Reverend Hornibastard’s Vacation Climax

7/30/2019 2:46:25 AM

I just completed another vacation with Mrs. Hornibastard #3 and our two low center of gravity mooches with deplorable personal hygiene habits. This time we stayed in the USA so there was precious little dysentery and no nude frolics in mountainside hot springs with the magically luscious Miss Yuni Bare.

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If you missed the weird and wonderful Yuni Bare saga, you can find it here:
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Despite the lack of gratuitous nudity and sexual intrigue, we still managed to have a good time. Snorkeling in the high desert of West Texas was definitely the high point of our vacation for my youthful mutant miscreants.

https://www.tuscl.net/photo.php?id=2087

I also enjoyed the desert snorkeling but the climax of my vacation was when I decided to pinch a loaf in a remote, one horse town in northeastern New Mexico.

They don’t include these precious moments in travel brochures. Don’t ask me why.

This wasn’t something I had planned. It’s just that I was just suddenly seized with the urge to leave a monumental tribute to our beloved president, the courageous Cadet Bone Spurs.

Luckily for everyone in the sleek, turbocharged Hornibastardmobile, it turned out there was a roadside diner only 18 miles ahead when inspiration struck.

Everyone else elected to wait in the car while Daddy Hornibastard expressed his sincerest appreciation for the ineffable orange tub of guts in the Offal Office.

I sauntered into the diner as nonchalantly as possible for a man whose anal pore had never puckered so desperately in his life and asked, “Pardon me, mam, where are your restrooms?”

Striking a tone as haughty as can be mustered by a 300 pound chunk of freckled trailer trash who works in a diner where the flies outnumber the customers 3 to 1, All Beef Pattie graciously replied, “I’m sorry sir, but our restrooms are reserved for the exclusive use of our customers.”

I deeply suspected that the real problem was All Beef Pattie was offended because I have a much better tan than she does, I hadn’t shaved in five days and I was wearing my professionally designed, bespoke muscle T-shirt in blazoned with the words “A Little Coitus Never Hoitus!”

Maintaining a civil tone (so as to not upset the flies), I asked if they served pie and coffee. All Beef Pattie cautiously admitted that they did and rattled off three different types of pie they had on hand that day: apple, peach and pecan.

I asked how much it would be for a slice of pecan pie and a cup of coffee.

Looking increasingly nervous and breaking into a sweat (chubby girls tend to sweat a lot), All Beef Pattie said a slice of pecan pie and a cup of coffee would set me back $7 plus tax.

Reaching into my wallet, I pulled out a $10 bill, handed it to the gargantuan waitress and pleasantly asked her to “... give my slice of pecan pie and my cup of coffee to the next customer who orders pie and coffee. Keep the change. Now where are those restrooms, Cupcake?”

My tribute to President Turdbucket was awesome! Truly incredible!

It’s just a fucking shame I don’t have an Instagram account.

12 comments

Latest

Papi_Chulo

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5 years ago

Good thinking on your feet - I would have been so pissed I could not have forced myself to buy something to be able to use the restroom.

Warrior15

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5 years ago

Where can I get one of those T-shirts ?

reverendhornibastard

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5 years ago

“Good thinking on your feet ... buy something to be able to use the restroom.”

It was either that or drop my load of feces all over the diner’s tacky linoleum floor.

All Beef Pattie would have been upset because she would have to mop it up but the flies would have loved it!

reverendhornibastard

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5 years ago

Warrior,

I get mine at Custom Ink.

https://www.customink.com/

They’re not cheap but they are unique.

(You design them yourself on line.)

Papi_Chulo

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5 years ago

About 2 years ago I was at a small local Starbucks and the bathroom-door needed a code (I find that annoying AF) - I ask for the code to the bathroom and was told I needed to make a purchase first - I said I was gonna make a purchase but needed to use the restroom first since I was alone and didn't want to have to carry the drink into the bathroom nor leave outside unattended - anyway was not allowed to use the restroom w/o a purchase so I just left and went to another Starbucks 10-minutes away - this Starbucks is not far from my house and none of the other several Starbucks in the vicinity have that key-code crap and it's not as if this particular one was in any worse area - as fate would have it that particular location closed about 18-months later.

reverendhornibastard

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5 years ago

Papi,

You should have just let loose and given them a mighty Crappuccino all over their Starbuck’s floor.

Papi_Chulo

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5 years ago

I can understand they may wanna restrict access so maybe homeless people don't use the bathroom but I still find it annoying and I know that area well and don't recall ever seeing a homeless person - IME Starbucks are not in crappy parts of town

gammanu95

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5 years ago

I agree with the "bathrooms for paying customers only" policy. You are using water when you flush and wash, electricity when you turn on the fan and light, paper towels, plus wear,tear, and cleaning labor afterwards. Keeping out the riff-raff is just an ancillary bonus.

Cristobal

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5 years ago

Good job reverendhornibastard to beat the system.

Before, I liked taking long (3 hour or more) drives and in California there are so many places which have the restroom for customers only policy, so every stop I would order something small and inexpensive to use the restroom.

Out of han it, even places that did not have the policy, I order something small before I use their restroom.

gawker

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5 years ago

I recently read of a law (federal? state? municipal?) which specified that if a person had a disability related to their alimentary canal, an establishment could not pull the old “employee only trick. It was written by someone with Crohn’s Disease and had been denied access at a Starbucks. The author said that he had shown the manager his disability card and still been denied. He was an attorney on the way to a deposition, stepped out of Starbucks and shit himself. He sued.

Corvus

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5 years ago

I have rarely encountered the "restrooms are only for customers" diatribe but when I do I simply tell them I would prefer to wash my hands before ordering my food/drink. It usually works. Of course, I spend most of my time in between urban areas and take full advantage of exposing myself to nature in all my glory.

reverendhornibastard

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5 years ago

I spend most of my time in big city environments. Fast food outlets are everywhere and they’re too busy to keep track of every patron who wants to use the restroom. Since, even at my scruffiest, I don’t look like a homeless person I have only run into this issue when I’m out in the boondocks where I sometimes stand out like a sore thumb.

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