Crazy Family Holiday Stories

Do any of you have crazy relatives that do funny shit during the holidays?

I am a little crazy but I did come from a long line of crazy. I am cleaning this story up to some degree...hahaha

I got a Happy New Years call this morning from a crazy ass relative that loves to drink and smoke weed. He is crazy as hell and in a wheel chair. I answered the phone saying Happy New Years. He starts yelling at me because he was calling me and he was supposed to say that first. Oh well. He tells me he is drunk off of vodka and lime juice and smoking weed.

He tells me he is going to start a whore house in his home but he has one problem. His son is a cop in the town he lives in and he would not approve so he needs to figure out a way to keep him away so he does not find out. I asked him if he has girls that are willing ad he said he is working on it.

He starts talking about his ex wife. He told me he was about to take a muscle relaxer that usually makes him call his ex wife and tell her to let her now husband out of his cage so he can hump her so they could make another retarded baby. Or he would come over there and slap her in the face with his limp dick...

He asks how my family is going and tells me to say hi to my mom, but if I see my dad to kick him in the balls for him. I can't say he does not deserve it though.

The crazy part is, he was not joking