Vignettes: When Civvies Behave Like Strippers

For most of us the appeal of strip clubs is that they play to our fantasy of having a beautiful, sexy woman who we don’t even know behave like she is desperate to get us undressed and to lovingly drain all the splooge out of us. We pay dearly for reliving this fantasy despite knowing that it’s all just bull shit.

But every now and then lightning strikes and a stranger (or at least a woman you barely know) will come out of nowhere and act like it will really make her day if you crawl into bed with her and let her molest you to her heart’s content.

The drawbacks are twofold: (1) It almost never happens and (2) when it does happen, sometimes you are so startled by such forward behavior that you become suspicious and the opportunity is soon lost.

Here are a few such episodes from my past.

I really wish there were a lot more.




Name: Debbie
Attractiveness Rating: 7
Relationship: a co-worker I barely knew
Location: Austin

As I rode up on an elevator carrying a big box of office supplies a woman who I recognized as one of the secretaries but whose name I didn't know got on the elevator with me.

"That's some package you've got there!" she said. "Is it for me?"

"No, it's some things I need in my office," I replied, completely oblivious of what was about to happen.

She sidled up close beside me and started stroking my penis through my pants while making the most suggestive eye contact a woman had ever made with me at that point in my life.

Burdened with a large, heavy package I was in no position to defend my honor (even if I had been so inclined).

"Seems like a really nice package," she said. "Are you sure I can't play with it?"

Before I could respond, the elevator stopped and another woman began to enter the elevator. My slutty seductress stopped stroking my kielbasa.

Before stepping inside the elevator the other woman asked, "Going up?"

My new best friend dryly replied, "Oh yes! We're definitely going up!"

The second woman got off after a couple of floors leaving me alone with this delightfully brazen secretary who resumed massaging my love muscle to full attention until I reached my floor.

I later found out what her name was, found her in her office and said she was welcome to play with my package again whenever the mood struck her.

She invited me to her place that evening and I gave her the FedSex treatment because it was very evident she really needed to get it overnight.

It was a very brief affair. Turns out she was a real bitch.


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Name: Lila
Attractiveness Rating: 5
Relationship: co-worker I barely knew
Location: Jakarta

I never knew in what department Lila worked. But she worked in a very large office in a very big company. We had never been introduced and had never really had any conversations when she started coming up to me and saying she was so horny and was having dirty dreams about me all the time. She asked (in so many words) if I would please take her to a hotel and fuck her.

Frankly, I was not very attracted to her. Beyond that, she seemed a bit crazy to me and I was reluctant to become intimately involved with a co-worker who seemed to have such a lose grip on reality.

So I said, "No thank you."

I had to say it many, many times over the ensuring months because she was just nuts. I would like to say she was nuts about me but I believe she was just nuts ... period.

I never touched her.

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Name: Graciela
Attractiveness Rating: 8
Relationship: a secretary in an office I occasionally visited
Location: Buenos Aires

I didn't know Graciela. I had not met her. I had probably seen her in the office where I worked whenever I was in Buenos Aires but she wasn't on my radar screen.

One day as I sat working in my borrowed office, I noticed a crumpled piece of paper on the floor. Next time I got up I picked it up and threw it in the trash.

A bit later it occurred to me that I should at least look at it. What if it was something important that had been crumpled by accident?

I retrieve the crumpled paper from the trash and read it. It said:

"Meet you are your hotel tonight at 7:30.”

It was signed "Graciela."

I had no idea who Graciela was. I wandered the corridor looking for an office or a cubicle with a nameplate that said "Graciela." I finally found a secretary's cubicle with the name "Graciela" on the nameplate but, of course, she wasn't in the cubicle at the time. So I still had no idea whether my secret admirer was a beauty or a beast.

I went back to my office and resumed working.

A few minutes later a stunning strawberry-blonde appeared in my doorway and asked, "Is 7:30 tonight OK?"

I swallowed hard and asked, "Can you be there by 6:30?"

Graciela smiled and said, "OK. I will be at your hotel at 6:30."

After that, I saw Graciela every time I visited Buenos Aires. She was married.


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Name: Marcella
Attractiveness Rating: 8
Relationship: Co-worker
Location: Houston

I had known Marcella for a couple of years. She was bright and ambitious. She was also dating a good friend of mine.

