So, I've been friends with a particular dancer a long time. She doesn't dance anymore, of course. She lives with her dad who's elderly and he's retired.
Her dad's not especially mobile, he's in his 80s. She just turned 50. We've been friends since the early 90s when we were in our 20s.
They got hit with a $10,000 bill for housing. If it wasn't paid, her and her dad would be kicked out of their apartment. I've been to that apartment once or twice. And I've met her dad several times and been around him. Their apartment is filled with stuff. And they live on the top floor. I can't imagine all their stuff getting kicked out.
I have good credit. I thought about it, and their bill was due suddenly. I was able to get a personal loan. I personally paid the $10k. Meaning I went straight to the place and paid them directly, I did not give any money to her or her dad. They were able to stay. I did this with her dad in mind, not her. Elderly dude like that, I want him to be comfortable. He's retired. He can't do much.
Thing is: so far, I never told her I took out a personal loan. And believe it or not, I was able to quickly pay off that loan. I can't believe it either.
So she thinks I just had the money lying around and just paid it. I never told her I took out a loan. I mean the money was due, nobody else could help, something had to be done quickly. She hasn't given me a dime, so far, it's been two years.
I'm wondering should I tell her and show proof that I took out a 10k loan so she and her dad could stay in their apartment? But it's been 2 years, I never said anything before?
I don't want sexual favors from her. She doesn't have to repay the 10k, I did this for her dad (who didn't ask) but it'd be nice if she repaid me at least $2-$3,000 for doing that outta nowhere and beat the deadline. Again, all this time she didn't know I took out a loan. And paid it off myself.
When I paid the $10k, with the instant loan check, there wasn't any contract written up or any discussion of her paying me back. I didn't want a full payback, but I assumed whenever we hung out, maybe she'd pay the IHop bill, pay the McDonald's bill, get me a Christmas gift, at least. It's been 2 years, nothing.
I want absolutely no sexual favors. I'd love some free McDonald's, free Qdoba, free Subway, I don't care, time-to-time. I've never mentioned this. I just ASSUMED a person would be grateful and do this--we've known each other since the early 90s.
I'm wondering if I show her and tell her by the way, 2 years ago, I paid that emergency with a loan that I paid off. Would she then time-to-time show appreciation?
I can just let the whole thing go. I was the one who did this, this way. I chose this, I need to accept the aftermath.
Or is two years later to late to bring this up? Just wondering...
Replies (18)Latest
I think the old guy owes you a . . .
Nah, can't say it; bad joke
Me thinks, somehow, you should drop this. Resolve to get expectations clarified in any future dealings.
You're obviously a good-hearted man but I'm not following why it matters whether the $10K came from a loan (since repaid) or from savings, except to drive home that you didn't happen to have $10K lying around. . Your friend apparently had no reason to appreciate that, and no expectations were established at the time about repayment and she assumed, legitimately, that you did this out of the goodness of your heart, which appears to have been the case.
Bringing this up in any fashion two years down the road will get you nowhere. No repayment, no comped meals, nothing. It could easily damage your relationship with somebody you thought highly enough of 2 years ago to take out a $10K loan without nailing down repayment terms. You haven't mentioned potential legal action, but that would be futile as well
"Give without remembering, accept without forgetting." - Bedouin proverb
This is how I live my life. Do what you will.
You got taken, my man. She told you about the $10k housing challenge knowing you would likely fund some/all of it. Why would you mention payback, since it seems she didn't specifically ask for you to do it, and she didn't agree to pay it back.
And; hard to believe you don't have $10k available, as a PL. Why engage in PL activities if you don't have $10k?
Your ship had sailed. Let it go. I know the money hole hirts, but whatever. Count it as a bonus when you go in front of the big man up top, but leave it alone.
Are they renting or do they own a condo? $10,000 seems like a very round number, for back rent or a condo special assessment. Did you pay it in cash, in an alley to a guy in a wide-brimmed purple hat?
I'm going to add my comment to the 100% don't bring it up now position.
Although I agree that she "should show" some gratitude/thanks in the form of some attempt to pay back (even with meal incidentals as you stated).....she isn't, nor is she going to. It's been two years, if she were going to show that, it would have happened.
You'll have to accept that she views it as a complete gift/business transaction and leave it at that. Bringing it up in any way implies that she "owes" or was somehow "ungrateful," and the relationship will begin to fracture right there.
