kills you while you are doing their old lady in Mexico.<br /> <br /> g) Do not bring drugs into a strip club or purchase them while inside or outside the club. EVER! Local cops do regular raids on strip joints where they close the doors and go table to table with strict gunpoint pat downs and searchs.<br /> Remember those new &quot;friends&quot; you are making, the guy at the shttr selling smokes and the guys on the door who you are tipping or have tipped before? They just might tell you to leave with 15 mins notice to miss one of those little sessions that explore the boundaries of your human rights while visiting Mexico. If they tell you to go, then go. They will tell you when it is safe to come back and you should listen.<br /> If an &quot;operativo&quot; by the cops happens while you are there, be very cool, do not draw attention to yourself by screaming for more tequila and a lap dance, and be very polite. Your whole world suddenly has become very small and your near future is in the hands of these cops. Just hope they don&#39;t feel like planting something on you. Often the security guys will help you out as they want you to spend your money in the club and not be giving it to the cops. Get it? DO NOT FIGHT WITH THE SECURITY GUYS OR THE COPS. Duhhh! Forget what you have seen in movies like Big Wednesday, those days are gone, long gone, and never really existed like that in the first place.<br /> <br /> h) Don&#39;t buy mixed drinks. About 80% of all liquor sold in Mexico in bars and clubs is illegal liquor that is adulterated.<br /> How? Well the Hacienda seals on the bottles are stolen from the printing warehouse in Mexico. Local liquor distellers split up the legit bottles of liquor with their homemade sht. And it is vile. Ever wonder why a hangover in Mexico is so bad?<br /> Ever see any unbroken high end liquor bottles as litter in Mexico? Of course not. Those bottles are wiped down and filled with the homemade sht and sold to dumb gringos.<br /> Buy beer, they will uncap it at the table, if they bring it to you with the cap off, be wary of this. Usually you can buy beer by the bucket on ice, a six pack of bottles called a &quot;cubetazo&quot; or &quot;bucket&quot;. Drugged drinks to a table of gringos in the less classy and tougher strip joints is par for the course and you wake up in the alley with no wallet. Or just puke a lot and stumble around. Tough to get laid when you are doing that.<br /> <br /> i) Don&#39;t trust taxi drivers advice for clubs. Ask some locals and they will tell you. Ask some young guys at a taco stand or a Pemex station and they will point you in the right direction and they are smart enough not to send you to El Shthole Strip Club and Cockfight Lounge. They will know what is right for you.<br /> <br /> j) Don&#39;t steal sht from a club. Signs etc...stay where they are. Buy your souveniers someplace else.<br /> <br /> k) Don&#39;t fight with the macho locals. If they are hassling you, the security guys will act fast, just ask to be moved to another table and tip the guys doing the moving of your drinks and sht, don&#39;t pick up your drinks yourself. The movers will do this as a courtesy and to try to inject some style and panache to the club. NEVER PICK UP A CHAIR AND LIFT IT OVER YOUR HEAD TO MOVE IT SOME PLACE ELSE! That is just plain dumb in any strip club anywhere.<br /> <br /> l) If you don&#39;t feel comfortable in the club, leave, tell them you are visiting Mormons and are afraid of getting busted by the local mission director. If they ask.<br /> <br /> m) If you win a fight in a Mexican strip club, you will lose it when it resumes outside. Every single time. Though you are lucky if you get a second chance after the first outdoor fight.<br /> And don&#39;t end up in a ditch.<br /> <br /> n) I prefer the non-high end but not totally shthole places. These are more working class, type clubs where people go to relax with their buds and not cause sht. These clubs are busiest on the 15th and 30th of every month as those are the traditional pay days or &quot;quincenas&quot; in Mexico and the workers have cash. You usually won&#39;t pay a cover, a bucket will cost you around 50 to 80 pesos depending on the time of day and if it is happy hour, before the quincena days when local money is tight. You often get a free table dance ticket if you buy liquor, but skip that. Not worth it.<br /> <br /> o) Outside of major metro areas, a decent strip club night out will cost you about 35 bucks US per person. Do not pay in American cash and do not flash your money, keep the bills in your pants along with your pecker. You can pay a lot more in Mexico City and forget it in CanCun or Cabo. You will pay a lot less if you are in the more out of the way places that are still city sized but not really well known. Like Tapachula in Chiapas, or Villahermosa or Tampico or such.<br /> <br /> Just some thoughts from 29 years experience.<br /> <br /> And don&#39;t ever eat at a buffet at a strip club...And if you puke, offer to clean up the mess or at least tip the Security guy nicely for getting the mop guy and yes, tip the mop guy.<br /> They will treat you like a visiting dignatary when you return.<br /> The puking is forgiven, but what is considered bad manners never is. Always show respect to all the employees.<br /> <br /> If you are organizing a bachelor party deal with a special stage show where the strippers get the guy naked on the stage and it gets really kinky, set a price for everything first, with a manager from the club who will organize it. Don&#39;t hassle the guy or rush the guy, take your time, it is Mexico, it will happen, and it will be berry, berry goooouuuuud. No cameras, please. A show like that will cost you about 25 bucks and it will be three or four &quot;viejas&quot; that you have previously chosen and the poor fkcr that you are putting on show. You will probably have some locals buying you beer or dropping by for a laugh after the little show, and you will make some new friends to drink with.<br /> <br /> Strip clubs in Mexico are not some macho right of passage sht where you have to prove how tough or stupid you are, they are just about having fun, lots of it, in a very primordial fashion. For the people in the club, they have seen it all, you are not going to impress them unless you can trip on your ***** or benchpress a busload of elephants. But in the border clubs, they have probably seen that, too!</p>