One night when I was working very late in my office, Marcella suddenly walked in. I was surprised to see her in the office at such a late hour.

She entered my office and shut the door. Then she took a seat in a padded chair opposite my desk. At first I thought we were just going to have a friendly chat. But soon she began getting more and more "comfortable" feet up on the chair, her skirt riding up almost to her hips as she made small talk.

When she started unbuttoning her blouse my suspicions were confirmed. But I was enjoying the show so I said nothing. Then she undid her bra and her lovely muchachas spilled out for my viewing pleasure.

She made it clear that she wanted to do it right then and there on my desk.

Trying to maintain my professionalism, I said, "This is not the time or the place for that sort of thing."

To which Marcella replied, "Fine. Let's go to my place.''

We were co-workers with great fringe benefits for a couple of years until I moved away.


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Name: Linda
Attractiveness Rating: 7
Relationship: a close friend of my ex-wife
Location: London

One morning my (now ex) wife asked me to walk with her to Linda's house so she could return a pie plate. Since it was a nice day in England (the winds were less than gale force and the rain was just a light drizzle) I agreed.

When we got to Linda's home it seemed she was not there. We were about to return to our house when Linda came jogging around the corner. She stopped and had a brief chat with my wife before proceeding to her front door. I was still standing on her porch with the pie plate.

Linda took the pie plate from me, smiled and leaned forward.

I thought we were going to do that pretentious European kiss on each cheek thing so I leaned forward politely too.

With her free hand, Linda grabbed the back of my head, pulled me in close and gave me a 5-second open-mouthed Frencher in full view of my wife.

I wish I had a video of my reaction. I'm sure it would be hilarious.

I had nothing to say. I was completely bumfuzzled. There was nothing in our history to suggest that anything like this was coming.

I turned and headed down the sidewalk to join my wife for the walk back to our home. I had no idea how I would respond to the inevitable interrogation from my wife. I could almost hear it already! “Why did Linda kiss you like that? What the hell going on between you two?”

Strangely, my wife acted like it never happened. She never said a word.

It's hard for me to believe she didn't see it. She couldn't have been more than 15 feet away when it happened. But I was certainly not going to bring it up.

I never saw Linda again.


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Name: Unknown
Attractiveness Rating: 4
Relationship: Total stranger
Location: Beijing

As I left the office one night, I found myself alone on the elevator with a small, mousy-looking Chinese woman. She was thin. She was having a very bad hair day. She was in desperate need of an orthodontist. There was absolutely nothing about the way she looked that made me think she would have the confidence to be sexually forward.

We had not spoken. I don't think our eyes had even met when she said, "Do you like Asian women?"

I didn't understand why she was asking me this and, consequently, I was unsure how to respond. Was she about to offer herself to me? Was she asking on behalf of another woman? Was she just a weirdo asking a personal question to a total stranger out of idle curiosity?

Then I said, "I am crazy about Asian women! I'm married to one!" At that point I whipped out my cell phone and showed her the photo of my wife that was the wallpaper on my cell phone.

She didn't ask me any more questions.

I never saw her again.


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Name: Unknown
Attractiveness Rating: 9
Relationship: Total stranger
Location: Sydney

I was all hot and sweaty returning from the hotel gym to my room at the Park Hyatt in Sydney when I passed a lady who appeared to be a woman on business trip. She was in the process of unlocking her hotel room. She saw me coming up the hallway and said something like, "Wow! Your workouts are really paying off! You look great!"

I was surprised and slightly embarrassed at such an overt compliment from such an attractive woman. She was really hot looking.

I tried to be gallant and said "Thank you very much! Very nice of you to say so!"

I really didn’t think she meant anything by her comment other than to pay me a compliment.

By then she had the door to her hotel room open and said, "I'd be delighted to give you a bath!"

She smiled at me and held the door open as if she expected me to enter her room.

My wife was waiting for me in my room. We were going to to out to dinner after I had showered and changed into some fresh street clothes.

This woman was gorgeous but struck me as a trouble-maker I should avoid.

My mind raced. What can I say to her?

"Thanks, but I'm gay," I finally blurted.

"Pity!" she said as she entered her room and closed the door.