Now, you clearly feel strongly that you are not being appreciated or acknowledged....you're going to have to figure that out and continue to hang with her.....or, you come clean with your own feelings about the subject with her, and be prepared to walk away from each other.
Good luck.
You basically set your own terms (which equaled zero terms) when you decided to just pay their bill out of nowhere 2 years ago so it's a bit late to expect anything in return now or in the past.
You said you mainly did it for her elderly father but it seems to me that she may not have the same perspective of your 'friendship' that you think you have. Chalk it up as a 'live and learn' moment.
Did you not have $10K because your savings is in 401Ks/IRAs, real estate or equities you don't want to pay capital gains on yet? If not, you need to cut back on strip clubs and restaurants to save for retirement. If you tell her you can't treat her as often, and why, maybe she'll then offer to go dutch. Or not. Maybe she can't afford it, or maybe she's been hanging with you more for the free Quizno's than for your company. We can't read her mind anymore than you can.
The fact that she hasn't shown gratitude for what you did, tells you everything need to know about her. Has she been supportive in non-financial ways? Has she helped you out in other ways (not financially or sexually) like an actual friend?
What's her financial situation? Is she living paycheck to paycheck? Or is she making good money with plenty to spare? You may be viewed as an actual friend, or you may be viewed as a chump who's worth keeping around, or at least tolerated, as long as you're always paying for things.
If you stopped paying for things every time you hang out together, would she ditch you? The fact that she hasn't gotten you anything for Christmas is a big red flag. Sorry to say it, but you may not be viewed as a real friend to her, just a sucker.
Years ago the financial/consumer reporter for a local television (Clark Howard, who is well known in the Southeast) made a statement that I never forgot and had to occasionally apply it . He said "there is nothing wrong with loaning your friends or family money, just don't expect them to pay it back." I think that applies to your situation as well. And I have had to use that logic on occasion to decide about loaning money to friends.
You always have to buy when the two of you get meals? Seems like she is not much of a friend, even leaving the 10 thousand dollar favor out of it.
Yikes
Ship has sailed on that 10k. Bringing it up 2 years later is not going to have a good outcome, whether it was cash or a loan
Sounds like she's been hustling you all these years and still has stripper behavior and not friend behavior. 10k or not, her not paying anything ever is a terribly one sided friendship. But the fact that she was a former stripper tells you all you need to know. She hasn't changed and won't. Continue to support her/them by understanding that you are still a PL and not getting anything in return
Have to agree with the others: If it was a couple weeks or even a couple months, that would've been the time to bring up repayment. A couple years? Yeah -- no.
The issue of Christmas, well, have you two ever exchanged gifts? Even for birthdays? Or even just 'cause you felt like it? She might be an atheist, which could explain the Christmas. Or she might've come from a family that just never got into gift-exchanging, even at birthdays. Not likely, but possible.
What's her employment situation like? Is she unemployed so she can take of her dad, or does she give you the impression that she might be one of those people who's always believed someone should be taking care of her?
I get that you like her father and want to make sure he's taken care of -- many kudos to you for that -- but is there a way that you and he can hang out and just gradually ween yourself off her? It'll get awkward -- there might even be some drama, too -- but she's a grown woman; she needs to learn how to take of herself -- without your help.
I can’t believe you paid a $10,000 bill off for a friend with no expectation for repayment. God bless you for your compassion and generosity. So why are you now feeling resentment over the fact that she doesn’t pick up the tab at McDonald’s or try to pay you back a portion of what you gave her? You said that you’re not expecting to be repaid, and you’re not looking for sexual favors or anything from her. So why does it matter to you if she knows you borrowed the money? Do you just want her to feel more grateful? If so, tell her that you want her to be more grateful for you gesture, or tell her that you’d like for her to pickup the tab at McDonalds (or blow you if that’s really what you want). But remember that she never asked you to borrow the money on her behalf. You took that on by yourself.
The character of a man is determined by what he does when no one is watching; no twhat he does when everyone is watching. Which one are you?
I concur with the statements of the other posters: you did this out of the "goodness of your heart" -- full stop. That is totally admirable AND, when you describe the way that you conducted this transaction, there really CANNOT be any expectation of repayment. However, the seeming lack of appreciation by her obviously bothers you and you need to henceforth conduct yourself according to what you feel is best for you.
You got played
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