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Dealing With a Mouthful of Splooge

reverendhornibastard

Depraved Deacon of Degeneracy

Only naïve or hopelessly inexperienced men believe that dealing with a mouthful of splooge is strictly woman‘s and a gay man’s dilemma.

It just ain’t so.

I consider myself a hard-core heterosexual male. I’ve never had or wanted any gay experiences. I don’t remember even having any gay nightmares.

But, despite my life-long devotion to heterosexuality, I can’t deny that I’ve had to deal with a mouthful of splooge on more a few occasions. I don’t honestly recall how many. It’s certainly not something that happens to me on a daily basis, but it’s happened often enough that I’ve learned what to watch out for and how to handle the situation gracefully.

The most common way of finding yourself with a mouthful of splooge is by carelessly allowing a woman who just took your load into her mouth give you a big, sloppy kiss. Some women will do this purely out of passion. Some foolish, misguided women may actually think you will enjoy the experience. Some will transfer a mouthful of splooge to you just “to teach you a lesson” about failing to warn them you were about to spew. Occasionally, it’s just a bitch’s sneaky way of transferring a load of splooge from her mouth to yours in order to avoid being labeled “a spitter.”

The first Mrs. Hornibastard was the first to give me a mouthful of splooge. Although I was repulsed, I tried to conceal my disgust. She did this to me several times. She seems to have done this out of passion. Maybe she meant it as a compliment. In any case, I really didn’t appreciate it.

Although she wasn’t perfect, Mrs. Hornibastard II was a big improvement over her predecessor. Among her many qualities, Mrs. Hornibastard II was a much more refined, intelligent and sophisticated woman. More importantly, she also had far more impressive jugs and she was a reliable swallower. Although I eventually divorced her, to this day I still sincerely appreciate that she never once gave me a mouthful of splooge. (A tiny bit of splooge residue or a vague splooge after-taste in her kisses doesn’t really count.)

Like her immediate predecessor, Mrs. Hornibastard III has never once given me a mouthful of splooge. She knows how to give exquisite blow jobs but she maintains (and I sincerely agree with her) that the best place for splooge is deep inside a koochy.

But there are other ways of getting splooge in your mouth apart from a sloppy kiss from a woman who just caught a mouthful. Much like in warfare, love-making can often become frenzied and wildly chaotic. That’s why it’s so much fun! There are so many positions, holes and techniques to be tried and relished. Breathlessly switching between them is part of the allure of exuberant sex. But this is precisely how you can sometimes unwittingly find yourself with unwanted splooge in your pie hole.

I can’t count the number of instances when, in the heat of passion, I was invited to drag my tongue over my woman’s pink, protected wetlands and, having forgotten that I had recently dumped a load in her koochy, found myself lapping up my own splooge.

But it really isn’t as disgusting as it sounds. Splooge has a way of quickly liquefying when its left inside a warm koochy. Consequently, it’s not as thick and sticky as it was when you first spewed it. Most people regard the sticky, gooey nature of fresh splooge as far more offensive than the actual flavor.

While I have been fortunate to avoid this gruesome scenario, some of my pals have not. The worst that can happen while eating pussy with a strong splooge after taste is realizing that you don’t have any idea how the baby batter got there but you’re damn sure it isn’t yours!

Regardless of how the splooge or its after taste got into your mouth, you still have to deal with it in a manly and socially graceful way. This is where your formal training will fail you miserably.

There are some things they just don’t teach you in school. Dealing with a mouthful of splooge is one of them.

Keeping a spittoon by the side of the bed, couch or coffee table is one way, but it’s gross and may encourage your sex goddess to use it as well. Keeping a bottle of industrial strength mouth wash close by is also an option but it seems a bit unmanly.

My preference is to keep a bottle of a high quality, single malt scotch whiskey nearby. I prefer The Macallan 25 but Laphroaig 25 will also do very nicely. Instead of retching and spitting or running to the bathroom to gargle with Listerine, taking a big, hearty swig of a fine scotch whiskey directly out of the bottle demonstrates not only your manliness, but also your prescience and your ability to appreciate the finer things in life.