Reverend Hornibastard’s Vacation Climax
reverendhornibastard
Depraved Deacon of Degeneracy
I just completed another vacation with Mrs. Hornibastard #3 and our two low center of gravity mooches with deplorable personal hygiene habits. This time we stayed in the USA so there was precious little dysentery and no nude frolics in mountainside hot springs with the magically luscious Miss Yuni Bare.
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If you missed the weird and wonderful Yuni Bare saga, you can find it here:
https://www.tuscl.net/discussion.php?id=…
https://www.tuscl.net/discussion.php?id=…
https://www.tuscl.net/discussion.php?id=…
https://www.tuscl.net/discussion.php?id=…
https://www.tuscl.net/discussion.php?id=…
https://www.tuscl.net/discussion.php?id=…
https://www.tuscl.net/discussion.php?id=…
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Despite the lack of gratuitous nudity and sexual intrigue, we still managed to have a good time. Snorkeling in the high desert of West Texas was definitely the high point of our vacation for my youthful mutant miscreants.
https://www.tuscl.net/photo.php?id=2087
I also enjoyed the desert snorkeling but the climax of my vacation was when I decided to pinch a loaf in a remote, one horse town in northeastern New Mexico.
They don’t include these precious moments in travel brochures. Don’t ask me why.
This wasn’t something I had planned. It’s just that I was just suddenly seized with the urge to leave a monumental tribute to our beloved president, the courageous Cadet Bone Spurs.
Luckily for everyone in the sleek, turbocharged Hornibastardmobile, it turned out there was a roadside diner only 18 miles ahead when inspiration struck.
Everyone else elected to wait in the car while Daddy Hornibastard expressed his sincerest appreciation for the ineffable orange tub of guts in the Offal Office.
I sauntered into the diner as nonchalantly as possible for a man whose anal pore had never puckered so desperately in his life and asked, “Pardon me, mam, where are your restrooms?”
Striking a tone as haughty as can be mustered by a 300 pound chunk of freckled trailer trash who works in a diner where the flies outnumber the customers 3 to 1, All Beef Pattie graciously replied, “I’m sorry sir, but our restrooms are reserved for the exclusive use of our customers.”
I deeply suspected that the real problem was All Beef Pattie was offended because I have a much better tan than she does, I hadn’t shaved in five days and I was wearing my professionally designed, bespoke muscle T-shirt in blazoned with the words “A Little Coitus Never Hoitus!”
Maintaining a civil tone (so as to not upset the flies), I asked if they served pie and coffee. All Beef Pattie cautiously admitted that they did and rattled off three different types of pie they had on hand that day: apple, peach and pecan.
I asked how much it would be for a slice of pecan pie and a cup of coffee.
Looking increasingly nervous and breaking into a sweat (chubby girls tend to sweat a lot), All Beef Pattie said a slice of pecan pie and a cup of coffee would set me back $7 plus tax.
Reaching into my wallet, I pulled out a $10 bill, handed it to the gargantuan waitress and pleasantly asked her to “... give my slice of pecan pie and my cup of coffee to the next customer who orders pie and coffee. Keep the change. Now where are those restrooms, Cupcake?”
My tribute to President Turdbucket was awesome! Truly incredible!
It’s just a fucking shame I don’t have an Instagram account.
======================
If you missed the weird and wonderful Yuni Bare saga, you can find it here:
https://www.tuscl.net/discussion.php?id=…
https://www.tuscl.net/discussion.php?id=…
https://www.tuscl.net/discussion.php?id=…
https://www.tuscl.net/discussion.php?id=…
https://www.tuscl.net/discussion.php?id=…
https://www.tuscl.net/discussion.php?id=…
https://www.tuscl.net/discussion.php?id=…
======================
Despite the lack of gratuitous nudity and sexual intrigue, we still managed to have a good time. Snorkeling in the high desert of West Texas was definitely the high point of our vacation for my youthful mutant miscreants.
https://www.tuscl.net/photo.php?id=2087
I also enjoyed the desert snorkeling but the climax of my vacation was when I decided to pinch a loaf in a remote, one horse town in northeastern New Mexico.
They don’t include these precious moments in travel brochures. Don’t ask me why.
This wasn’t something I had planned. It’s just that I was just suddenly seized with the urge to leave a monumental tribute to our beloved president, the courageous Cadet Bone Spurs.
Luckily for everyone in the sleek, turbocharged Hornibastardmobile, it turned out there was a roadside diner only 18 miles ahead when inspiration struck.
Everyone else elected to wait in the car while Daddy Hornibastard expressed his sincerest appreciation for the ineffable orange tub of guts in the Offal Office.
I sauntered into the diner as nonchalantly as possible for a man whose anal pore had never puckered so desperately in his life and asked, “Pardon me, mam, where are your restrooms?”
Striking a tone as haughty as can be mustered by a 300 pound chunk of freckled trailer trash who works in a diner where the flies outnumber the customers 3 to 1, All Beef Pattie graciously replied, “I’m sorry sir, but our restrooms are reserved for the exclusive use of our customers.”
I deeply suspected that the real problem was All Beef Pattie was offended because I have a much better tan than she does, I hadn’t shaved in five days and I was wearing my professionally designed, bespoke muscle T-shirt in blazoned with the words “A Little Coitus Never Hoitus!”
Maintaining a civil tone (so as to not upset the flies), I asked if they served pie and coffee. All Beef Pattie cautiously admitted that they did and rattled off three different types of pie they had on hand that day: apple, peach and pecan.
I asked how much it would be for a slice of pecan pie and a cup of coffee.
Looking increasingly nervous and breaking into a sweat (chubby girls tend to sweat a lot), All Beef Pattie said a slice of pecan pie and a cup of coffee would set me back $7 plus tax.
Reaching into my wallet, I pulled out a $10 bill, handed it to the gargantuan waitress and pleasantly asked her to “... give my slice of pecan pie and my cup of coffee to the next customer who orders pie and coffee. Keep the change. Now where are those restrooms, Cupcake?”
My tribute to President Turdbucket was awesome! Truly incredible!
It’s just a fucking shame I don’t have an Instagram account.
12 comments
It was either that or drop my load of feces all over the diner’s tacky linoleum floor.
All Beef Pattie would have been upset because she would have to mop it up but the flies would have loved it!
I get mine at Custom Ink.
https://www.customink.com/
They’re not cheap but they are unique.
(You design them yourself on line.)
You should have just let loose and given them a mighty Crappuccino all over their Starbuck’s floor.
Before, I liked taking long (3 hour or more) drives and in California there are so many places which have the restroom for customers only policy, so every stop I would order something small and inexpensive to use the restroom.
Out of han it, even places that did not have the policy, I order something small before I use their restroom.