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The Mrs. Hornibastards Ratings Review - Part One

reverendhornibastard

Depraved Deacon of Degeneracy

I’ve been married three times (so far).

I’ve always been the weak link in most of my relationships, marital or otherwise.

Here is a brief rundown of the three Mrs. Hornibastards that have shared parts of my life so far.

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Mrs. Hornibastard #1

I first met Julie, the woman who would become Mrs. Hornibastard #1, when we were both 19 years old. We were living together before either of us turned 20 and married not long thereafter.

Julie was generally regarded by our friends a beauty. Although she was certainly not bad looking, I remember her as the least attractive of my three wives.

To give you a sense of what Julie looked like in her prime, the best I can do is to offer a photo of someone you will surely recognize.

https://tuscl.net/photo.php?id=7180

The first time I saw this now well-known actress I was struck by her remarkable resemblance to Julie in her heyday. The principal difference is that Julie’s hair was a much darker shade of brown.

Although Julie had the quirkiest personality of my three spouses, she was the least sexually adventurous of the three. Julie and I never had sex while others were watching. Unlike my two subsequent spouses, Julie was well aware of my philandering. Although she was upset about my infidelities, while she and I were canoodling Julie would often ask me for graphic details of what I had done with the other women. In any other context, thinking about such matters offended and saddened her. But while we were canoodling, hearing about those details always seemed to make her fire burn hotter.

The closest we ever came to third-party involvement in our private moments was when her younger sister, Teresa, came to visit us.

I always had the hots for Teresa. Unfortunately, she was still underaged the first time I met her. But even then, she was already hot and I could see that she had plenty of potential.

When Teresa came to visit us a few years later, she was no longer underaged and her potential was already in full bloom. Teresa resembled Julie in many ways. The principal differences between them was that Teresa had a much lighter hair color than Julie and had a more delicate beauty in her face.

I desperately wanted to pick Teresa’s flowers! But because Teresa was my sister-in-law and, since I had recently been discovered cheating anyway, I decided to try and play nice for a while.

One weekend Julie, Teresa and I went hiking in the Texas hill country outside of Austin. It was a typical, hot and humid summer day in central Texas. We eventually came to a secluded stretch of the Pedernales River where the river formed large pools ideal for swimming among the large, broad boulders. There only two other couples enjoying the clear, rushing water. One couple was old (from our then youthful point of view). They were probably in their mid- to late-40s. The other couple was probably in their mid to late 20s, not much older than we were.

Both couples were butt naked.

Julie, Teresa and I were keen to cool off in the water, but we had not planned on swimming and had brought no swimsuits.

Teresa was the first to suggest that we peel down to our birthday suits and jump in. She didn’t wait for us to agree and quickly stripped down to her earrings. Julie and I didn’t see any reason to argue and followed Teresa’s naked leadership.

That was the first time I had ever seen Teresa naked.

I must say, I was very favorably impressed.

https://tuscl.net/photo.php?id=7195

One afternoon not long afterwards when I returned to our apartment after attending classes at the university, I found Teresa alone in the apartment watching TV. Julie was at work and not expected to return for another 3 or 4 hours. I thought it was odd that Teresa was wearing only a flimsy, nearly transparent tank top that barely came down to her navel and skimpy bikini panties. She was spread out on the beanbag that we had in front of the TV.

I assumed Teresa would get dressed now that I was home.

But she didn’t. As she continued to sprawl on the beanbag watching Gomer Pyle, she struck up a conversation with me. She asked if I’d like to join her on the beanbag and watch TV with her.

Quicker than you can say “Shazam!” I was desperate to Pyle onto and into her.

But I didn’t take the bait. If she had not been Julie’s younger sister I would definitely have pounced.

About a week later, Julie, Teresa and I were blowing some weed one afternoon when Julie (who was taking an art class at the time), suddenly said she wanted to sketch me.

I was not interested in sitting still for anything.

Then Julie added that she wanted to sketch me naked. Exhaling a thundercloud of pungent cannabis smoke, Teresa immediately chimed in, “that sounds like a terrific idea!”

I refused.

Julie and Teresa continued to nag me about it but I steadfastly refused.

Eventually, Julie settled for sketching Teresa. Teresa stripped down to her lip gloss and struck a pose on the beanbag reminiscent of one I had seen before. But this time around the nudity made her pose so much more compelling.

Julie coached Teresa on her pose which grew more scandalously lewd by the minute.

Finally, Julie insisted that I join Teresa on the beanbag “to make for a more interesting sketch.”

Teresa was enthusiastic and chimed in.

I was finishing my joint as I watched Teresa posing gloriously naked on the bean bag. I don’t know if it was the weed or the enticing sight of Teresa’s pink parts, but I finally agreed. I stripped down to my long-haired, glazed, red-eyed self and joined Teresa on the bean bag.

Julie immediately began coaching us on our posing. First, Teresa and I just lay beside each other, but that wasn’t quite what Julie had in mind. Next we lay in nude embrace, but Julie still thought something was missing.

“It would make the pose more realistic if you had a boner,” Julie said. “After all, you’re both naked in each other’s arms.”

https://tuscl.net/photo.php?id=7197

My love muscle was already pretty “fluffy” as a result of being naked and skin-to-skin with Teresa. But to add realism to the pose and, presumably for the sake of Julie’s art, Teresa took my cock into her hand and stroked it to full erection. This met with Julie’s approval. But within a few more minutes, she decided a more dynamic pose was required.

https://tuscl.net/photo.php?id=7198

Her next request was that we pose as if I were about to eat Teresa’s pussy.

I remember giving Teresa a look as if to ask, “Are you OK with this?” Grinning at me, Teresa pushed me onto my back and took a seat astride my face.

Stoned, pussy-eating hound that I was, I immediately forgot the part of the instruction that I was supposed to “pretend” I was eating her pussy and quickly got in a few “nice to meet you” introductory licks. Neither Teresa nor Julie objected.

https://tuscl.net/photo.php?id=7199

After a few more licks, Teresa soon decided that we should take up a 69 position. I’d like to tell you that Teresa and I ended up eating each other and then having wild sex. Unfortunately, not all of my stories have fabulously happy endings.

Teresa and I were just getting into position when the doorbell rang. Some of our friends had shown up unexpectedly. Julie hurriedly put her unfinished drawing away and went to the front door. Teresa and I grabbed our clothes off the floor and ran into another room to get dressed.

Our friends joined us for another round of joints before we all went out for some Conan’s Pizza.

That was the closest Teresa and I ever got to sexual intimacies. But the memory of that afternoon and of what might have been provided the inspiration for countless masturbations in Teresa’s honor for years to come.

Julie and I remained together for another 14 or 15 years after that.

The wildest Julie ever got sexually was around the time she decided to enroll in law school. For a brief period, she decided it would be a terrific turn-on to strut her good looks practically nude on a strip club stage and have every man in the place desperate to fuck her. It took her a while to get the nerve to do this, but she did finally appear onstage wearing only a very skimpy G-string, stilettos and enough mascara for four women.

I have no doubt that she gave every man in the club a boner.

https://tuscl.net/discussion.php?id=6730…

She certainly gave me one.


Next up: Mrs. Hornibastard #2